Monday, December 29, 2008

192
Back to work after a few days off



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More countdown widgets here

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A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together
when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.
Unable to get back into the boat,
they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.
Without a word the lawyer took off!
As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!"
"No", said the doctor,
"That's professional courtesy!"

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Every pub should have this servive

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books
- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape,

"Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan,

"I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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Who said blokes were not romantic


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Interesting graphs







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Cartoons





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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH …
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders.
All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
‘Fixinto’ is one word.
There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.
‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or off to ‘Wally World.’
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.
An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.
We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . .. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERYONE can’t be a Southerner; it takes talent
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for my good friend Sandee @Comedy Plus
A couple of Yachtie's jokes
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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.
This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.
He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up.
After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map?
Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea.
After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left, Starboard Right.
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A woman was having a medical problem -
her husband was snoring very loudly and every night !
So she called the doctor one morning,
and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor,
"but it is really rather expensive.
It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months,
plus payments for extras of course.
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed,
"that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
================
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Tiger Wood's Yacht
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For all you Carpenters, woodworkers and home handy men out there
This table saw that will stop when it senses flesh touching the blade in order
to save the roughly 10 fingers that get cut off every day.
Well, the inventor of the SawStop, Steve Gass,
finally stuck his own finger directly into the blade on a Discovery TV show
and put his money where his mouth…
er, finger is.
Watch and see what happens!

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Bears
We want a lawyer!!!


Come on in the waters beaut

Bear Bubbles



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What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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Nice Cigar


Groovy hairstyle
[I was unable to think of a better caption. Maybe you can??]

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How To Handle Old People
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital
."How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...
and that's it.
I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing,"he says
, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
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I went to a store to buy some insecticide.
"Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk
."No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

191
Been having a bit of a "slack attack" the past few days.
Having a break from endless work






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· So, come Fly with me
Over the mountains
Move your cursor the screen Left, right, up, down
and you will have the impression that you are flying over the mountains.
http://www.electricoyster.com/electric3d/index.html
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A few belated Xmas Funnies



Santa is a Plumber





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· It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, Rosita, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechua Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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Aussie Comedians
The Umbilical Brothers....The Finger




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It’s little known that William Shakespeare, as well as writing,
also enjoyed a good game of rugby in his spare time.
So, the team is assembled for practice one Saturday afternoon.
It’s the middle of winter, and even for England, it’s cold and it’s wet.
The pitch is a muddy swamp,
and the players decide that they simply can’t play in these conditions.
So they go to the club-house for a bit, but they very quickly get bored.
And then one of the players has a bright idea:
Why don’t we all go over to William’s house?
William Shakespeare is doubtful, but they persuade him,
and pretty soon, the whole squad is relaxing in his living room.
Well, they’re rugby players, and true to the stereotype, they all quickly get drunk,
and of course, they come up with the even better idea -
of having their rugby practice in the house (”well, it’s a big house, after all”).
William has also been drinking, so he’s easy to persuade this time,
and after moving some furniture out of the way,
they get down to the serious business of practicing their sport.
Meanwhile, not far away, the King has just had a great idea for a play,
and dispatches a messenger to summon his favorite playwright.
Well, the messenger arrives at the house,
and he can hear this enormous commotion from inside,
with shouting and crashes,
and he thinks that William Shakespeare must be getting attacked.
He braces himself, and crashes through the front door…
and lands directly in the path of two groups of large hairy rugby players.
The messenger is pinned to the floor for a while, and he can’t move.
He does manage to free himself momentarily,
before getting trapped again, up against a wall.
Finally, he escapes, and returns to the palace as quickly as his mangled body will allow.
The king takes one look at him, and gasps.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I think,” said the messenger,
“that I got caught between a ruck and a bard’s place.”
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A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II,
who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began,
was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn,
in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.
"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again.
When I was a young man, although there should have
been plenty of food and drink to go around,
Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony and feasts for all his noble friends,
leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food in the gutters
of Moscow and St Petersburg."
He shook his head and sighed.
"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"




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Short Memory Test
Have a go at this
Try and get past Level three
Buggered if I can
Maybe next week when my brain is active again
http://neutralx0.net/home/mini04.html
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Cartoons.....Dogs






I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal dogfood at the supermarket
and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??

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Did you hear that scientists have found female hormones in beer?
It's true - after 6 pints you talk a load of crap and can't drive.

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LIFE AFTER DEATH AND MORE
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT,
FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.
WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME,
THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.
THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "
THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED,
"YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED,
"WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER.
THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS!:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED
AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY,
"DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED,
"NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,
"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,"
THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE.
"NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS.
"WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS
IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING :
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY.
WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN.
WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT
FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL..
HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID,
"I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
NEW TEACHER:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid,
Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
COLD CREAM:
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie.
"Giving up?"
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID,
"AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.





Sunday, December 21, 2008




190


Phils Phun extends best wishes for the festive season to all readers and supporters.
Have a safe and enjoyable Xmas and may 2009 be all you wish for.

This post is a collection of Xmas pictures and jokes Ihave collected over the past weeks
If I have stolen it from you, thank you very much







We wish you a ripper Xmas





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The Singing Christmas Parrot
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!
A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty,
but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities
and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife
and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed,
and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter
under both of Chet's feet instead.
The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it.
So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing,
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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Her's a pretty cool jigsaw puzzle that my daughter Rennae sent me
Click here: Santa's Jigsaw



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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap,
Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped:
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

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"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
8. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.




Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
"A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

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It wouldn't be Xmas if didn't have a couple of traditional Aussie Xmas songs
Aussie Jingle Bells




Six White Boomers...Rolf Harris




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A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas
serving behind the counter.
“Santa!” he says. “What are you doing working here?

Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?”
Santa Claus sighs.

He’s really let himself go. The red suit’s got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it.
His apron’s in a mess and he just looks fed up
and like he doesn’t want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
“Well,” Santa says at last, “the business has gone belly up.

With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating.
I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality
and we just lost our competitive edge.
Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS.
But… it didn’t help.
The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation.”
“Gee,” the guy says.

“I’m really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way.”
“Yeah,” says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile.

“Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?”
The guy says, “I’ll have a large Donner.
“Sorry,” says Santa.

We’re all out of Donner…….Will Blitzen do instead?”

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There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.
He was standing in his house one day with his wife.
He looked out the window and saw something happening.
He says to his wife,
"Look honey. Its raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded,
"I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better.
So he says to his wife,"Let's step outside and we'll find out."
Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.
And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies,
" I knew it was raining.
Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Tequila Christmas Cake
Once again this holiday,
I have had numerous requests for my tequila Christmas cake, so here goes:
Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take out a large bowl,
check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit get as stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner
Finally, throw the bowl through the window
.Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Christmas
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· A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?
'The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,Mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch , flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - dead from the root up
and the balls are just for decoration.'
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Andre Rieu...Silent Night




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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.