463

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thanks Gordon H

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There was this man in a mental hospital.

 All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day

So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,

so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

 He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said,

"I don't hear anything."

 The mental patient said,

"Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

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The joys of FaceBook

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Texas Gun Update

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Private part died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

 Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and some- times a little crazy, she replied,

 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.

 Please accept my condolences.'

The following day,

Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy,

 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

--------------------------

Some more Black and White pictures from yesteryear

How many do you recognise??

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A business man got on an elevator in a building.

 When he entered the elevator,

there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,

 “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,

 “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said,

 “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering,

 “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly,

so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly

 “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,

 “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

 “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered,

“Sorry, Honey, It’s Tuesday.”

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Worlds Best

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Those Funny Animals

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Cute pictures

thanks Joice S

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This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.

It's pretty cool. It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.

It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.

Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.

http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan

thanks Kitty L

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----

Perth's Got Talent

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As a highly skilled computer technician,

 Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between

 the microchips in the various computers in a local network.

His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes.

The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled

 that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues.

Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions.

He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own.

Upon his return,

Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success.

"That's easy," replied Joe.

"Lose slips, sync chips!"

When good old Chief Shortcake died,

 the whole tribe mourned and the cries of his faithful squaw

 were heard for miles around.

Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced,

 "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."

"Not on your life," announced his widow,

 "Squaw bury Shortcake!"

-- Stan Kegel

---------------------------------

Golf

 thanks Toni S

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---

WalMart Song



thanks Geoff C

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This week saw the running of Australia's most famous horse racethe

Melbourne Cup

Stewards Joke

An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer

and an inflatable owner, for the first time.

Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and two horse go past him.

After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse,

 then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner.

He was called in front of the Stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.

The Stewards said to him,

 'not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down,

 you have let yourself down.'

-------------------

Sure-Bet

A horse walked into a TAB[betting shop] and up to the betting window and plopped his money down.

"I want to bet fifty dollars on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse.

"I don't believe it!" said the astonished TAB Agent.

"You don't believe what?", said the horse,

 "That I can talk?"

"No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race.

----------------

Melbourne Cup Joke

Riding the favourite in the Melbourne Cup,

 the jockey is well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead,

only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers

 and a dozen mince pies as the round the final bend.

With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,

 on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeds in only coming second.

He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously ‘hampered?

------------------------------

Looks like fun

thanks Liz Z

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Attractive secretary

Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates"

 to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen

 all evening and at the end of the date,

gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".

"Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets

, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

   
 

-----------------------------

 

 

 

Magic Bike



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Burying mother-in-law

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.

 His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law."

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!"

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Tablecloth trick



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.