131

34 hits in 34 seconds


stolen fromShelleys Snippets






Burma [Myanmar]

My four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, and then asked..

.'What did you call it?''

It's a frickin' elephant, Grandpa!

It says so on the picture!'and so it does...

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

So much said about phonetics.
Thanks Shelley Shelleys Snippets

Smile Kid!!!

Now, what seems to be the problem

Tell , Uncle Teddy all about it

An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer,

moved to a new town andjoined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play,

but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because

they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him

and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes,

because I have been playing quite well.

The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well.

Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive,

but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green

and rolled into the hole!

Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.

He said, "Nice shot,

but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian,

"I do. Please give me a hand."

stolen fromBig Shot Bob in Texas



Oh ! for some ice

Oh! for some ice

The future is man made

We are all born free and equal...Youth for Human rights

I love kids , how can anyone possibly harm them

Today's Cartoons [Misc]

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery.

She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day

and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.

Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast

(which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice).

She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.
And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun.

She ate the eggs and the toast,

but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out,

then poured the apple juice into it.

When the nurse returned later that morning,

he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast,

but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said,

pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

"In that case, we’d better run it through again..."
Stolen from
Miss Cellania

A farmer purchases an old, run-down,

abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

The fields are grown over with weeds,

the farmhouse is falling apart,

and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work,

the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying,

"May you and The Lord work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -

the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition,

there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens,

and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher says.

"Look what The Lord and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer,

"but remember what the farm was like when The Lord was working it alone!"




Some old Adverts from long ago

Music

One hit wonder

Kevin Johnson [a Aussie] achieved worldwide fame with his only hit record

Kevin Johnson......Rock and Roll, I gave you the best years of my life

Chlidrens books [Idon't think so]

Naughty joke... but a pretty good come back line
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks,

he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?

'The new husband replies:

'It isn't that bad.

Past the first 2 inches it'sall brand new.'

130






This is one of the funniest clips I have seen for a while
Put away all your inhibitions and judgemental views and have a good laugh
Who's line is it...Drew Carey and Richard Simmons

Saw these pictures over at amyoops

All are not created equal

Ready or not, some day, it will come to an end.
There will be no more surprises: no more minutes, hours or days.
All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass on to some else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owed or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments , frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, will your hopes, ambitions, plans, and your to- do lists will expire.
The wins and losses, that once seemed so important, will fade away.
At the end, it won’t matter where you were born or on what side of the tracks you lived.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So, what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built…
Not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people knew you, but how many people will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstances but a matter of choice.
Are you living a life that matters?

CARTOONS....Aliens

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green,

when the man holes out a 20 foot putt,

the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,

"Wow, that dog is really talented!

What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend,

"That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man.

"That depends on how hard I kick him."




For the Ladies

Some Blue grass Christian music

I'm not much of a "churchie"

But I like this song
Alison Krauss.....Iwill fly away

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!"

and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said,

"That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes

and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:

"What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked,

"What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled.

"I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom,

then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

The moral:

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert.

They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die,

they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner,

"I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other,

"What kind of place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told,

"Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says,

"This is a trifle bazaar."





Gas crisis

Another Al Gore cartoon

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book

and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said.

"Grandpa, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said.

"God made you just a little while ago.

"Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"





Evolution of man

stolen from Shelleys Snippets


The makers of well-known French Mustard have issued the following statement:

“We at wish to put an end to rumours that our product is made in France.

There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship,

between our mustard and the country of France.

Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in England.

The only thing that France and our Mustard

have in common is that they are both yellow.”

A man and his wife had been married for several years.

About two years into their marriage the husband began

carrying a picture of Pam around in his wallet,

something she had noticed but didn't comment on for several months.

Every once in awhile she'd catch him looking at her photo

and finally her curiosity got the best of her.

"I notice that several months ago you started carrying a photo of me with you.

Why?" asked the wife.

The husband smiled at his wife stating,

"whenever there is an overwhelming problem or stress in my life

I simply pull out your picture, stare at it,

and the problem or stress suddenly disappears."

"Wow!" responded his wife.

"I have that strong of a miraculous influence on you?"

"Of course you do," he said.

"I see your picture and say to myself,

'what greater problem in the world is there than this one?'"

Todays Music

One of the finest groups to come from New Zealand and make it big ,

both in Australia and New Zealand was Max Merritt and the Meteors

Why they didn't go onto bigger and better things in the States or Europe is a bit bewildering

If you read the comments about the clip on You Tube,

you will see that back in their heyday DJ Wolfman Jack in the States

played their hits quite regularly on his radio show

This clip ,although over 40 years ago is still as good as back then

Max Merritt and the Meteors....Slippin Away

129

William Tell Overture

thanks again to Bunk @Tacky Raccoons

G'day Bunk

Here is one of Bunks heroes having a bad day

There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby,

so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded,

so would his pay check.

After 6 children this started to get expensive

and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the

clergyman's additional children would cost the church.

Finally the preacher got up and spoke tothe crowd,

"Children are a gift from God, he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said

." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers,

and the congregation said,

"Amen"

CARTOONS

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains

when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close by

.“Oh! That doesn’t sound good,” says one cowboy to his pal.

As soon as the words are spoken,

an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and says,

“Yeah well, our regular drummer is off sick.”

------------------------------

What can I say????

Video dedication

Iasked my son Phil [another one] what his favourite song was

And if I could find it ,Iwould post it on the blog

This is what he chose

You tube wouldn't let me embed it, but here is a link

Blink 182.........Adam's Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmLa_W_afH4

Kieran Valenti mentioned to me that he loved this song
Iknow I have posted it before, but it is such a tremendous song by a fabulous singer
Rita MacNeil....Working Man







A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles,
"Damn clock always was slow."




Computer Cartoons

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet,

a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said.

"This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged,

"May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked.

"Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided.

"I crashed my wife's hard drive!"





Some great Animal pictures

A Traffic cop stops a guy for speeding

"I've been waiting all day for you," says the cop.

The guy replies, "Well I’ve got here as fast as I can."




Cool Advert

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.

Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.

He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small talk,

Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?

I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"



My Music

Two classics today

Hope you enjoy them

Minnie Riperton.........Loving you

Demis Roussos....Forever and ever




demis roussos - ever and forever

Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one

that shines in me like the morning sun.

Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be my spring,

my rainbow's end and the song I sing.

Take me far beyond imagination.

You're my dream come true, my consolation.

Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be my dream,

my symphony, my own lover's theme.

Ever and ever, forever and ever my destiny

will follow you eternally.

Take me far beyond imagination.

You're my dream come true, my consolation.

Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one

that shines in me like the morning sun.

Ever and ever, forever and ever my destiny

will follow you eternally.

128


Mothers Day 2008







Funny Lifeguard

Thanks Bunk @Tacky Raccoons







A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down.
Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk.
A mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse
and knocked on the door until two young men came out.
"Kin we help ya, miss?"
"Yes, my car broke down about mile back.
I wonder if you could drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"
"Well, now, the town's all shut up right now and don't open back up until tomorrow mornin'.
But ah'll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here an ah'll tow yer car over to the farmhouse
and you kin spend the night here with us."
The woman thought, "Well, I really don't have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself,"
so she agreed.
After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse,
and they were getting ready for bed, the first one said,
"Yah know, miss, we only got one bed in this here house,
so ah'm afraid ya'll have ta sleep with us."
The woman thought about it, and consented.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said,
"By the way, you DO have protection, don't you?"
"Protection? What's that?"
"You know, condoms."
"Well, what're they for?"
"It's so I don't get pregnant."
"We're simple country folk, miss. Ah'm afraid we don't know about those things."
"Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on."
"Hmm... well, all right."
The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night.
The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town,
where she got her car repaired and drove off.
About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set,
when the first one said,
"Hey, d'ya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?"
"Yep. She was real good, wasn't she."
"Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope."
"Well, then, let's take these durn things off!"





Double Suicide


stolen from Bits and Pieces





Here is a link to some stunning photos on National geographic
National Geographic Channel strikes again [Pics]







Todays Cartoons...Animals

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist

in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded.

"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up sleeping with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see", nodded the psychiatrist.

"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

"No!" exclaimed the nurse.

"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

stolen fromIt occurred to me

-------------------------------------------------------

Video Dedication

Todays video isdedicated to all lovers of Do Wop music

If you are as old as I am then cast your mind back to 1959

[you don't have to be old to enjoy this]

The Fleetwoods......Come softly to me




Neat way to Harvest

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,

"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,

"Let's try to rephrase that.

"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is!"

Right Song...Wrong Words

Have you ever seen Lorraine

stolen from Shelleys Snippets

My Mummys a Teddy Bear

A new born monkey abandonded by its mother at a London Zoo,

was given a Teddy Bear

Cowchita is the second white naped Mangabey born in the UK

-------------------------------

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes -

during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid,

some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do)

one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.

"I thought we might need some extra time,

so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.

It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall

and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy

and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion.

"Don't you see?

It's the bottom of the Ninth,

the score is tied,

and the bassists are loaded."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Windows House

Stung by a Bee
A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams,

"I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies,

"Between the first and second hole."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies,

"It sounds like your stance is too wide."
stolen from Miss Cellania


Music

Crank up your volume and enjoy

The Air that I breathe......The Hollies

127




This video was a April Fools Joke circulated by the BBC this year

stolen from
Tacky Raccoons





An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge
and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker
to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable
(a termwoodpeckers like to use).
The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence,
said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused
How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree
and the Alberta woodpeckerwas able to peck the Saskatchewan tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion
:Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Fans of the "Scrubs "TV show will like this

stolen from Miss Cellania

A maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
"Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me.
I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."
Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "I see."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got the raise





CARTOONS......The fuel crisis

Good, Better, Best

GOOD

A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,

but wasn't getting many.

Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road

with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS'

and a bucket full of money.(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton, AB.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As the Saskatchewan RCMP Officer walked to her car window,

flipping open his ticket book, she said,

I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.

'There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car

and drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car
[thanks Josie J]


ET has been caught

Seven kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called:

Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone

and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:

Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time

and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:

Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.

Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:

Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.

'The 5th kind of sex is called:

Religious Sex,

Which means you get Nun in the morning,

Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very popular)

The 6th kind is called

Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.

She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called:

Social Security Sex,

You get a little each month.

But not enough to enjoy your self.
Thanks to my Daughter Rennae who sent me that


Video Dedication

The delightful Karon Langridge has requested this hit from the 60's

Norman Greenbaum......Spirit in the Sky

Fun with Pigs

Pigs can fly

Make a wish!!!!

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him that you charge a hundred dollars.

Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,

"How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks,

"What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job.

He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE length.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says,

"I'll be right back."
She runs back to Harry.

'What's wrong?' he asks,
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks

--------------------------------------

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

Its for Dickheads
Thanks David J

Three friends had a good friend named Joe

and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say

''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him,

so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe

could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said,

''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man,

shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said,

''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''




How to spot queer terrorist

OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN


I was trolling around You Tube a couple of days ago

and looking at some Waylon Jennings music video's,

when I came accross this

This is 1966 clip of Waylon and I thought it was really good

Waylon Jennings....Mental Revenge