Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Here is something to get you all revved up
Crank up your volume and rock around your computer
Roy Orbison and Friends
Uptown..Penthouse no 3
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

I think she wants to take it home!!!
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Just for...Miss Cellania

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
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Cartoons...on my favourite subject [Women]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door,
he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host
."A premature ejaculation," said the man.
"I just came in my pants!"

stolen from Miss Cellania
For all those Elvis Fans
Wooden Heart
Clip from the movie "GI Blues"


Some more cute animal shots

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Aussie Words
These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were aske to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter,
and supply a new and witty definition.
You'll probably need to be an Aussie to understand!
Billabonk [billabong]To make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie [budgie] A partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo [Didgeridoo]A fake indigenous artefact.
Licky [sicky]A day off you get by asking the boss nicely.
Barramondi[Barramundi]The sickie taken after Sunday, for the purpose of fishing.
.Klangaroo [Kangaroo]the sound a roo makes when it hits your bull bar.
Flatypus [platypus] A cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
Carlton drift [draft]The wayward walk home from the pub
Shornbag [hornbag] A sheila with a brazillian wax


A face in the crowd

Charles and Camilla

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Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys wins.
Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins.
Anglicanism: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Objectivism: Toys are Toys.
Islam: You must force the world to play with this exact toy, other toys are forbidden. Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Socialism: You will have toys eventually.
Taoism: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Fascism: We have ways of making you play with your toys.
Libertarianism: You can do anything you like with your toys as long as its consensual.
New Labour: We have firm evidence that masses of toys do exist somewhere.
Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Jehovah's Witnesses: He who places the most toys door to door wins.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins.
Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Buddhism: What is the sound of one toy playing with itself?
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Thanks Denis Mc C
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Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I loved these so much that I stole them. The first part will post on Friday and the second part on Saturday. I've given you credit of course. Have a great day. :)

Gran said...

Shoot! I couldn't get it to work.