Wednesday, July 30, 2008

It continues to rain and Perth has surpassed its July average rainfall in almost a decade

Who will win???
US versus Australia

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other,

an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says

"Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!,"

right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly.

They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.

"Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts

"You can't do that" says the Irishman.

"Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman.



Coke heads........Japanese style

Doe in the Woods
Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.

A sea of Satellite dishes

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East
AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.

Alien lands in Brooklyn

Never trust a woman

Bunk over @Tacky Raccoons will like this video

Soccer chick

I'm the first


An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

Dreaming my Dreams
Marianne Faithfull
Waylon Jennings

Hooked on a ceiling


It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.
It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy you a Book
,But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything.
The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money
and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.

Here you go then ,just for you

Remember the Beverley Hillbillies
Well, here's Jed Clampett, the Rock Star

* A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
* Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
* Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
* Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
* Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass.
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
* Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
* I bet you get bullied a lot.
* I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
* I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
* I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
* I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
* I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
* I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
* I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
* I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
* If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
* If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
* If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
* If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
* I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
* I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
* I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
* I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
* Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
* Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
* People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
* She's the first in her family born without tail.
* Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
* That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
* This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
* What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
* Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
* What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
* When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
* You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
* You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
* You are not even beneath my contempt.
* You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
* You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
* You grow on people, but so does cancer.
* You have a nasty speech impediment…your foot.
* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
* You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
* You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
* Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
* You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Wet and Windy and miserable in Perth today

That reminds me

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian.
Above the old Indian was a sign that read,
-$5.00 -
If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,
"Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "Yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots
and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine.
Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up
and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money.
He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up,
dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian.
He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.
The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.
The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out
how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"
The Indian replies,
"By the wool in your zipper."


He came, He saw, He logged out

Some Funny TV Bloopers

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,

“I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,

you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says,
I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.


Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married.
She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too,
but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets

as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers,

'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatc hu want?' he says,
trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back,

'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls...
Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want.........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

No Overtaking.........OK

Rockin all over the World

Status Quo

John Fogerty

Great truths about life that I have learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Two lions, Roger and Clarence, go to Dublin for a weekend on the pints.
Roger is pretty much a man's man, straight forward hetero,
whereas Clarence - well, Clarence minces and simpers,
he likes to wear leather, you know the kind of thing.
So anyway, they start their pub crawl near their hotel, on Baggot Street, in Toner's.
They're enjoying their drinks and the craic,
then they finish up and decide to move on to the next pub.
"Where should we try next?" Roger asks.Clarence consults his guide book.
"It says the Cobblestone bar in Smithfields is pretty good - good for music and the like.
Shall we try there?"
"Are you crazy?" says Roger.
"That's miles away! Why don't we go to Doheny & Nesbitt's, it's just up the street!"
Which all goes to prove..
.The shortest distance between two pints is a straight lion

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender.
"You're Bard!"

Haven't posted any pictures of Bears for awhile
Here are a few
The Lonely Panda

Russian Bear


Polars bears enjoying a day at home

A bear Joke

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse
is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.
The headmaster tells her to send Billy to him the next time he turns up late.
He’ll tell Billy a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever!
The next day Billy shows up two hours late.
Billy says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a seventeen pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mum would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late.”
The teacher promptly takes him to the headmaster’s office and explains the story to him.
The headmaster tells Little Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was twenty four feet tall and had six-inch fangs.
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me.
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replies,
“Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”

Don't hold your breath waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thought for the Day

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Is it just me, or have you noticed that every 2nd blog you look at
there are pictures and photos of cats
What is the fascination with cats!!!!
My wife has two and several hanging around
If Ihad my way we would live in a cat-less society

Picture stolen from ..Blame it on the voices

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she she says, rolling her eyes.
"What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"Yeah, so?" she says.
"What color are you going to wear tonight?"
"Gold of course," the man says proudly.
"Really, dear, why don't you wear Silver," she responds.
"It would be nice if you were second for a change!"
"That's fine," he said without missing a beat.
"As long as you have your sister here for 'Bronze night'."

A couple of funny Ads from Indian TV

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?''
5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'

Good for Business[it pays to advertise]

Beer is now cheaper than gas.
Drink, don't drive!
You prefer coffee? CLICK HERE!
Place your coin in the slot
and select your coffee


It Doesn't matter anymore
Linda Ronstadt

Judith Durham [Seekers]

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Thought for the day
Where there's a will...
There's a dead person.

Are you the Plumber????

Two residents of an old folk's home were sitting alone in the lobby one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady,
"I know just what you're wanting.
For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued,
"For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there."
She flushed a bit, but still said nothing.
"But for $20," he finally said,
"I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
She still didn't say anything, so the man kept quiet.
But after a couple minutes she started digging into her purse.
She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up toward the man.
"So," the man says with a grin,
"you want the nice romantic evening in my room!"
"Get serious," she snapped.
"What do I need romance for at my age?
Give me four times in the rocker!"

What's the difference?
What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
The hematologist pricks your finger.

The Bear and the Bee

stolen from Bits and Pieces

Phillips Brewing offers you an Ale