Saturday, December 27, 2008

191
Been having a bit of a "slack attack" the past few days.
Having a break from endless work






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· So, come Fly with me
Over the mountains
Move your cursor the screen Left, right, up, down
and you will have the impression that you are flying over the mountains.
http://www.electricoyster.com/electric3d/index.html
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A few belated Xmas Funnies



Santa is a Plumber





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· It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, Rosita, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechua Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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Aussie Comedians
The Umbilical Brothers....The Finger




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It’s little known that William Shakespeare, as well as writing,
also enjoyed a good game of rugby in his spare time.
So, the team is assembled for practice one Saturday afternoon.
It’s the middle of winter, and even for England, it’s cold and it’s wet.
The pitch is a muddy swamp,
and the players decide that they simply can’t play in these conditions.
So they go to the club-house for a bit, but they very quickly get bored.
And then one of the players has a bright idea:
Why don’t we all go over to William’s house?
William Shakespeare is doubtful, but they persuade him,
and pretty soon, the whole squad is relaxing in his living room.
Well, they’re rugby players, and true to the stereotype, they all quickly get drunk,
and of course, they come up with the even better idea -
of having their rugby practice in the house (”well, it’s a big house, after all”).
William has also been drinking, so he’s easy to persuade this time,
and after moving some furniture out of the way,
they get down to the serious business of practicing their sport.
Meanwhile, not far away, the King has just had a great idea for a play,
and dispatches a messenger to summon his favorite playwright.
Well, the messenger arrives at the house,
and he can hear this enormous commotion from inside,
with shouting and crashes,
and he thinks that William Shakespeare must be getting attacked.
He braces himself, and crashes through the front door…
and lands directly in the path of two groups of large hairy rugby players.
The messenger is pinned to the floor for a while, and he can’t move.
He does manage to free himself momentarily,
before getting trapped again, up against a wall.
Finally, he escapes, and returns to the palace as quickly as his mangled body will allow.
The king takes one look at him, and gasps.
“What happened to you?” he asks.
“I think,” said the messenger,
“that I got caught between a ruck and a bard’s place.”
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A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II,
who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began,
was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn,
in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.
"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again.
When I was a young man, although there should have
been plenty of food and drink to go around,
Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony and feasts for all his noble friends,
leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food in the gutters
of Moscow and St Petersburg."
He shook his head and sighed.
"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"




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Short Memory Test
Have a go at this
Try and get past Level three
Buggered if I can
Maybe next week when my brain is active again
http://neutralx0.net/home/mini04.html
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Cartoons.....Dogs






I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal dogfood at the supermarket
and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??

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Did you hear that scientists have found female hormones in beer?
It's true - after 6 pints you talk a load of crap and can't drive.

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LIFE AFTER DEATH AND MORE
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT,
FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.
WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME,
THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.
THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "
THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED,
"YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED,
"WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER.
THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS!:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED
AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY,
"DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED,
"NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,
"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,"
THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE.
"NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS.
"WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS
IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING :
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY.
WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN.
WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT
FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL..
HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID,
"I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
NEW TEACHER:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid,
Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
COLD CREAM:
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie.
"Giving up?"
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID,
"AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?
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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.





2 comments:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I'm so stealing the Blagojevich one. Bwahahahahaha. Ain't it the truth.

Have a great weekend. :)

Anonymous said...

shane and david from noggin's the upside down show(a preschool on tv show)----we love them- good to know that they have something the adults can relate to