Phils Phun: October 2008

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

175

Here is something to get you all revved up

Crank up your volume and rock around your computer

Roy Orbison and Friends

Uptown..Penthouse no 3

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her,

"What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment

the woman's husband spoke up

and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think she wants to take it home!!!

Post a Comment

Just for...Miss Cellania

MORE SOUTHERNISMS

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Post a Comment
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cartoons...on my favourite subject [Women]

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door,

he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host

."A premature ejaculation," said the man.

"I just came in my pants!"

stolen from Miss Cellania
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For all those Elvis Fans

Wooden Heart

Clip from the movie "GI Blues"

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Some more cute animal shots

Post a Comment

Aussie Words
These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were aske to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter,

and supply a new and witty definition.
You'll probably need to be an Aussie to understand!
Billabonk [billabong]To make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie [budgie] A partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo [Didgeridoo]A fake indigenous artefact.

Licky [sicky]A day off you get by asking the boss nicely.
Barramondi[Barramundi]The sickie taken after Sunday, for the purpose of fishing.

.Klangaroo [Kangaroo]the sound a roo makes when it hits your bull bar.
Flatypus [platypus] A cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
Carlton drift [draft]The wayward walk home from the pub

Shornbag [hornbag] A sheila with a brazillian wax

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A face in the crowd

Charles and Camilla

Post a Comment

RELIGIONS AND IDEOLOGIES ON TOYS

Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys wins.

Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price wins.

Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins.

Anglicanism: They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.

Atheism: There is no toy maker.

Objectivism: Toys are Toys.

Islam: You must force the world to play with this exact toy, other toys are forbidden. Polytheism: There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.

Socialism: You will have toys eventually.

Taoism: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Fascism: We have ways of making you play with your toys.

Libertarianism: You can do anything you like with your toys as long as its consensual.

New Labour: We have firm evidence that masses of toys do exist somewhere.

Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second...

Jehovah's Witnesses: He who places the most toys door to door wins.

Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins.

Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Buddhism: What is the sound of one toy playing with itself?
Post a Comment
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Send XXXX

Thanks Denis Mc C
Post a Comment

Sunday, October 26, 2008

174
Daylight Saving started again here in the West today..
Yippee!!!
Already I can hear all the wowsers whingeing.

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Rabbi and Priest buy car
A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.
The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway.
Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday.
So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car
and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....''
and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One Happy Elephant

I think I'm happy

I'm as happy as a pig in.........

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Escape Artist

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

OLD IS WHEN ......

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"

and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cartoons

Post a Comment

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.

Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric,

"I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask.

Now, I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom.

"You just say 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," said Eric.

"That's what I did,

except I said 'Of course I do.'"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Overloaded

Post a Comment

The ultimate Backing Band

Stolen from Miss Cellania

Post a Comment
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday.

The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop.

There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it.

He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle.

As he was leaving the store owner said “Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here.

I live right above the shop and I’ll help you out any time you want.”
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home.

He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn’t see them

when he brought them in.

Next morning is the son’s birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents

and to check on the hamster.

He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage

with it’s legs in the air!

He realises that his son will be distraught as he’s talked about nothing else for weeks!

Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop

and knocked on the owner’s door.

He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding

and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says “What can I do with the old one?

I don’t want to bury it as the cat may dig it up

and I don’t want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin”.
The pet-shop owner replies

“What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water,

bring it to the boil and then add the hamster

and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically.

It makes quite a nice jam.”
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe

and then dashes home with the new hamster.

He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it

and promptly goes off to play with it.

The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner’s recipe

so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar,

then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking.

After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it.

He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite.

And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting!

In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden,

and does his best to forget about the whole thing

.But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn.

He is at a loss to explain it as he’s never had any in his garden before!

Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food

for the hamster, so the man agrees.

Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals,

the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
“So”, he said, “did you try that recipe I gave you?”
“Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window.

Odd thing is, where is landed I’ve got daffodils growing!”
“Daffodils?” asked the store owner,

“Are you sure?

You usually get tulips from hamster-jam”

Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Southern Expressions

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Collin Raye......Love me

Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Piggy Back

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

173

Australian Tails
The story of Jet the Jack Russell dog

Post a Comment

The new libarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books
by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself,
she would have the youngsters sign their own names.
She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract"
for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian.
He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian,
giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and,
with a look of utter disgust on his face,
handed them to the librarian.
Before the librarian could even start her speech,
the boy said, disdainfully,
"That other librarian we had could write
----------------------------------------------------

The Financial Crisis

Post a Comment

3 QUICK ONES:
An elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back ?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think it is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.
In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies
from the lumber yard where he worked.
"How much material did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house,
and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said.
"I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.
Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied.
"But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land,
was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour
to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoots mon," he said,
"in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent,
"but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee
is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,
"it's no wonder he walked!"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Signs from the Zoo

Post a Comment

Dear Hitchiker............

Bachelor Defined

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

Post a Comment ---------------------------------------------

Cartoons

Post a Comment

Play Spot the difference

Icouldn't get past level 2

See if you can do better

This is a tricky game

Sometimes it will go back to the same picture

but with new differences
http://www.novascoop.com/article.php3?id_article=1202

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Zealand Costume party

Iwent as a sheep shagger!!!

picture stolen from It occurred to me

An oldie, but a goldie
LOGIC

A New Zealand joke

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table

in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,

orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets

the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant,

but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er .. mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden

then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume

that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker

Post a Comment
------------------------------------------------------

MUSIC

This one is for Bunk @Tacky Raccoons
The Best of Blue Grass

Roll in my sweet baby's arms

Post a Comment
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?
Because if they all went, it would be hell
----------------------------------------------------------

An exciting game of Cow Volleyball

Helicopter Pimp

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Jammo

Warning!!!! Naughty Joke

There was a cat sat on the bank of the Forth and Clyde Canal at Clydebank

when a small sausage floated past.
The cat pondered whether or not to snatch it and

decided it wasn't worth the hassle.
A couple of minutes later a bigger sausage floated past the cat went for it

nearly falling in the canal but missed.
Then a huge sausage floated past and the cat leaped in and got absolutely soaked.
What's the moral of the story?
"The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy"

Sunday, October 19, 2008

172

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Johnny the Bagger

Will you be a Johnny today??

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Never mind, maybe next year"

Please don't take my teddy!

Me and my Mate

Post a Comment
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Boston.com
Has Incredible Pictures of the World, Animals, the World

and lots more

Check it Out.......
thanks to Big Shot Bob in Texas

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Cure
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc.

After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong

and suspects the man is suffering from depression.

The two had been friends for many years,

so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know," said the patient,

"I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable.

I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch.

In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her,

so I may end my misery."

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal,

it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives.

He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best.

I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee.

You can then 'love her to death'.

No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much.

She'll be gone in a month at best."

The man blessed the doctor,

went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning.

Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend,

and becomes concerned.

After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well.

He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck,

wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.

The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,

and looked terrible.

The doctor asked, "What the heck happened???

"The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter.

That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite."

Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.

Just then the wife appeared from inside the house.

All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling,

she said she was off for a few sets of tennis.

As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor,

"Look at that dumb crazy bitch.

She hasn't a lick of sense.

If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so darned frisky."

stolen from Comedy Plus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Can he do it???

Extreme videos
Extreme videos

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CARTOONS...Seniors

Post a Comment

My Granma is a swinger!!!!

At the Olympics training ground a journalist

walked up to a man who was carrying a long pole.

He said to him ''are you a pole vaulter''

'' no I am German

and how did you know my name was Walter''

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The amazing Australian Lyrebird
You’ll meet an amazing bird in this video.

Some birds sing majestic and beautiful songs.

Some just have ear-splitting squawks.

The Lyrebird’s song is something else entirely.
In this video, David Attenborough tracks down one of these unusual birds.

The Lyrebird can easily mimic other birds’ calls.
More than that, it can mimic nearly any sound it hears.
You’ll be floored by what comes out of his bird’s beak.

At first you won’t believe your ears.

But it’s all real!

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was this man in a mental hospital.

All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,

so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said,

"I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said,

"Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Do tou get Double time for this????

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++
Here is a addictive Game you can try

I got 840

That should be easy to beat

http://games.yahoo.com/free-games/marble-lines

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.

"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite.

That's why they don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused.

"They don't like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes to write."

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse

dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar

where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around

with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar.

After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.

And the guy replies - "I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!"

"OK, OK..." says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you hunt ?".

Immediately the hunter says,

" Do you have any cheap Gin !!?".

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies,

"No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like ? ".

"No" says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him,

"By the way pal... exactly what do you hunt?"

" I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot!

Couldn't you tell that -

I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"

Post a Comment

Music
Some more Ukuele music...Listen carefully, very funny
Ukuele Orchestra of Great Britain.....Shaft

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A FEMINIST VIEW OF MEN

Men are like ... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like .. cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think this is a shotgun weddding...Redneck style

My mate is addicted to brake fluid.But he reckons he can stop at any time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control have all been born

Fish for supper

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

171

Priest Off

---------------------------------------------------

Post a Comment

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window.

The notice said "We sell everything".

Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson,

"Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true

Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".

The salesperson said

"A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.

"Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.

So away he went as happy as larry.

When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done,

so he looked inside the bag.

At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the saleperson

"Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken

and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied,

"Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens,

all we had was a pullover for a cock

----------------------------------------------
Post a Comment

What can I say!!!!

Post a Comment

I thought this might cheer up you stressed up guys with this little joke.

A smug railway porter with a cheeky smile on his face,

''did you Miss the train, sir?

The passenger replied

'' No mate, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the bloody station''

-------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

Post a Comment

Music
This is 5 minutes long, but it is a fantastic 5 minutes

It starts of a little slowly, but it is

Just brillant
Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

-------------------------------------------------------

Post a Comment

Top Ten Reasons for ...

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:

1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.

2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.

3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.

4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.

5. You can go skiing in your knickers.

6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.

7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.

8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.

9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.

10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear.

10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :

1. You ain't English!

2. You ain't English!

3. You ain't English!

4. You ain't English!

5. You ain't English!

6. You ain't English!

7. You ain't English!

8. You ain't English!

9. You ain't English!

10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. Live near the Pope.

9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty.

7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bull's testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Give them a second chance

1. Oktoberfest.

2. Okotberfest-beer.

3. BMW.

4. VW.

5. Audi.

6. Mercedes.

7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.

8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.

9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.

10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potato.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Kingfisher lager.

10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:

1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. Guinness.

2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Pubs never close.

5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in secon Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. Kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.

2. Fosters Lager.

3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.

5. Tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.

10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK

1.You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.

2.The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.

3.You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight. 4.Old women can sport moustaches.

5.Young women can sport moustaches.

6.Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.

7.You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.

8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.

9.Ridiculous bureaucracy.

10.Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos

---------------------------------------------------------------

Post a Comment

Sunday, October 12, 2008

170

______________________________________________________________________________________
A young Priest in Whyalla, South Australia, was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,

and this man would be the first to be buried there.

The Priest was not familiar with the bush and soon became lost.

Being a typical man, he did not stop to ask for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late.

The Priest saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The digging crew was eating lunch.

The priest apologized to the workers for his tardiness,

and stepped to the side of the open grave.

There he saw the vault lid already in place.

The priest assured the workers he would not hold them up for long,

as he told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by,

as the Priest began to pour out his heart and soul.

As he preached about `looking forward to a brighter tomorrow'

and `the glory that is to come,'

the workers began to say

`Amen,' `Praise the Lord,' and `Glory!'

The fervor of these men truly inspired the priest.

So, he preached and preached like he had never preached before,

all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

He finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer,

thanked the men, and walked to his car.

As the priest was opening the car door and taking off his coat,

he heard one of the workers say to another,

`I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before,

and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

Post a Comment

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A collection of Funny Commercials

Newspaper delivery in India

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Post a Comment

Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person whose Mind Wanders...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just like one

Post a Comment

----------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------
Post a Comment

Todays Cartoons

Post a Comment

Music

Escape....Rupert Holmes [the Pina Colada Song]

Post a Comment

Pun intended
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
stolen from Bits and Pieces

Punny cartoons

Post a Comment

------------------------------------------------------

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.

Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber.

Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the locallumber yard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's"

Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman

."Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro

and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town

."Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's"

Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman."

Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro,

and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em"

Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro

and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman,

"Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while

. . . we're gonna build a barn."
------------------------------------------------------------

Role reversal..............Counting sheep

Boudreaux and Tibadeaux, cajun friends them,

went in together and bought a huntin' dog.

Several weeks after the purchase,

the dog came down sick and stopped pointin' like she was supposed to.

They put her in their pickup and took her to the Vet,

who told them the dog was severely dehydrated,

which was causing the dog to not hunt properly.

While driving back from the Vet's office along the levee Boudreaux remarked,

"If all our dog needs is water, we can get lots of water for her right here in the bayou, us."

To this Tibadeaux replied,

"How we gonna get her to drink enough water from the bayou?"

Boudreaux says, "Well, I'll hold her head under the water,

and you go 'round and suck on her hind end like a big soda straw.

That will fill her up with all the water she needs, her."

They take their sick dog down to water's edge

and position themselves as Boudreaux suggested

and start the rescue procedure.

After a short while, the dog gets a severe stomach pain

and craps directly into Tibadeaux's mouth.

Tibadeaux comes up from the water, spittin', coughin' and yellin',

"Boudreaux! Pick up her head!

She's suckin' mud, "

Post a Comment

------------------------------------------

stolen from Bits and Pieces

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

169

Big day out in the Garden of Eden

Post a Comment

stolen from Shelleys Snippets

What is one billion?

According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------------------------------

These are the free seats, for the tickets your mate gave you

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer.
He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,
"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said,
"My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Fourth Marriage
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk,
'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,
'Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time -
for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,
he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.
''What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman,
'and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.'
Post a Comment

stolen from Shelleys Snippets
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons
The wife is away ,so Ican post these

Post a Comment

THE HONDA PERSPECTIVE

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement.

At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda,

"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,

your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,

"I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

He then asked God,

"Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr Honda,

"Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,

and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God,

"Lets have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said,

"Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed,

but according to these numbers, more men ride my invention than yours.."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is one of those songs that didn't do much ,but had a great beat to it

Hey Baby ....DJ Otzi

--------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 5, 2008

168

Jap banks in trouble too

It just gets worse.

Uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector:

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,

while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank has had to cut its staff in half.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop,

and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank

where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!

---------------------------------

Bunk over at Tacky Raccoons posted this great Steve Goodman track

I enjoyed it so much that Iam sharing it with you.

Steve Goodman passed away in 1984 from leaukemia

You never even called me by my name

Post a Comment

-----------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who enjoyed the Leningrad Cowboys,

here is a link to another of their cover versions of popular hits

Delilah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhIMEMDYxZE

Post a Comment

------------------------------------------------------------------

The Law of the Garbage Truck

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car

jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that?

This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,

‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.

They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it

and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

Don’t take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.....

‘Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don‘t.’

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

Booker T and the MG's

Time is Tight [Live]

Some rare footage of the late Al Jackson [the drummer]

Post a Comment

--------------------------------------------------------------

Not too sure, whats happening here

Maybe some one can help???

Post a Comment

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with

four young Mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You have even named your daughter 'Candy'

."He turned to the second Mom, Ann.

"Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, 'Penny'.

"He turned to the third Mom, Joyce.

"Your obsession is with alcohol.

This shows, too, in your child's name, 'Brandy'."

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,

took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

"Come on, Dick. This guy has no idea what he's talking about.

Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Yawning

Uh Oh!

Spin and Skip [thats us]

Happy Raccoon

Post a Comment

-------------------------------------------------
Desert Islands

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,

the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,

the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits

with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other

and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman

and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry

and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

They do not remember if sex is in the picture because

it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey.

However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide,

because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body,

the true nature of feminism,

what the sun is doing to her skin,

how she can do anything they can do,

the necessity of fulfillment,

the equal division of household chores,

how sand and palm trees make her look fat,

how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,

and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems,

and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 111

and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere

so she can get her nails done and go shopping................................

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it is

Thursday, October 2, 2008

167

Leningrad Cowboys and the Red Army Choir
Sweet Home Alabama

The Leningrad Cowboys is a Finnish rock and roll band famous for its humorous songs
and concerts featuring the Soviet Red Army Choir.
Currently, the band has eleven Cowboys and two Leningrad Ladies.
The songs, all somewhat influenced by polka and progressive rock,
and performed in English, have themes such as 'vodka', 'tractors', 'rockets',
and 'Genghis Khan', as well as folkloric Russian songs, rock and roll ballads
and covers from bands as diverse as The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Lynyrd Skynyrd,
all with lots of humour. -----------------------------------
The Red Army Choir (Choir Aleksandrov) is a performing ensemble that served
as the official army choir of the former Soviet Union's Red Army.
The choir consists of a male choir, an orchestra, and a dance ensemble.
The songs they perform range from Russian folk tunes to Church hymns,
operatic arias and popular music.
In 1991, The Red Army Choir participated in Roger Waters' The Wall concert celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall.
They performed an anti-war song "Bring the Boys Back Home".
Since the collapse of the Soviet Union,
the Red Army Choir has continued performing,
entertaining audiences both inside and outside Russia. «
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish joke
Irish they were and drunk for sure, and they sat in the corner
of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar.
Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror,
fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.
Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.
'Mick, Mick,' he whispered.
'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'
'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection.
'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'
'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'
But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said,
'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over
--------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons

It was announced today that the local climate in the UK

should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.

'In order to avoid offending a sizable portion of the population,

it willnow be referred to as 'Muslim weather.'

In other words - 'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.'

Neighbourhood watch

Note where the exhaust pipe is

Not any more

Hitching a ride

Anybody watching???

Some more Irish Jokes ..

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?

And what would I be wanting two empty glasses for" replied O'Flaherty.

------------------------------------------------------------

"Teresa has just had twins" roared Murphy angrily.

Just wait until I get my hands on the other fellow"

---------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Paddy, here's the five dollars that I borrowed last week"

Thanks Mick, I had forgotten all about it."

Then why the bloody hell didn't yer say so?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a power failure in a Dublin department store.

Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy had just become the proud father of twins and

he was asked if they were identical.

"The boy is but the girls not" he said. "

--------------------------------------------------

Hey Shaun, what's Mick's surname?

Shaun "Mick who?

--------------------------------------

The backpacker asked farmer Mick directions to the next township.

"Well go straight to the end of this lane, turn right, go over the bridge and then turn left".

"Oh thanks" said the backpacker.

As an afterthought farmer Mick then added

"But if I was you I wouldn"t start from here"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Duane Eddy
Rebel Rouser

Ghost Riders in the Sky

For Geoff Collins, who I know loves this tune

A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village.

When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded.

He replied 'Not guilty, Mallard"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?

They will be for people who love meat tender.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm.

I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos,

and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child,

he heard a disembodied voice say,

"Your daughter will be born 17 inches long,"

To which Reynoldo replied,

"Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?
-------------------------------------------------------

Burning CD's

In the country lived a family that made its living weaving cloth.

One day, a debt collector knocked on the door.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied.

"Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again.

"Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was

"No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen,

he complained,

"I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly,

"Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided,

the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery.

Sure enough, he found poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

----------------------------------------------------------------

SAME THING

A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York.

He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops,

the signs and banners on all the buildings.

He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says,

"Hans Olafsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks.

"How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.

The visitor asks,

"How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man says, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

The old man replies:"Many years ago, when come to this country,

I standing in line at immigration office.

Man in front was big Swede.

Lady look at him and say "What your name?"

and he say "Hans Olafsen".

Next, she look at me ---

"What your name?"

I say "Saim Ting"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Devious

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.

"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted."

It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things That Are (Almost) Impossible To Do With Your Body

There are things that you think you should be able to do with your body. But if you’re like 99.9999% of people in the world, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t quite manage to do it. Here is a list of things that are almost impossible to do with your body,
1. Raise One Eyebrow
2. Lick Your Elbow
3. Gleeking (the term means projecting saliva from the submandibular gland upon compression by the tongue)
4. Twitch Your Nose (Y’know, twitch your nose like the witch Samantha Stephens of Bewitched.)
5. Wiggle Your Ear
6. Touch Your Nose or Chin With Your Tongue
7. Sneeze with Your Eyes Open
8. Draw The Number Six While Making Clockwise Circles With Your Leg
9. Put Your Fist in Your Mouth