Monday, December 29, 2008

192
Back to work after a few days off



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More countdown widgets here

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A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together
when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.
Unable to get back into the boat,
they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.
Without a word the lawyer took off!
As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!"
"No", said the doctor,
"That's professional courtesy!"

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Every pub should have this servive

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books
- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape,

"Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan,

"I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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Who said blokes were not romantic


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Interesting graphs







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Cartoons





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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH …
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders.
All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
‘Fixinto’ is one word.
There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.
‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or off to ‘Wally World.’
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.
An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.
We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . .. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERYONE can’t be a Southerner; it takes talent
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for my good friend Sandee @Comedy Plus
A couple of Yachtie's jokes
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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.
This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.
He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up.
After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map?
Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea.
After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left, Starboard Right.
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A woman was having a medical problem -
her husband was snoring very loudly and every night !
So she called the doctor one morning,
and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor,
"but it is really rather expensive.
It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months,
plus payments for extras of course.
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed,
"that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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Tiger Wood's Yacht
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For all you Carpenters, woodworkers and home handy men out there
This table saw that will stop when it senses flesh touching the blade in order
to save the roughly 10 fingers that get cut off every day.
Well, the inventor of the SawStop, Steve Gass,
finally stuck his own finger directly into the blade on a Discovery TV show
and put his money where his mouth…
er, finger is.
Watch and see what happens!

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Bears
We want a lawyer!!!


Come on in the waters beaut

Bear Bubbles



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What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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Nice Cigar


Groovy hairstyle
[I was unable to think of a better caption. Maybe you can??]

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How To Handle Old People
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital
."How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...
and that's it.
I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing,"he says
, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
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I went to a store to buy some insecticide.
"Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk
."No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


3 comments:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I'm so stealing this one. Bwahahahahaha. You have some great stuff. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Ha! I'm taking the port, starboard one too. Thanks for posting those in my honor. Very nice indeed.

The first one will post on January 1 and the second one on January 2.

Have a terrific day. :)

Gran said...

I have a lot of those Monday's, Phil! Happy New Year!

Very, very funny, btw :)