Friday, May 29, 2009

239



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Dean Martin and the Andrew Sisters 1966


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Lighthouse
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse.
Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them,
with a lonely occupant.
Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water!
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft
and fought theirway through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man.
At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully.
"I was coming out to see you about your income taxes."
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Frog Leap Test...Can it be done???

Here is a little 'test' that is (supposedly) part of a second grade Computer class in China .
Some figure it out right away.
Others report having to work on it for a week (or more) to solve it.
PLAY HERE

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This guy says to his buddy,
'You'll never believe what happened last night.'
His buddy says, 'Well then, tell me what happened.'
The guy says, 'Last night the doorbell rang,
and when I opened the door
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.
'She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Of course, you can,'
and shut the door.'

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Spruce up your wedding New Zealand style



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A woman was in the maternity ward just after giving birth,
the doctor said to her
''your child is a wee bit different''
''What do you mean, what's wrong''
''well it a hermaphrodite''
what in the name of god is that'' she gasped
''Well basically it's got the organs of both male and female''
The woman looked puzzled and said
''what,........ you mean it's got a dick .....and a brain''
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Cartoons......Animals














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Johnny Cash

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A test to see if your brain is still working.?
Which one is the Blonde



Scroll down to see if you got it right???
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The Blonde is the one
With the wrong leg up
.Did you pass the test ?
And did you care
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News reported today that the Taliban are using sheep to detect mines.
They send them into a field
and if they're blown up, they have dinner.
If they make it through alive,
they have a date.
Works perfectly

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At the retreat, Sam and Samantha
were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.
'Samantha wrote:
'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love
with one another to a high degree
and that they respect each other very much,
just like Sam and I,
it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage
in the act physical sex with one another.'
And Sam wrote:
'I love sex.'
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Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel,
Luigi and his new bride,
Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train.
Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood
and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip.
Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down.
That train has’a too many rules!”
“What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend
.“Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station.
My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry
and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket.
The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say,
‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’
So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car,
eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say,
‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’
So we go to club’a car.
While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar.
An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again,
waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car.
Must’a go to smoker car.
’So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I,
we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed.
And we were just about to have’a sex
when that conductor come’a through yelling,
‘No’folk’a, Virginia!’”

stolen from Sandee@Comedy Plus
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Phils Philosophy


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






Tuesday, May 26, 2009

238



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
- where do they go?

WONDER NO MORE!!



IT IS A KNOWN FACT THAT THE PENGUIN IS A VERY RITUALISTIC BIRD
WHICH LIVES AN EXTREMELY ORDERED AND COMPLEX LIFE .


THE PENGUIN IS VERY COMMITTED TO ITS FAMILY AND WILL MATE FOR LIFE,
AS WELL AS MAINTAINING A FORM OF COMPASSIONATE
CONTACT WITH ITS OFFSPRING THROUGHOUT ITS LIFE.

IF A PENGUIN IS FOUND DEAD ON THE ICE SURFACE,
OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY AND SOCIAL CIRCLE
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DIG HOLES IN THE ICE,
USING THEIR VESTIGIAL WINGS AND BEAKS,
UNTIL THE HOLE IS DEEP ENOUGH FOR THE DEAD BIRD
TO BE ROLLED INTO AND BURIED.

THE MALE PENGUINS THEN GATHER IN A CIRCLE
AROUND THE FRESH GRAVE AND SING,
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"FREEZE A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"

_Thanks Gordon H
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Not to be confused with Austria

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Susan Boyle does it again

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Cartoons...........Marriage








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A woman is having lunch with a few of her friends one Sunday
when she announces she has discovered a way to keep her husband
from staying out late at night.
'Last night when I heard the front door open and my husband enter,
I yelled down, 'Joe, is that you?''
Her one friend turns to her and asks,
'How is that going to stop him from staying out late?'
She replied, 'My husband's name is Charles.'

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'
'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
'Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the Principal!'

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Karon wanted me to post some more 60's music
This is for you Karon


Who - Happy Jack 1967
Happy Jack wasn't old, but he was a man.
He lived in the sand at the Isle of Man.
The kids would all sing,
he would take the wrong key,
So they rode on his head in their furry donkey
.The kids couldn't hurt Jack,
They tried, tried, tried.
They dropped things on his back,
They lied, lied, lied, lied, lied
.But they couldn't stop Jack,
'or the waters lapping,
And they couldn't prevent Jack from being happy.
But they couldn't stop Jack,
'or the waters lapping,
And they couldn't prevent Jack from feeling happy.
The kids couldn't hurt Jack,
They tried, tried, tried.
They dropped things on his back
They lied, lied, lied, lied, lied.
But they couldn't stop Jack,
'or the waters lapping.
And they couldn't prevent Jack from being happy.
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More Cartoons........Sheep













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There was once a university researcher who specialised
in exploring modern myths and fables.
One year, in the course of her research she was expected
to investigate the real prevalence of sheep shagging.
Now of course, we all know that supposedly rural farmers are all starved of sex
and so have to indulge in the occasional animal liason,
but just how prevalent was this trend?
Our intrepid researcher set off to find out.
As she went along to the first farm,
she was understandably a little embarased about what she
was going to have to ask the farmer there.
She met him and started to chat to him about the weather, crops and suchlike.
Eventually, she got her nerve together and asked:
"Pardon me asking, but....have you ever shagged your sheep?"
"Arrr. I have." Was the dreaded answer.
"Err..., so how do you go about it exactly?"
"Well, it be easy really. Front legs over a gate, hold the hind legs and you're away really."
The researcher quickly made her excuses and left.
She felt sure this was an isolated incident.
But as she travelled around the sheep farms of the UK,
she repeatedly got the answer:
"Front legs over a gate, hold the hind legs and you're away."
As she was reaching the end of her study,
a shocking 62% of farmers had given this answer.
It was obviously a much more prevalent custom than she had previously realised.
At one of the last farms she visited,
she asked the dreaded question after the usual small talk.
"Pardon me asking, but....have you ever shagged your sheep?"
"Arrr. I have." Was the usual answer.
"So how do you go about it exactly?"
(She was more confident of asking by now).
"Well, it be easy really. Front legs over your shoulders, hold the hind legs and you're away."
"Hang on a minute,
all the other farmers I have spoken to have said front legs over a gate!"
"What! No kissing?"



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The fabulous Ross Sisters from 1944

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The Top 20 Ways to Say"Your Fly Is Open"
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
And The Number One Way To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

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Phils Philosophy



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are
understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


Friday, May 22, 2009

237




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It was August and somewhere in a small village in the Mediterranean area
it was rainy and dull weather.
The tourist season was bad as well because of the financial crisis.
Everyone has debts.
All of a sudden a rich Russian tourist arrived in the only hotel in the village
and without saying a word put a hundred Euro bill on the desk,
and moved on to find a room on the top floor.
The hotel owner quickly took the money and ran to the butcher to pay his debts.
This one in turn took the money and ran to the pig farmer to pay for his debts too.
The farmer took the money and ran to the factory of pig food to pay for his debts.
The factory manager ran to the village whore to pay for his debts,
and finally the prostitute ran to the hotel to pay for her debts,
as she always used the rooms over there to share with her clients.
After a while the Russian tourist came down the stairs.
He had found no suitable room and wanted his money back,
which the hotel owner handed him.
As a matter of fact nobody had earned a dime,
but everyone was debt free now
and they looked forward more optimistically.

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Just love this song
By far and away the best version


Desperado
Why don't you come to your senses
You've been out riding fences for so long now
Oh you're a hard one
But I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasing you will hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet
Well it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the things that you can't get
Desperado
you know you ain't getting younger
Your pain and your hunger are driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom
Well that's just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
Sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away
Desperado
Why don't you come to your senses
Come down from your fences
Open the gate
It may be raining
But there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
Let somebody love you
Before it's too late
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Cartoons.....Socks


why you should always wear socks






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Pepsi interview

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The Interview
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him
"Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.",
and then asks,
"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am,
and plan on starting at 10am every day.
Don't worry,we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says
"If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don'tyou want me to be here before 10am?"
"'This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
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The USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...
ENORMOUS!

BEAUTIFUL! When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail
to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 45 acres.
Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors
that can operate for more than 20 years without refuelling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2 Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28 - ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour
in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity
7. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
8. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
9. 18,150 meals served daily
10. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily,
enough for 2,000 homes
11. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
12. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
13. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
14. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations
(Sailor's salaries included).


The HMAS Gough Whitlam
Sunday, July 20, 2008 Sydney .
Headed for Newcastle ,
the Australian welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.
The HMAS Gough Whitlam set sail today from its home port of Sydney



The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy
and is a standing legacy to Prime Minister Whitlam
for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while Prime Minister.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium
and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat
or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which,
although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck,
form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
The 20 person crew is completely diversified,
including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.
This crew, like the crew aboard the Manly Ferry,
is specially trained to avoid conflicts
and appease any and all enemies of Australia at all costs!
An on - board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology
in any language to anyone who may find Australia offensive.
The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous,
the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense,
but instead in times of conflict,
the HMAS Gough Whitlam has orders to seek refuge in New Zealand .
The ship may be positioned near the Labor Party Headquarters for photo - ops.
The Whitlams Should be very proud.



And the newest: -
The HMAS Kevin Rudd,
sailing in from South East Asia, once a week.


Thanks Gordon
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walked, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Kevin Rudd?" asked Pinocchio.
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Have you seen the movie
Good Will Hunting
Here is the best scene from the movie
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Bonus Cartoons........Cave men











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Jim and his wife went for a stroll in their local park one evening.
They sat down on a bench to rest
and almost immediately could overhear voices coming
from a secluded spot behind them.
Suddenly the wife realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment,
she nudged Jim and whispered,
"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Jim objected. "Whistle? Why should I whistle?
Nobody whistled to warn me!!!"
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Keep your pants on


Thanks Jammo
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A famous hunter had successfully hunted almost every animal on Earth.
The one exception was the very rare Fu bird which lived high in the Himalayas
and was very difficult to spot.
It was also very dangerous.
If the Fu bird spotted anyone in its domain it would fly directly
at the person at 100 MPH, making it impossible to draw a bead on & shoot,
and would completely cover the intruder with its shit.
The shit was the most foul smelling substance on Earth
causing the recipient to want to immediately wash it off.
The problem was that if one washed the shit completely off, he would die.
Fully aware of this, the hunter took off in search of the Fu bird.
After many days of difficult climbing he reached the area where the Fu bird dwelt
and was trying to spot the bird & get off a shot before the Fu bird spotted him.
Unfortunately, the Fu spotted him first,
flew at him at 100 MPH & completely covered him with its shit.
It was so foul that the hunter could not bear it & so he proceeded to wash it completely off.
As soon as he accomplished this he died.

Oh, the moral of the story?: If the Fu shits, wear it!!!

Thanks Duke
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The King asked for three glasses of water.
But his servant brought him two and a half glasses instead.
What was the King's name?
Philip the Third
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Drinking











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Phils Philosophy







Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.