Sunday, October 12, 2008

170


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A young Priest in Whyalla, South Australia, was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be buried there.
The Priest was not familiar with the bush and soon became lost.
Being a typical man, he did not stop to ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late.
The Priest saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch.
The priest apologized to the workers for his tardiness,
and stepped to the side of the open grave.
There he saw the vault lid already in place.
The priest assured the workers he would not hold them up for long,
as he told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by,
as the Priest began to pour out his heart and soul.
As he preached about `looking forward to a brighter tomorrow'
and `the glory that is to come,'
the workers began to say
`Amen,' `Praise the Lord,' and `Glory!'
The fervor of these men truly inspired the priest.
So, he preached and preached like he had never preached before,
all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
He finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer,
thanked the men, and walked to his car.
As the priest was opening the car door and taking off his coat,
he heard one of the workers say to another,
`I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before,
and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
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A collection of Funny Commercials
Newspaper delivery in India
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Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person whose Mind Wanders...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just like one
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Todays Cartoons










Music
Escape....Rupert Holmes [the Pina Colada Song]


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Pun intended
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
stolen from Bits and Pieces

Punny cartoons



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Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.
Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber.
Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the locallumber yard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman
."Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro
and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town
."Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman."
Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro,
and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro
and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman,
"Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while
. . . we're gonna build a barn."
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Role reversal..............Counting sheep





Boudreaux and Tibadeaux, cajun friends them,
went in together and bought a huntin' dog.
Several weeks after the purchase,
the dog came down sick and stopped pointin' like she was supposed to.
They put her in their pickup and took her to the Vet,
who told them the dog was severely dehydrated,
which was causing the dog to not hunt properly.
While driving back from the Vet's office along the levee Boudreaux remarked,
"If all our dog needs is water, we can get lots of water for her right here in the bayou, us."
To this Tibadeaux replied,
"How we gonna get her to drink enough water from the bayou?"
Boudreaux says, "Well, I'll hold her head under the water,
and you go 'round and suck on her hind end like a big soda straw.
That will fill her up with all the water she needs, her."
They take their sick dog down to water's edge
and position themselves as Boudreaux suggested
and start the rescue procedure.
After a short while, the dog gets a severe stomach pain
and craps directly into Tibadeaux's mouth.
Tibadeaux comes up from the water, spittin', coughin' and yellin',
"Boudreaux! Pick up her head!
She's suckin' mud, "
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stolen from Bits and Pieces



3 comments:

Jack K. said...

Many religions do have strange practices. snerx.

Phils Phun said...

Thats for sure , Jack
There a quite a few strange ones down under!!!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahaha. I love it. You can pinch anything off my site anytime you want. Nice to meet you. Have a great day. :)