thanks Jayne M
thanks Kitty L
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting,
they would someday end up destroying the whole world.
So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two,
like David and Goliath.
This “duel” would be a dog fight.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter,
fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage.
Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived,
the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal,
a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis..
No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood
any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.
All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog,
the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.
There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers,
bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief.
“We do not understand,” said their leader,
“Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest,
biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves,
and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”
The Israelis replied.
“Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons
from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
Patrick McMahon and Michael O’Shea bumped into each other on St. Stephen Green
on the streets of Dublin, Ireland.
Said O’Shea to McMahon,
“Have ye seen ol’ Fogarty lately, Pat?”
Pat replied, “Well, I have, and then again I haven’t.”
O’Shea then asked, “Well, tell me now, McMahon, and what d’ye mean by that,
ye have and then again ye haven‘t?”
“Well, Mick,” replied Patrick McMahon.
“It’s like this. Ye see…I saw a chap who at first I thought was Fogarty.
Then he saw a chap that he thought was me.”
“But, when we got up ta one another…
it wasn’t neither of us.”
Those Funny Animals
Ole and Sven
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls
by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge
. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used,
this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,
thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic,
his competitors complained that they were only...
Cheap Sioux Veneers.
The Definition of DUI
Now here's a hard core drinker and one tough Dodge truck.
The driver hit and sheared off the light post,
and then kept driving about two miles to a bar,
where he stopped for more beer!
How impaired do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a street light?
(I wonder if the light was green?)
The truck was towed about 2.5 miles to the towing yard,
with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks
and the bumper bent around it.
It took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.
Now, thats what I call drunk driving
thanks Liz Z
This will sober you up
Workers build a footpath around the vertiginous slopes of Shifou Mountain
Thousands of metres up the vertiginous slopes of Shifou Mountain in Hunan Province, China,
a team of workers, operating with hardly any safety measures, are building a footpath
The workers are building a plank road on the side of the mountain that,
once it is finished, will stretch for 3km (9843 ft)
and be China's longest sightseeing footpath
48-year-old Yu Ji (above) is one of the workers
and he has been working on high cliffs building such plank roads
for more than 10 years.
He comments: "Young people don't want this job,
as it requires them to stay deep in the mountains for months or even years"
Yu Ji takes charge of the most dangerous part of the project -
drilling the holes to set up pipes to support the footpath
Building a plank road on Shifou Mountain is difficult because the
cliff stands vertical at 90 degrees, without any slope or alcoves
A finished section of the footpath
thanks Liz and Alan
A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty.
The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife
were furiously making love upstairs when,
suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband said, jokingly, "Oh God! NO!
That must be your husband coming home."
The wife replies (without thinking),
"No, don't worry.
He's off in the Navy for six whole months."
thanks Diane M
Crossing the street in Vietnam
They are everywhere
The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
thanks Jayne M
As requested [for Robert]
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at firstname.lastname@example.org.