277


Today Is Armistice Day

Stop for a moment or two
and remember those who fought and gave their lives
and those who still are

------------------------------------------------


This week Sesame Street Celebrated its 40th Birthday
Here is a little tune that my kids enjoyed when they were ankle biters
And now my Grandkids enjoy as well




----------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------

The Red Sparrows

thanks Wayne W

------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport,

the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

-------------------------------------------------

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,

"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then bugger off
----------------------------------------------

Who will get the last beer

thanks Liz Z

-------------------------------


Death/Deaf

------------------------------------------------------

The Eye Ball Game

Have a go at this

Once again Iperformed poorly
http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#22LVLR/woodgears.ca/eyeball//


-----------------------------------------

With Summer rapidily approaching

what better way to get you into beach mode,

than with these "Tube waves"

Lets go surfing

Standing at the edge of the lake,

a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed forhelp

.A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.

Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman,

put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,

"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time,

I thought it was my wife.

But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,

"Just my luck.

How much do I owe you?"

------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------

Piano Stairs



thanks David J

---------------------------------------------------

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural..

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,

'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that 's a good start.

Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyonehere ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further....

Have any ofyou ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says

'Son, all the years I'vebeen giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,

and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied,

" Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


thanks Liz Z

---------------------------------



I'm puzzled

Babies

-----------------------------------------------

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture….

There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

thanks Duke

----------------------------------------------

Party in the Stomach



thanks to my son Phil Jnr

------------------------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

When Life Gets You Down

A little birdie said to me,

“Cheer up - life could be worse!”

So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse...

Sometimes when you're angry with someone,

it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

The 35 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

------------------------------------
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

276

Mates

-----------------------------



--------------------------

Is this a redneck Basement or bomb shelter????


Redneck go Kart

------------------------------------

Stevie boy is going on an ocean cruise,

and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him,"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

-----------------------------


Penguins



try this link
Poke the Penguin for about 20 seconds

http://www.gamesville.lycos.com/html_poke/poke_penguin.swf

-------------------------------------------------------

Where's the Rake??




thanks Denis McC

-----------------------

Smile time..........

------------------------------------------------------

I have been asked a few times to post my all time favourite music hits

After some consideration

Icame up with these three

You might not agree ,but to me these are tops

Them..featuring Van Morrison [1965]


-----------------

Credence Clearwater Revival [CCR]

----------------------

Willie Nelson

BLUE EYES CRYING IN THE RAIN(Fred Rose)

In the twilight glow

I see her blue eyes crying in the rain

And when we kissed goodbye and parted

I knew we'd never meet again

Love is like a dying ember

only memories remain

Through the ages I'll remember

blue eyes crying in the rain

[ guitar ]

Some day when we meet up yonder

we'll stroll hand in hand again

In a land that knows no parting

blue eyes crying in the rain
-----------------------------

--------------------------------------------------
The Oil Crisis [Canadian Style]
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada .
Well, there's a very simple answer, "Nobody bothered to check the oil".
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.

Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NOVA SCOTIA

COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND

Our DIPSTICKS

are located in OTTAWA
Any Questions ???

NO ?... Didn't think so.

thanks Charlotte H

--------------------------------------------------

Dogs vs Cats

-----------------------------------------------------------

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.

And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.

He handed it to Leon.

“Now then, I’m returning $5,000,

and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

-------------------------------------------------------


Whats going on here?

McDonalds Holiday resort?? Who knows!, Who cares!


--------------------------------------------------------



Why the NorthWest Airlines plane overshot the runway

thanks Liz Z

-----------------------------------

It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum.

All the patients were standingout in the courtyard and singing, Ave Maria,

and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand

and tapping itrhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance

and then approached theconductor.

"I am a retired choir director", he said.

"This is one of thebest choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them", said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour", said the visitor.

"What are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem.

One inmate wanted to call them

theBig Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam.

But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam.

Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name

but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well", the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious", replied the conductor.

"They all agreed to call themselves"...

... The Moron Tapanapple Choir.

------------------------------------------

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Dentists practice by going through many drills.
Dermatologists often make rash statements.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Direction a sneeze travels: Atchoo!
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks - it's all lice.
Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

-------------------------------------------------

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.

He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.

The doc prescribes it for him,

he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.

That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.

They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. "Three times!"

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

."I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.

Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"

--------------------------------------------------

Architectural...... FAIL

thanks David J

---------------------------------------
Changing tyres...Be careful

Watch all three




thanks Liz Z


-----------------------------------------------

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate,

and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan,

where he quickly rose tothe top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper,

at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern,

but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant,

he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room

and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure

just enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door,

never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.

He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy

and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied,

"Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here,

but then I moved away.

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago,

but an embarrassing thing happened

and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him.

"Sir, while I don't have your life experience,

one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me

isn't even remembered by others.

I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."The clerk asked,

"Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

------------------------------------

What a pity.

those living in this house

would have been faxed to the South Pole eons ago

------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------

--------------------------------

A canibal suffered from indigestion and went to see his witch doctor.

After explaining the problem, the witch doctor asked him:

"What have you been eating?"

The cannibal replied,

"the usual..catholic missionaries"

"And what do these catholic missionaries look like?"

the witch doctor asked.

"Brown robes with rope belts and a little bald spot at the back of their heads"

"I see,and how have you been cooking them?"

"You know,the usual. Put them in a big pot,

fill it with water, light the fire and cook them"

"Thats your problem" the witch doctor said

"Those are friars, not boilers"

----------------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

oops!!!



Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

275

Sax and Violence



--------------------------

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex
and according to her Grandmother
all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem and since there was no trustworthy doctor
anywhere in the village, they went to see the Veterinarian.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer,
his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding,
with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told Paddy and Maggie to hire a strong, virile young man
to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin
to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners
and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,
one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and,
in a boasting voice, said:
“And that, me son, is how ya waves a towel.”

----------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU SEEN MY MOOSE?
Without the picture, this would be hard to believe.
Read under the picture..

Moose Incident - Fairbanks, Alaska
"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles.
The moose are rutting right now and very agitated.
He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables.
When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment
the moose went up with them.
They noticed excess tension in the lines
and went searching for the problem.
He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground..
He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved!"

thanks Liz Z

-----------------------------------------


A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood.
He asks his friend,"What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood...
But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park.
-----------------------------------



-----------------------
The Two Ronnies


------------------------------

A young man was planning to get married
and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,
'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.'
The man was astonished and asked,
'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied,
'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue.
If she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw',
you hit her head with the shovel.'

------------------------------------------

Because the train will win



Look out for Police cars

Elephant Potty

thanks Liz Z

----------------------------

------------------------------

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides),

as a combat vessel, carried48,600 gallons of fresh water

for her crew of 475 officers and men.

This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.

She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log,

"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston

with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,

7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October,

she took on 826 pounds of flour and68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.

She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England ..

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war

and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,

salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland

. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery

and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,

with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky,

and38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY....

thanks Gordon H


--------------------------------

Jessi Colter

Waylon Jennings and Jessi Colter

Waylon Jennings ....[in his younger days]

-------------------------

Help the needy!!!!

-------------------------------------------

My neighbour found her dog could hardly hear,

so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted

to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy

and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the Pharmacist tells her,

"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either;

if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

--------------------------------------------------------

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney,

"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.

"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued,

"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking,

really making the bedsprings bounce,

when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


------------------------------------


spotted in the northern suburbs of Perth

---------------------------

These will get me into trouble with "her indoors"

Some more Bill Haley



----------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY and THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION

.4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?




Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

274


Its hard to be Humble


-----------------------


The Message
"One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel;
to get both points of view.
So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes,
the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good.
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them,
a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?



Oh! You didn't get one either?"
--

stolen from.......Slavenka and Obi
------------------------------------------------

American Politics and Halloween

----------------------------------



A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV

when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love?

Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Bugger you," she said. "You're having soup.

I was talking to the cat."

----------------------------------------------

Canadian Beer

----

---

-------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------

Reaction Test

See how you go

I performed very poorly
Good luck!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

thanks Liz Z
------------------------------------

Billie Jo Spears

--------------------------------------

From my wife
Sometimes, I think I love my dog more than I love my husband.

Then again, he slobbers all the time,

he's always hungry,

and he won't stop bothering me even if I swat him with a newspaper.

The dog doesn't.

-----------------------------------------

THIS IS INCREDIBLE...

Read all the Numbers....

Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

19 20 21 22 23 24 25

26 27 28 29 30
Scroll down ....................

^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^

TOMORROW I WILL POST THE ABC's

It so easy to amuse old people.

--------------------------------------



Clever Ads

thanks Wayne W

------------------------------------

I know not many interesting things happen in Saskatchewan,

but I think this is beautiful.

Hope you like these pictures also.

Avro Lancaster Bomber
Here's some shots from the Saskatoon control tower as they gave a couple of passes,

then went to Winnipeg.

There's only two of them still flying in the world

and one of them flew over Saskatoon.

The Avro Lancaster, one of the most famous bombers of World War 2

Thousands of Canadian aircrew served with the RCAF and the Lancaster Squadrons.

Over 4 hundred Lancaster MK X's were built in Canada

and shipped overseas for flying duty.

And throughout the entire world, only two still fly today,

one in England and one in Canada.

The bomber is one hundred and two feet long and just under 70 feet wide.

It can reach top speeds of 2 hundred and 87 miles an hour

and has four Rolls Royce Merlin Engines.

The fly past is a tribute pass to veterans and a farewell salute to the Cameco Canada Remembers Airshow.

thanks Liz Z

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Kiwi Army Mascot

Halloween Pun
Got this from Grouchy Old Cripple

click on "this"

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A veterinarian was barred from performing surgery because ofhis poor record.

However, the veterinarian ignored the ruling and continued to do surgery.

On a tip the police busted him just as he was to operate on a sick bird.
However, the case was thrown out of court.
Why did that happen, y’all ask?

Because . . .
. . . it was an ill eagle surgeon seizure.



stolen from.......Archies Archive
--------------------

-----------------------------------------

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week

and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically.

"You better have a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.

The wife decided to drive me to the station.

She got ready in ten minutes,

but then the drawbridge got stuck.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river --

look, my suit's still damp --

ran out to the airport,

got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter,

landed ontop of Radio City Music Hall,

and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

some Dilbert’s one liners…
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. J
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have troubleputting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed papertray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy whoinvented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. J
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. J J
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. J
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again,neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,fattening

or in love with someone else

-------------------------------

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

273





Bobby Vinton [2002]

------------------------

Land ho!
A panicked passenger in the Titanic:
Passenger: Captain, How far is the way to the nearest land?
Captain: Two and a half Miles.
Passenger: In which direction?
Captain: Towards bottom!

---------------------
Prison

To morrow

thanks Liz Z

---------------------------

During a difficult time, I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
-------------------

O Canada

695...tree.... tree...... tree......tree

It's time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about
WINTER POEM
It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Canada

I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

thanks Don H

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Just cause its so hard for us to get together for a coffee....

have one on me....
This is cute.

I don't know how they figure all this stuff out.

Enjoy
1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON OPEN ENJOY!
to start click COFFEE MACHINE

thanks Liz Z


----------------------------

BEARS

What do you call a collection of Panda Bears??

Hope thats not a Bud Light!!

------------------------------------------------

Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings


---------------------------------

"A man has to leave the country on business

and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife.

He instructed if anything out of the ordinary should occur,

he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram:

'The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday...'"

stolen from......Slavenka and Obi

------------------------------------------------




OOPS!!!!!

Somehow Pregnant
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

“Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists

and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor,

“someone in that colony is cockeyed.”

-----------------------------------------------

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,

"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,

"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says,

"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

the four men give her a subtle,

"Well....?"
She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say,

"Oh My God."

--------------------------------------------
See you later Alligator


-------------------------------------------

NO FOOLING THE NAVY

The old sea captain was dining in a Portsmouth restaurant.

"Waiter, what's this?" he asked, after being presented with a bowl of thin soup

."It's consomme, sir," replied the waiter.

"Shiver me timbers," said the sea- dog.

"For forty years I've been sailing on consomme, and never knew it

-------------------------------------

stolen from.... amyoops

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.