181

No wonder, I can't get a cold beer around here

Some bugger keeps leaving the bloody fridge door open!!!

A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband

crashing through the front door at 3 am woke her up.

He staggered and tried to get up the stairs.

"What are you doing" she shouted.

The husband replies

"I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs."

"Leave it down there" she bellowed.

"I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it

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Bad Hangover

stolen from Miss Cellania

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I am sending you all this picture

Someone sent me a virus

A very severe virus

Look what it did to my mouse

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The Window.....................
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast,

the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said.

"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.

Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,

the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line

and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.

I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said,

"I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

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When carpooling is a good idea

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To My Bank
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment,

I was wondering if you could advise me.

When one of my checks was returned marked

“insufficient funds,”

how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Sincerely,

Phil

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This is what happens when you meet a kangaroo unexpectedly

The cop car was very lucky here, as the roo landed on the window

There are no signs of damage to the bonnet.

My guess is they hit him in full flight

Could have been a lot worse!!

Thanks Jammo

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Welcome sign for Aliens

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save the antelope

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Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."

"Yes I know, but you promised I could do it."

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Cartoons ....Computers

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A tourist from France goes on his first overseas trip.

Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write,

'Twice a week' into thesmall space labeled, 'SEX'.

The official explains,

"No, no, no. That is not whatwe mean by this question.

We want to know either 'Male'or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers
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Paul Hunt ...Gymanist at the 1988 Olympics

Thanks Josie
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Don't go swimming in the Amazon...Mate

World record size piranha caught

Thanks Steve Baker
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If hippies ruled!!!!!

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Born to be Blind

Born to be wild

Thanks Brett McGlinn

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While trying to escape through Pakistan,

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!

Don't you know who I am?

I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish

or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment,

then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,

"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.

So just do it and be off with you."

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed

with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone,

his knees were broken

, and he had no health insurance.

God is good

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

180



Music
November 12th was Neil Young's birthday
Neil Young...Long may you run


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Is this a sign of the times??




Or maybe this






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OLDER WOMEN
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her
or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it,
they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free",
here's an update for you:
Now 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig,
just to get a little sausage.
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Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
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Cartoons

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Wrong message

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost.

This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered,

"What you need, pal, is faith.

Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared.

Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand,

he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.

She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.

Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it,

used her ass as a table.

The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.
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For the Greenie's

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Bud Light Commercial

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This bloke goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, Canadian beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly Canadian beers..

you should try drinking American beer.

That makes things grow.

"Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink American beer??" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man,

"but I've got the wife on Canadian beer!"
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A mime had a show to put on in front of a large audience.

Unfortunately, he developed a bad cough the day before his show.

This simply wouldn't do for the mime.

So, he went to the local health food store and asked for something for his cough.

The clerk suggested that he make thyme tea and put a cinnamon stick in it.

Surprisingly, the concoction worked.

Hence the expression,
"a stick in thyme saves mime."

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The Warden’s New Kitchen
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person.

So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later,

Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.

And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.

Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,

though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
“But you’re an expert, Andy, and I really need your help,” said the warden.
“Gosh, warden, I’d really like to help you,

but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”
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Would you land uphill or downhill????

Retirees: The Whole Truth & Nothing But

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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A young Glesgow female walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back the morra tae pick up ma dress

."Come again?" the man behind the counter said, cupping his ear

."Naw" she replies.

"it's mayonnaise."

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

179

A journalist in Putin’s modern Russia walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse,

"I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him.

"Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies.

"We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat,

but no eye-ear doctor."

He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:

"Sir, there is no eye-ear doctor,

but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

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Bike Accident

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This building used to be white

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Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.

They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

When the two friends got off the plane -

still dressed for Canadian winter weather -

they wandered into a pub and sat down.

The locals wondered about these strangers,

so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said,

"G'day, mates. Where're you from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied."

Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie.

"They don'tspeak English."

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I have seen plenty of Zebra crossing's, but this the first elephant crossing

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Have You Heard?

You must've heard by now

If you haven't

Then click on this link
Hey, Have You Heard?
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Some Bear pictures for you

Bear wee wee

Follow that cab

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Cartoons

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Things You Would Love to Say

- But Don't Dare

What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!

And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL “AM I GAY?” SELF EXAMINATION

1. If you are over thirty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys

and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,

and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo.

A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,

has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.

And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here!

Now think about how you call a cat… “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!”

Jezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured,

you are a Gaylord.

A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters,

crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or boobs.

Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to make use of a public bathroom or take a leak in a parking lot,

you crave a deep homosexual relationship.

A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. .

If you drink anything other than regular coffee,

you pro- bably like a high hard one in the pooper chuter.

A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Soy Latte”.

If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips,

you’ve had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes.

A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap.

If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay.

And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it,

you are dying to tune a meat whistle.

A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver

or to cut the ass- hole off.

The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station,

eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad’s boobs.

Thanks Chris b

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"I'm all for gay adoption, gay men would make brilliant dads.

They know where all the best parks are".
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A couple has returned from their honeymoon

and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night,

as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.

"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough -

she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said,

"I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!''
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Music

Norma Tanega

Walking my Cat named Dog

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.