552

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Smiles are Contagious

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Phun Phacts

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James Gandolfini Tribute Video

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Topical

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer,

 a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:You're on duty by yourself 

(don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) 

walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner,

 locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,

 raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock

 and you are an expert shot,

 however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, 

and what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on,

 would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, 

do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head

and kills himself? .

14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case,

 does he have the opportunity to

sue me, cost me my job,

 my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!

American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'click'...Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

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Those Funny Animals

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More Animal cuteness

thanks Kitty L

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Aerial view of some World Landmarks

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Remember to breathe

Travel Alberta

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As close as many of us will ever get

Time lapse Mount Everest

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BOTTOMS UP!

The patient was face down on the bed while four doctors

 with a combined total of 81 years medical experience, 

examined his upraised buttocks. 

In spite of all their training, the best they could come up with were comments like 

"I've never seen anything like it, ” and ”Beat's me,"

 and "It must make life very uncomfortable for you, Mr. Higgenbottom."

Higgenbottom managed a muffled hiss into a big, fluffy pillow. 

Four other equally fluffy pillows were responsible 

for his buttocks jutting heavenward at such an embarrassing angle. 

Out of the corner of one eye, Higgenbottom glimpsed a flash of latex.

One of the doctors had hauled on a rubber glove and unceremoniously grabbed a handful of Higgenbottom's swollen behind. This produced a muffled howl from the pillow.

''What do you make of it, Bumstead?" asked Dr. Cheeks, who had an irritating habit of addressing his colleagues by only their last names.

Dr. Bumstead, the oldest of the four,

 looked thoughtful as he took a closer look at the tiny scratch

 which had apparently been responsible for Higgenbottom's bottom

 now being roughly twice its normal siz

 and more closely resembling an overripe purple pumpkin. 

''That must be the mother of all rear end infections. 

Yes, sir, it's hard to believe such a little scratch could have caused this.'' 

He poked at the cut with the tip of a pen.

Higgenbottom shifted uncomfortably,

 not at all pleased with his new status as medical marvel.

''Have all the tests been run?'' Bumstead asked.

''Yes, and they didn't turn up anything unusual.''

''Nothing in the bloodstream?''

"Just blood."

''Most unusual. ”

''What, that there is blood in his bloodstream?"

Bumstead ignored the remark.

 It was the kind of thing you'd expect from the cheeky Cheeks.

 “I guess it's back to the medical books for this one. 

We're going to have to call in a specialist 

or Higgenbottom might never sit again.''

They all nodded in agreement.

"It's hard to treat something unless you know what you're up against," 

Burnstead continued.

 "This is obviously more than an ordinary infection.

 It looks like a severe case of arse nick poisoning to me." 

(Terry Morrison)

The cowboys gathered in their bunk¬house after a hard day on the range. 

One of them popped open a cold beer

and sat on the edge of his bunk.

 "Where's Tex?" he asked.

"Oh, he's out looking over his new car," another responded.

 "It's that new foreign car he just bought.

 He just can't get enough of it. 

Spend hours just looking and touching it."

The cowboy standing in the corner said:

 "Ole Tex is a smart aleck. 

As soon as he gets back here hell start bragging about that car."

The one with the beer then said: "Not Tex.

 He's just a good old boy arid that's all hell ever be

 When he comes in, all he's going to do is say hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," 

said another cowboy who was standing in the darkness of the far corner.

 "He may be a good old boy but he's also a smart old boy.

 He'll figure out some way to brag about his car even when he's just saying hello."

Just then the bunkhouse door swung open 

and Tex sauntered in.

 He looked at all the others who seemed startled at his arrival and shouted:

 "Audi, partners!"

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--

Chicken or the Egg is an offbeat romantic comedy

 about a pig who has an EGGdiction to eating eggs.

But when he falls in love with the hottest chicken in town,

 he must choose what comes first... the Chicken or the Egg.

stolen from

Daily Snacks - Humourous Joys, Jolly and Jokes

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Frozen  the new Disney Movie

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POSTERS

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The Stick  [1964]

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THE CHURCH AND THE MODERN WORLD

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their Tablet, PC, iPad,

 smart phone,and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.

 And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands. 

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook,

 and chat with God."

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings,

 please have your credit and debit cards ready.

 You can log on to the church wi-fi

 using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

The ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines

 among the worshipers:

• "Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers
•  are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
• Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
• Those who prefer telephone banking,
•  take out your cellphones to transfer 
• your contributions to the church account."

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified 

as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs 

and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...

• This week's ministry cell meetings will be held
•  on the various Facebook group pages
•  where the usual group chatting takes place.
•  Please log in and don't miss out.
• Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype
•  at 1900hrs GMT. 
• Please don't miss out.
• You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend
•  for counseling and prayers.
• God bless you and have nice day.

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--

Some different Wedding pictures

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                                                          Don't touch my VW  

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Men and Women

There was a group of women at a seminar

 on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 

“When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:

 “I love you, sweetheart.”
Then the women were told to exchange phones 

and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:

1.    Who is this?

2.  Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3.  I love you too.

4.  What now?  Did you crash the car again?

5.  I don’t understand what you mean?

6.  What did you do now?

7.  ?!!???

8.  Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9.  Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??

And Kids

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Today's Music trip down Memory Lane

Lucille Starr

"The French Song"

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Another Punny Story 

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. 

You'd never know if you weren't told. It’s a perfect fit. 

Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone, 

one guy did find out and he decided to have a little practical joke.

 So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons

 and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber,

 whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape. 

Well, of course, the Devil was most displeased by this

 and he rounds up his demons and demands 

to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them.

 Naturally, none of them owns up, 

which makes him even madder: 

So he calls a general meeting of everyone the under-world:

 everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern 

and it's absolutely packed

 (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit 

or bottomless fissure in the floor).

 As Satan steps up to speak, 

everyone sees that he's got no hair,

 and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

 The devil bel-lows at them to be quiet,

 and a deadly hush falls.

“Whoever stole it,” he shouts,

 “had better return it immediately!

” And here he paused for effect, 

”Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!

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The "Mona Lisa" around the world

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Miscellaneous

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Jump Fails

its easy to hurt idiots

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Not too sure if this blokes an idiot

or just got nerves of steel  ??

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This weeks signs

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Wildflowers

lyrics

The hills were alive with wildflowers

And I was as wild, even wilder than they

For at least I could run, they just died in the sun

And I refused to just wither in place

Just a wild mountain rose, needing freedom to grow

So I ran fearing not where I'd go

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

And the flowers I knew in the fields where I grew

Were content to be lost in the crowd

They were common and close, I had no room for growth

I wanted so much to branch out

I uprooted myself from home ground and left

Took my dreams and I took to the road

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

I grew up fast and wild and I never felt right

In a garden so different from me

I just never belonged, I just longed to be gone

So the garden, one day, set me free

Hitched a ride with the wind and since he was my friend

I just let him decide where we'd go

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive

Wildflowers don't care where they grow

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.