Phils Phun

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

226

Haven't posted for a few days , as have been in and out of the city .

stolen from Bits and Pieces

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I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day when a tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided
that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and
there appeared to be few Republican.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!" I shouted..
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road,
I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me,
the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied.
"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

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Cartoons.......Doctor's

Doctor Joke
Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,

"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,

"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,

a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,

1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Nigel asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

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Lawyers

My Daddy Is A Lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

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Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been
done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration

.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide
to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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There was big explosion at a pie factory

,3.14759265 dead

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Funny Signs

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SOME CLASSIC ONE-LINERS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"

.8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

“Is it common?”

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start!"

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.

'18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin,

or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other

"Your round.” The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, 'Parking Fine.' So, that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies

so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

225

April 25th [next Saturday]' is ANZAC Day in Australia and New Zealand
Andre Rieu and Melissa Venema----------Il Silenzio
The 'last post' is universal among almost all the armed forces of the world.
In this video the trumpet is played in its entirety,
and it is a sad and beautiful thing to hear.. Enjoy

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Is this your dog??

Maybe you should hang this in his kennel

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid
.4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam.
Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door
.8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean
.With best wishes,The Dog

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Mc Dive

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Explaining the Flag
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American."Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
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Taxes Remitted
There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly
only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3,407USD.
[Somewhat less than £2,000]
He packaged up his payment and included this letter
:Dear IRS,Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment.
Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
Screws $22
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund',
as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw' .
(See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.
I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled of Oklahoma.

stolen from Hale @ It occurred to me

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New Golf Lingo.....
Some new lingo to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed
An 'OJ.'- got away with one
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole

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Bee sting
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’
‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.
‘Where’, he asked.
‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
‘Then your stance is too wide.’

stolen from Jonco @ Bits and Pieces

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One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.

He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:

"What`s the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:

"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can`t get out of here with an 8-iron."

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Cartoons......Bears

Love this one.

This way to the Teddy Bears picnic

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Who said Women can't park???

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She's flooded Mate!!!!

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Polish

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.

A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.

An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you.

The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War

against the other two.

See, you need to do something world-famous."

A German added, "Yes, he's right.

Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,

build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.

They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it.

They then went back to report it to the group.

The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw:

it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation.

There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert.

Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."

The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.

One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to

dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"

To which a Polish man replied,

"Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it

because there were all these Italians fishing off it."

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Global warming

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour thy Father and thy Mother', she asked,

'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy

(the oldest of a family) answered,

'Thou shalt not kill.'

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are

understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Monday, April 13, 2009

224

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Just wanted to let you know that the New Homeland Security Bill has passed.
Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know
it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'non intrusive method.'
TheFBI says you will hardly notice anything different.
For a demonstration,
click on the link below:
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

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This guy wanted a parrot who talked.
He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking.
The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window.
"This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases
that would fit most occasions.
"The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain.
The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual.
Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing
with while here and put it in his cage.
That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up."
The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up.
"Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager.
"Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick."
The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made,
and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain
that the bird STILL hadn't said one word.
This time the shop owner scratched his head and said,
"You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk,
so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop.
This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely.
The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that.
Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed.
Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot.
The parrot was dead."What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?"
asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said,
'Don't they sell any bloody birdseed at that pet store?'"

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Just love the look on his face!!

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The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked,'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head?
''Yep', he replied.
'That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
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A Star is Born
This morning I was reading Jonco's blog Bits and Pieces and he had posted a video from Britain's Got Talent.
It was an inceredible video of 47 year old Susan Boyle on the show
Not much more than 12 hours later embedding this video from You Tube was denied
However, here is the link for it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbitsandpieces%2Eus%2F&feature=player_embedded
Do your self a favour and watch it. Its brillant

His first jump

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·I called the Italian Embassy today to offer my wife's assistance after the earthquake.
She's great at finding faults.
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Cartoons.......Animals

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Which way is this window facing??

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The flu season is about to come

To avoid it
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system..
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it..

.When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS

.So.......
I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,

Flu germs Can't get you!
As Grandmother always said,'