142

G'day G'day....Slim Dusty

Umbrella advert from Africa

Ponderisms
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail
.3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all..
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this . No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

Quick Wedding

It is the time of Glasnost and the Soviet state is showing a kinder, gentler face.

But, still there are shortages.

An old man and his wife are waiting patiently in line to get into a store

to buy a half kilo of meat when the store manager comes out and tells the line

"we are out of meat--go home."
The old man goes ballistic and starts screaming to anyone who will listen: "

"Is this what we have suffered for?

Is this the communist dream?

I fought valiantly and hard in the war for the Motherland,

expecting that we would be building a socialist state.

I didn't complain.

After the war we had shortages, but I worked hard, expecting improvements.

And now, after 50 years, we can't supply meat to the citizens!

The Soviet Union is an utter failure!"
A big plain clothes policeman comes up to him, pulls him away from the others,

and cautions him to calm down.
"You say there are no improvements in our society" he whispers to the old man.

"But we have evolved.

Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like this under Stalin."

And he make his hand into a gun and pretends to shoot the old man.
The old man walks back to his wife who asks what the policeman had told him.
"It is worse than we feared.

The government is out of bullets."

-----------------------------------------------------

From "Its Knutz'
----------------------------------------------------

Calvin

More from Slim Dusty..Todays featured Artist[s]
We've done us proud

Waltzing Matilda

--------------------------------

Thousands of rabbits start streaming across the border from the Soviet Union to Rumania.

The Rumanian border guards are flabbergasted.

Finally, one picks up a rabbit by its ears and asks:

What's going on here?

The rabbit says: The KGB started to persecute camels.

Border guard: You are not a camel.

Rabbit: Well, YOU explain that to the KGB

----------------------------------------------------------

Jesus escapes boat crash

Thanks Geoff Collins

------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishmen, a Frenchman and a Russian are drinking together in a pub.

The Englishman says "You know what my idea of paradise is?

Sitting in my armchair after a hard day's work, and my wife

brings me my whiskey, pipe and slippers."

The Frenchmen says "You English are so cold!

Paradise is making love with the world's most beautiful woman for the whole night."

The Russian says "You're both wrong!

True paradise is when the KGB bang at your door at 3 in the morning,

you open it, and they say 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you're under arrest'

and you can say 'Sorry, but Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'."

---------------------------------------------------------------



World submarine racing championships 2008

Well, what did you expect to see
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for you

thanks Gordon Hamilton

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nate lived in the desert.

He guarded a very special lever.

If the lever were pulled, it would destroy the world.

Nate took his job seriously; he didn’t let anything close to the lever.

One day, he saw a cloud of dust coming down the side of a nearby mountain.

The dust came closer and closer.

Nate realized it was a huge boulder that was going to hit the lever.

He had to try to deflect it.

He succeeded;

however, he was killed by the boulder.

But it was ...
... better Nate than lever!

More Punny store fronts

A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed,

and actually confers some surprising health benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments

ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.
Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover

from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia,

and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate,

and colon cancer.

And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,

cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier,

more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman

for the study group.

"Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

----------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.

OPEC nations buy our grain at $7.00 a bushel.

Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.

Can't buy it?

Tough shit

Eat your oil!

Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel's ass!!!
wisdom from Jammo

141

Kawasaki Advert...funny

Changing Tyres

---------------------------------------------------------

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Carolina

when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?', he asked.

'Yep,'came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?', asked the tourist.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother here?

No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the city slicker,'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.

'This is the outhouse!'

----------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

A Small White Dot
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting

and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found,

the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class,

and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period,' he replied

.'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'

Darned if I know,' he said,

'but this morning my sister was missing one,

my mom fainted,

my dad had a heart attack,

and the boy next door joined the Navy.'

stolen from Shelleys Snippets
-----------------------------------------------------------------



Bear Back Riding

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

You swing left and the ball goes right.

The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

-------------------------------------------------------------


Cool Transport

Violin bike

Lawn mower bike

The Flying squad

Pig bike

Jet bike

Limo bike

Featured Music Artist[s]

Johnny Cash

From "The Johnny Cash Show," May 13, 1970.

The second-season finale of his TV show,

Johnny brings his mom on stage to accompany him on the first song he ever sang in public,

as she did when he was 12 years old.



This land is your land

Johnny Cash and Burl Ives

World's fastest police car.....Lamboghini

Top Ten Russian Jokes

From "The Times online"
1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.

The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”

The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.

There is a menacing banging on the door.

‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.

‘Death ‘comes the reply.

‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’

3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.

All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.

4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris.

He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace,

but remains as stony-faced as ever.

He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.

Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower,

where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment.

He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment:

"But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"

(first heard by me in the Brezhnev era)

6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers,

so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.

After a while he wanders into a cinema.

When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays

and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.

Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.

A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear:

"Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do,

but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia.

After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.

"Three years!" he asks

"What month?"

"August"

"August? What day in August?" He asks

"The Second of August" is the reply

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers?

Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!

9) Moscow in the 1970s.

Deepest winter.

A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.
Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event:

wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards,

they form an orderly queue.
At 3 am the butcher comes out and says,

"Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee:

it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone,

so the Jews in the queue should go home."
The Jews obediently leave the queue.

The rest continue to wait.
At 7 am, the butcher comes out again:

"Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee.

It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."
The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while:

"Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

10) A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"

The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel.

You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will

be able to speak to Abraham and Moses.

Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies

."But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.

And the old man replies,

"Russian, I already know."




Boneless chicken

140

Welcome Back

-------------------------------------------


OLD TIMERS BAR
One afternoon four retired American golfers are walking down a street in
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina when they see a sign that says,
"OLD TIMERS BAR .......ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS".
They look at each other, then go in.
As they enter, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says,
"That will be 10 cents each please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, drink their martinis, and order another round.
Again four excellent martinis are served with the bartender again saying, ....
"That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece ?"
The bartender says,
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I won $25 million in the New York Lottery,
and decided to move down here and open this place.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer all the same price."
"Wow! that's quite a story" says one of the guys.
The four of them sipped at their martinis
but couldn't help notice four other guys at the end of the bar who
didn't have a drink in front of them,
and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they they were there.
One man gestures at the four at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them ?"
The bartender replies,
"Oh, they're four Scotsmen. They're waiting for happy hour."
------------------------------------------
A couple of funny beers videos



--------------------------------------------

Cool way to play chess

Your move Amigo

The above two images were seen on 'Its Knutz"
----------------------------------------------------------

ORDER IN THE COURT
Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I'm 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened toyou on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my frontporch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on theporch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" .

..And that's when I shot the little bastard!

------------------------------------------------------

Here is a link to very addictive game called Catch Thirty Three

The idea is to click on all the numbers 1-33 in sequence as quick as you can

The best Icould do was 53 seconds [pretty slow]

Good game for concentration and co-ordination skills

http://www.abunawaf.com/mm-776.html

---------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

THE "BRICKYARD" TRIBE

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said,

"Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health. I could find no problems.

However, I did notice one small anomaly."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That's amazing" said the doctor.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine."
She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what's the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........

"We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

----------------------------------



More Punny business

Today's Featured Music Artist[s]

Waylon Jennings and Jessi Colter
Waylon and Jessi..........Honky Tonk Angels

Waylon ..1971

Me and Bobby McGee



Early Jessi Colter

I'm not Lisa

Go the Og team

Stolen from Florida 5708

--------------------------------------------------

A CANADIAN IN AUSTRALIA
This guy from Canada took a holiday to Australia.

While touring the outback on a hot day, he stopped in a pub for a drink.

He was wearing a fur coat, heavy gloves and a wool toque.

Four Aussies sitting nearby couldn't help staring.

One guy finally got up enough nerve to walk over to the man and asked,

"Where ya from, mate?"

The Canadian turned to the Aussie and said, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The Aussie returned to his seat.

One of his buddies asked,

"Well, where's he from?"

The guy replied,

"Ah, the poor bloke don't speak English."

------------------------------------------------------



Smelly swimmer

139




Relax and Enjoy
ABBA......I have a dream
[love the bit at the end when they sing with the kids]




Banned Mercedes advert

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

--------------------------------------------------------------

Meet the Bear Family



A couple had not been married for long,
when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends
to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home
to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she had been up to and
why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I’m just here to make them some sandwiches."
----------------------------------------------------------

Bogged [not going nowhere]

Banned Bridgestone advert





Often wondered what happened to Skippy the bush Kangaroo

Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East,

and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said,

"Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit,

and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit,

bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,

"It worked. I feel terrific!

What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

-------------------------------------------



Karate School

Cartoons

More ABBA

[for all those prima donnas, divas and wannabees out there

This is how to sing..Take notes

ABBA....Chiquitita [in Spanish]




A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the light, yanked the blanket back

and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it!

This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the SS Commodore I bought for you.

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for your Melbourne Storm season tickets.

He paid for our house at Portsea.

He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly mortgage!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said,

"What would you do, if you were me?"

The cabbie replied,

"I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------




Cute and Funny

Coke versus Pepsi

Creative fancy dress party

One year at Halloween the governor was giving a costume party.

All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman

would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane"

and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants

but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.

Having ascertained that the man was indeed

an invited guest from the local university CS department

The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock,

"I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor.

"Just say I came in my pants"

-------------------------------------------

138

This will get your feet tapping

Freedom come Freedom go...The Fortunes

-------------------------------------------------

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime.

After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said,

"I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied,

"Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog.

But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog,

"Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog,

"Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband

who was expecting a big guard dog.

But then she told her husband that it knew karate,

and he said

"Karate my ass!"

----------------------------------------------

Cartoons...Animals

Little Sally….
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

‘Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!’
Before the mother could raise a concern,

Sally went on to say,

‘It reminded me of a peanut.’
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked,

‘Really small, was it?’
Sally replied, ‘No… salty!’
Mom fainted

------------------------------------------


Thanks..Tom Hanks

Great song from 1968

Barry Ryan...Eloise

-------------------------------------------------

Save the Polar Bear

The harbor master was quite distressed when all his tugboats brokedown at the same time. Luckily there were several powerful robotic research submersibles available

that proved to be perfect for shuttling the freighters into their berths at the pier.

These replacement craft worked very well in place of the tug boats

but because they operated only underwater

he couldn’t get the subs t’toot.

More Punny Store fronts

A man married a woman who had an identical twin,

but less than a year later he was in court, filing for a divorce.

The judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, Your Honor," the man said,

"every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit,

and because she and my wife look so similar,

I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"You'd better believe there's a difference," the man said.

"That's why I want a divorce."

----------------------------------------------------------


How to save toilet paper

I remember buying an album by Lucille Starr many years ago

This song give's me goosebumps every time I listen to it

There's just something about it

Lucille Starr...The French Song


---------------------------------------

137

Every time I see or listen to The Seekers it makes me proud to be an Aussie

From their farewell tour

Judith Durham and the Seekers...Time and Again

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jammo who has lived in Australia long enough to be an Aussie, but still claims New Zealand heritage, sent me this Kiwi version of a great joke

Cheers David

Durind a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to
visit the ocean for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car,
when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby
jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the
jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up along-side with two men

wearing All Black jerseys.

Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side.

Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding

and semi-conscious Aussie from the water.

Then, using long clubs,Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach,

'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them.

'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and
Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is
not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?' '

That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied.

'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom,

but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing...

Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons.....[Misc]

Another song from the Seekers [1968]

Colours of my life



Have been a fan of Gordon Lightfoot for many a year and think this is one of his best

Gordon Lightfoot....Early morning rain

Burial at Sea
Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle,

who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life,

to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag

and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said,

'Nope, not yet Chrisy'.
So... they row a little farther.

Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?'
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,

'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So... on they row and row and row,

and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried

when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

''Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

-------------------------------------------------------


Is this upside down?????

Clam digger

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.

For twenty years he never sees another human being.

Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off,

washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years,

digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.

She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"

He says, "Love? What's that?"

She says, "I'll show you."

She shows him.

Then she shows him again.

Then she shows him one more time.

When they're finally done, she says,

"Well, how do you like love?"

He says, "It's great.

But look what you did to my clam digger."

-------------------------------------------------------



It will probably be full of hot air, just like the one I've already got

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl w as your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a week

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on

.Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3 Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Thanks to Don Henry

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny Video

Remind me not to visit this Museum

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

WHY YOU ASK?

Well,

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST




Billboards

Condom Ad

136

Tomorrow is

So here is ELO to put your week off to a good start
Hold on Tight [to your dreams]



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My good mate Jammo sent me this joke
Iknow its not politically correct, but is still funny
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says,
"The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.
What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies.
If you're willing to take one with you out on the course
and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said,
"No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball,
and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,
"I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said,
"No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction,
he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there.
His entire game was the best game he ever played,
thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem.
However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS?
Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal,
and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied,
"We did.
Then four of 'em didn't show up for work,
two filed for welfare,
one of them robbed the pro shop,
and the other is running for President."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scared Silly



Cartoons....[Misc]

Doctors Never Laugh”… the Doctor replied

“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional. In over twentyyears

I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,”Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest ‘whoo-ha’ the doctor had ever seen.

Itcouldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAAbattery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,

then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry,” said the doctor.

“I really am.I don’t know what came over me.

On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again.

Now,what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gotcha!!!!!

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner,

had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there

in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend

“What did you do?”

“I opened a can of peas instead.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Most of you who know me, know I love Bears

Enjoy

The Beach Boys.......Kokomo

CARPOOLING
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city

and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels,

bridges and traffic jams.

Thinking it would make the trip more bearable,

he invited several coworkers to share the ride.

However, the commute actually got more stressful,

especially the trips through the tunnels.

He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained,

"I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night,

and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week.

But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car,

I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy.

You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

stolen fromMiss Cellania
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Punny Store fronts

seen onMiss Cellania

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
“Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either

have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
“JESUS SAVES.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled…

“Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed

the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest,

he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Creative Advertising

Don't be stupid ...Protect yourself

The Kinks....Lola



What can be done with Photo shopping

These three men went in business together and the first one said:

“I put up sixty- five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.”

“I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second,”

so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer.”

“Well I put up five percent,” pointed the third partner.

“What’s that make me?”

The chairman said,

“I’m appointing you vice president of sex and music.”

“That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?”

"It means that when I want your f#####g advice, I’ll whistle.”

135

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jesus Christ Superstar.....The Musical

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My bathroom scales were trying to tell me something

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two main secrets of life
Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years

ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose

ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa.

I justa canna taka dis nomor."

The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi.

"Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top??

What have you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says: "Well your honor, itsa true.

I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.

Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy.

My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say.

My poppa one day he says,

"Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:

Number one, you always keepa your nose clean.

Ana number two, never screw up!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is some early footage of Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Buddy Holly and Carl Perkins

that I came accross on You Tube

Today's Cartoons...[Misc]

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm,

a young guide led them through a process of cheese making,

explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered,

“They send us on bus tours.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Western Australia's own Rolf Harris [the boy from Bassendean] and of

"Tie my Kangaroo down sport" fame with his version of

Stairway to Heaven

A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes.

One boy answered “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby

and every day my mother kneels in front of it.”

The next little boy said “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs

and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.”

Then a third boy piped up:

“In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it.

Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams

“OH MY GOD!!!”

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings

and get stoned with his cronies.

But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her,

so she told him to stay out as late as he wished,

just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early,

as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches,

and was infuriated at his early return home.
“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him.
“Oh, relax,” says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies,

and I’ll be gone.”
“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone,

and he sat there alone.

She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had,

but he said, “wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.”
“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies,

and they carried on.

One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house,

and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool,

and all I said was,

who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?


Snorting Coke!!!

Two great pictures I seen on Its Knutz

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Raisin bread
A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear

very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk,

and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread,

he had a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely.

The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,

which was located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view,

just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves,

as he was having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread,

one of the other male customers noticed what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread,

so he could continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread,

just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips, she became tired and irritated

and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed,

glaring at the men standing below.

She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.

Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man,

"Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaked the old man,

"But it's startin' to quiver."



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Music

A real trip down the nostalgia track today

Way back in 1958 when Iwas just a very young bloke these were big hits

The only way you heard them was on the hit parade on the radio

or you knew some one who had a early record player and had the 45rpm recording
Laurie London....He's got the whole world in his hands



Laurie London, born in 1944 in London England,

had just turned 13 when he recorded "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands".

In April, 1958 his pop treatment of this gospel standard became the No. 1 record

in the nation and stayed at #1 for 4 weeks.

Surprisingly, he never had another chart hit.

Very rarely did an artist have a No. 1 hit,

yet be unable to even make the Top 100 with any of their follow-ups.

The song was produced by George Martin who,

of course, later went on to produce The Beatles' recordings,

which were also on Parlophone Records.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1958 clip of the best harmonising duo ..ever

The Everly Brothers...Bird Dog and Till I kissed her

134

Get up off your comfortable chair and Dance the night away with

Raul Malo and the Mavericks

at Royal Albert hall

Now for a bit of laughter

36 Hour Viagra

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Todays Cartoons

A Scouser found himself in London and decided to approach a prostitute down in Soho

He asked her, “How much do you charge for an hour?”

“100 pound,” she replied.

“Do you do Scouse style?” he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said,

“I’ll pay you 150 quid to do it Scouse style.”

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer.

“I’ll give you 200 quid to go Scouse style with me! What do you say?”

Finally, she agrees, thinking,

“Well I’ve been in the game for over ten years now. I’ve been there and done that,

and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world.

How kinky could Scouse style be?”

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said,

“That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.

Where does the ‘Scouse style’ come in?”

The Scouser popped a can of lager and replied,

“I’ll pay you next Thursday when I get my dole money.”

The new International Symbol for Gasoline

Thanks Gordon Hamilton



What can I say

A man walks into a bar and asks for two shots --

one for him and another for his little buddy.
Bartender says, "Sure. Do you want them both now,

or do you want me to wait 'til your buddy gets here first?"
The guy says, "Oh I want them both now --

I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here -- it's my little Willie!"
The bartender figures he's been had by a pervert

and is about to throw the man out when he pulls out a 6-inch-tall man and puts him on the table.
The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"
"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."
Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.
"That's amazing! Can he walk?"
The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Willie, go get the coin, OK?" and Willie runs off after it.
"Unreal," the bartender says, having never seen anything like this in his life.

"Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"
"Well of course he can!" the man says.

"Hey Willie -- tell the bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a 'dickhead'...."

Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt

to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing

severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition.

Luella has been charged with one count of mis de wiener.

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Fosters stubbies

and sticks it into the trolley

."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...

"SO DOES 12 CANS OF FOSTERS AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!"

It doesn't leave much room for a blown tire, or an emergency landing,

much less getting emergency vehicles out to help the situation
Amazing new airport runway...

Now, here's something you don't see every day!

New airport runway on the Portuguese island of Madeira
The airport's runway has a length of 2781 meters, (9000 ft)

of which 1000 (3000) are supported by 180 pillars,

each pillar 50 meters in length (about 17 floors).

The runway is designed to accommodate 747s.

Note the cars parked below the runway.

It's a bit like landing on an aircraft carrier.

The 2nd picture best shows how high it is --

and let's not even think about running off that runway!

Thanks to my son Phil who sent these to me


Music

Britains Got Talent

Signature ....doing Michael Jackson

[This is very good..loved it]

My wife's favourite song

Oak Ridge Boys........Elvira