Saturday, January 29, 2011


392
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The beautiful young career girl had one unhappy trait:
She would fall head over heels in love with a different man each week,
always with the conviction that her latest beau was the man of her dreams,
with whom she could live happily ever after.
One particularly devastating experience finally convinced her
that she had to put an end to this distressing habit.
She vowed to spend the next few evenings alone
and repaired to her favorite bar to console herself.
As luck would have it, she encountered a handsome, well-groomed stranger,
whom she couldn't resist approaching.
"Let me buy you a drink," the young man said, after she sat down next to him.
"But I really must tell you that nothing will come of it."
His reserve intrigued her, and after several drinks,
her attraction to him had grown considerably.
In fact, the more the fellow put her off, the more fascinated she became.
'Here,' she thought, 'is a truly fine young man
who didn't try to take advantage of her body like all the rest.'
Before she knew it, she had invited him to her apartment.
"I'm just not the type of person who does that sort of thing," her new friend replied.
"But I'll come along for conversation."
His hesitance increased her ardor for him all the more!
By the tune they had reached her apartment,
she was irresistibly drawn to him.
Once inside, she reclined languorously on the couch and beckoned to him.
"Please," he pleaded. "I told you this couldn't work out."
"But you don't understand," she said.
"I want you for my husband!"
"That's quite different!" he said enthusiastically.
"Send him in!"


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How "Riverdance" came about

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A man visits his doctor.
“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation.
Can you cure me?” he asks.
“No, I can’t,” says the doctor.
“But I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span

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Those Funny Animals












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Blast from the Past



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An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank
and got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
When they returned to their hide-out,
the American distributed the money in three even shares.
He counted each portion aloud:
"1000 dollars for me,
1000 pesos for you,
1000 liras for you
...
"1000 dollars for me,
1000 pesos for you,
1000 liras for you
...
"1000 dollars for me,
1000 pesos for you,
1000 liras for you
...
"1000 dollars for me,
1000 pesos for you,
1000 liras for you."
The Mexican said to the Italian,
"SeƱor, I can't stand these Yankee gringos,
but I admit they are honest."


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Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room
to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa
in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia.
They're crap and we can't be bothered"
.Carlos looks at them and says
"Well, the way I've been playing recently,
I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself
and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going,
so they get the landlord to put the telly on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)"
He is beating Australia all by himself!
Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game
is forgotten until someone remembers
"It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on".
They put the telly back on.
"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes)
- Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos.
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself
. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.
"No, No, I have" says Spencer,
"I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes



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Parallel Lines

The film must be no more than three minutes long
-It must be as cinematic as possible
-It must feature the following dialogue and no other lines
'What is that?',
'It's a unicorn',
'Never seen one up close before',
'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away',
'I'm Sorry.'






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Cavemen and CaveWomen















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SOMETHING AUSSIE



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Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers,
so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.
After a while he wanders into a cinema.
When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays
and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.
Everyone stands up and begins singing,
except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear:
"Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do,
but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."
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Check The Link Below.
I was Shocked to Find my location on Earth so very EASILY!!
It’s really unbelievable.
I was surprised to know such technology exists.
Don't need a tom-tom or tom cat or whatever ---
It uses your IPS address and finds the exact location
of any internet user in seconds.
They have used a sophisticated time based algorithm to do so.
Try it and find your own location on the earth.
Your location will pop up in a new window in about 10 seconds or so.
http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html
thanks Liz Z
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Then and Now


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What can I say!!!!


Another Horrible Woman Driver - Watch more Funny Videos




Recently, my husband put his car in reverse
and accidentally drove it into a wall.
He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he did it again.
"I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.
"Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested.
"Maybe I will," he said while dialing.
"It worked the last time."

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It was the custom of the local Convent to dedicate a chair in memory
of the Nun who had conscientiously applied her life to some
portion of the Convent for 50 years or more.
There were, already, several chairs sitting around the monstrous oak table.
There was a chair to Sister Ann of the Kitchen
who gave 52 years of providing nutritious meals to the Nuns.
There was a chair to Sister Marie of the Bells
who had given 56 years of her life responsibly ringing the bells
telling the Nuns of the schedule.
Then, of course, there was a chair dedicated to Sister Yvonne
of the Closet who had given almost 60 years of her life keeping the Convent clean.
There had not been any Chairs dedicated for many decades
because none of the Nuns had either been as responsible
or had the longevity to earn such an honor.
But all this came to a close when Sister Catherine died.
Sister Catherine had given more than 75 years of her life to the Convent,
but there was a problem.
She had been such a responsible Nun,
had done so many things for so many people,
and was the one everyone called on when an emergency arose
that there was no particular place of service she had dedicated her life.
Yet, it was felt if anyone deserved a Chair, it was Sister Catherine.
The Committee went to work reviewing Sister Catherine's life,
reviewing the philosophy of this august honor, and exercising their options.
They knew she was deserving of this honor,
but they did not know how to label the honor.
Finally the day came, and everyone was called to honor Sister Catherine.
After everyone was assembled around the massive oak table
and the prestigious comments were made about her,
the covering was removed from the brass plaque on the chair to proudly announce:
"To Sister Catherine, Nun of the Above."
-- Sir Lawrence Brotherton
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There was this burglar who broke into the AT&T consumer products warehouse,
and was filling his bags with various telephones
when he heard police sirens getting near.
He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert
was going on and hid among the horn sections.
The police wandered through,
but were unable to find him among the musicians.
He fit right in, having those sacks o' phones.

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Bonus Video



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Anklebiters [Kids]


















While in the checkout line at Home Depot,
I overheard one man say to another,
"My wife has been after me to paint our shed.
But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."
His friend nodded.
"I like women who get mad like that."

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"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"







but I leave you with



thanks Celeste

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



Wednesday, January 26, 2011



391

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You know you're in the middle of the outback when.....
a billboard announces "Last McDonalds 500 km" (or more)
......You ask for directions to a particular landmark
or place and are told it's 'just around the corner'. 50 km later down the road,
you finally find it
....You ask where you are and discover it has no name.
.....the landscape looks all the same and hasn't changed in 500 km (ie in N.T, SA, WA.)
....when in getting from town A to town B in a day you manage
to easily listen to all the music in your 10 CD stacker
....there's only one road and you're on it...for hundreds of kms.
....if you don't fill up with petrol NOW,
you won't find another stop for 500 km, by which time it will be too late...

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An old swaggie was walking along a dusty bush road in the blazing midday heat.
He hears a horse-drawn vehicle coming up the road behind him …
then a nice tidy gig, driven by a local squatter,
stops beside him and the squatter calls out;
"G'day old bloke, hop up here and I'll give you a lift!".
The swaggie looks the squatter and his flash clothes up and down
… looks down the road, with its miles of dust and endless cattle gates
… and turns back to the squatter and says;
"No thanks. You can open your own bloody gates!"

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A bloke walks into a house of ill repute and says:
“I’m a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?”
The madam replies $60.
“Wow, what do I get for that?” he asks.
She says:
“A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.”


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A policeman in New South Wales pulled over a driver
who had been weaving in and out of the traffic
He approached the car window and said
"Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".
The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor's note.
On it was written:
"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said
"Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"
The man produced another letter.
This one said:
”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said:
"Right, I need a urine sample then".
The man produced a third letter from his pocket.
It read:
"This man plays cricket for Australia;
please don't take the piss out of him"

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An English tourist got himself a job working with
a fence building contractor in the outback
After a few weeks of working with just one other man, he asked the boss "
What is a bloke supposed to do about sex out in this god-forsaken place?"
The boss replied
"Well, the kangaroos aren't bad, mate".
"How in the hell does one do it with a kangaroo?' asked the Pommie.
"Right, we'll catch one and I'll show you" said the boss.
So they caught a kangaroo,
and as they struggled to hold it down the boss looked carefully all around the horizon.
"What are you looking for?" asked tha Pommie.
"I gotta be careful" said the boss,
"I'm going steady with an emu."





Camel riding at dusk on Cable Beach Broome

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An Aussie, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,
throws his glass in theair, pulls out a gun,
shoots the glass to pieces and says,
"In Seth Efricka(South Africa), our glasses are so cheap that
we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Kiwi obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,
throws his glass intothe air, pulls out his gun,
shoots his glass to pieces and says,
"Well mate,in UnZud (EnZed - New Zealand)
we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Australian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun
and shoots both the South Africanand the New Zealander and says,
"In Australia we have so many bloody SouthAfricans and New Zealanders
that we don't need to drink with the same onestwice."

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Dump Truck heading for a mining site in WA
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The True Australian
What makes a true Australian?
Have they set some stringent test?
Should he ride a stallion stockhorse
Round some station in the west?
Does he camp at night with ringers
When the dust has turned to mud?
Could you smell the eucalyptus
That is running through his blood?
Does he drift with sunburnt drovers
On the overlanders track?
Should he gallop through the timbers
With a stirring stockwhip crack?
Does he rush down mountain gullies
Chasing brumbies in the scrub?
Would you find him Saturday evening
In some lonely outback pub?
Am I any less Australian
On my green suburban block
Where I’ve never heard the gunfire
As they slaughter starving stock?
Where I can little but imagine
Tragic tales in times of drought.
As I’ve never wandered westward
To the stations further out.
I have never known the horror
When the water holes go dry.
I can only grasp at glimpses
Why a drovers wife would cry.
Am I any less Australian
‘Cause my crops just do not fail?
Or I’ve never humped Matilda
On a dusty trackless trail?
I live in easy splendour
On a manicured city street,
Is it guilt I should be feeling
For the bounty that I eat?
When my taps are never empty
And my grass is always green,
Should I feel regret and sorrow
For the things that might have been?
Now there’s not a single stockman
In the circle of my friends,
But they stick like mates together
And they’ll be there till it ends,
They are plumbers and they’re painters
And I like ‘em just the same;
They’re true Australian Aussies
Who are proud to bear that name.
Written by Bob Miller (The Larrikin)

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Aussie signs





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Bungle Bungles near Halls Creek...NW Australia


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How to wash a road train

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I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout
the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will,
it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2 If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Di rt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Di m your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



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--
a little bit of tongue in cheek

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
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Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
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Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
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Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians,
ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms
in every sport they played them in.
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Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing,
and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language,
when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
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Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens
were once Outlaw Pommies,
but none of that matters after several beers.


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.