Sunday, November 30, 2008



184







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The importance of pronunciation
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.
My fellow students and I had little money for meals,
so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.
We often took our breaks in the kitchen,
and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats
they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me,
"Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.
Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked,
"Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

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Never drive in the bus lane


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This cartoon is for my good fiend Bunk over @Tacky Raccoons
Smile Mate!!!!!!!!!!!
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NO Baby Talk
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use ‘Big People ‘ words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

‘I went to visit my Nana’.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done

‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.
She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?

‘I read a book’ he replied.
‘That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.
‘What book did you read?’
I love this….. ............
Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said……
‘Winnie the SHIT.’

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"Karen Sanderson, 40, had just jumped into the family's 5m saltwater pool
in Darwin's rural area on Monday night,
when her husband Steve noticed a dark shape resting on the bottom.
"He was obviously a croc -
you could see his teeth hanging out the side of his mouth when he had it shut,''
Mr Sanderson, of Noonamah, said.
This is the third time in about two weeks that salties
have been sprung lurking in Top End pools.
Mrs Sanderson jumped out of the pool pretty quick.
But in typical Territorian fashion,
she decided the heat was worse than a bite from the 1m intruder, and got back in.
"She realised he wasn't moving, so ...
she had a bit of a swim around for five minutes,''
Mr Sanderson said. But the beastie was well and truly kicking -
as the Sandersons discovered when their eight-year-old son Angus
prodded the reptile with a pool broom.
All of a sudden he did that body bend snap and really banged the pole,'' Mr Sanderson said. Parks and Wildlife croc handlers arrived to bundle the toothy visitor away."

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Rudd the Dud

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Music
Zucchero and Pavarotti......Va Pensiero
Brillant video ...who said Iwas a musical cretin??

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Cartoons......Doctors







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Chinese proverbs
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
.Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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In the case of an emergency
Pretend to be blind


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Playing Cricket in Church
It’s Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England,
and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service,
where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.
But this year is different.
The local village cricket team has just won their league,
and the village is in celebratory mood,
so the vicar decides to do something special -
he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.
The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers.
People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables,
and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket;
a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end,
and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.
Everything is going fine,
until one lady comes up to the front of the church,
and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables,
but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat,
still clutching her peas.
“What happened?” asked the lady she’s sitting next to.
She shrugs her shoulders, and says,
“There’s no peas for the wicket."


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man,
clutching a clipboard and yelling,"You sign, you sign, here!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement
when the Japanese man starts to yell louder."You sign! You sign here!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke.
Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back,
with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign! here"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now,
so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"
then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting,
and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again.
Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard
under his nose, shouting"You sign! You sign here!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely,
picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him,
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard,
And says:
"You not, Nissan Maindealer


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Wednesday, November 26, 2008


183 ...................................................................


Stupid Test ........ [Will you pass]
Test your Awareness
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The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said.
"I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher.
"Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
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No more cats


Very Funny Ad
stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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Diesel powered Camel



Speaking of Camels
Anyone know who this one belongs to???
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Get a load of this cute Whale,
The World's most dangerous creature
move your mouse to the side and back over it.
Check it out, click on cute one
Cute one

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Global warming is changing the world's climate rapidily
Icebergs are melting, Oceans are rising, Nature is revolting
Act now, conserve energy, and treat the planet with respect
or we'll have a world at sea



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Cartoons







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A man goes to his doctor for his physical
and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,
'I'm going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy obeys and says, '99'.
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.
'Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand,
and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ..... Three'.
stolen from Miss Cellania
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It pays to advertise



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New Zealand beer Ad

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A YIDDISHER MOMMA
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.
He is playing in the water
and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet,
when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere
and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there.
Swept away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries,
"Lord, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith?
Haven't I given to Hadassah?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky,
"Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere
and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the boy is standing there,
smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again.
"I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She says, "He had a hat."
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WHERE IS HE?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,
that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
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Bud Light
video
Thanks Brett






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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



Sunday, November 23, 2008

182

Beautiful Dreamer...............Roy Orbison
If you purchased a copy of the vinyl 45rpm "Pretty Paper" in 1963,
Beautiful Dreamer was on the flipside, here in Australia .
Istill think this is by far and away the best version of Stephen Foster's original recording
but then I'm biased
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A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although
the crowd had dwindled down to one man.
Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home.
"It's up to you," he answered.
"I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
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Don't let your eyes fool you
Its nothing but a pair of ladies heels

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Way to go!!!!!!!



Police Chase

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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says,
"Would you like to dance?"
The girl haughtily says,
"I don't like this song, but even if I did,
I wouldn't dance with the likes of you.
"The guy says,
"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants."
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Cartoons










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Bank robbery
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!
and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot,
a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..
'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter
and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....
Thanks Josie




I think we should've bought a bigger cage



Proof that Giraffes have blue tongues

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A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it
so much that he never parted with it.
He took this mouse everywhere,
to work, to parties, to the opera…
One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects.
Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.
On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!
He retraced all his moves for the day
and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral.
He raced back across town, but it was too late.
The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder
while he was sitting in the hearse.
He spoke to the funeral directors,
but they couldn’t find it: it had completely vanished.
The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother
had told him time and time again as a kid:
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

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A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery.
Since competition in their area was quite fierce,
they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.
After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat,
moored on the banks of the river.
As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat,
with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
The business quickly became known as ...
... the Tooth Ferry

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Is this a young hillary Clinton????

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For all you Johnny Cash fans
Ifound this on You Tube , but was unable to embed it
However here is a link
Its Johnny Cash in 1970 singing about Australia's famous bushranger Ned Kelly

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=2LH7FXf66 KU&feature=related

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If any of my siblings are reading this blog
here is something for you to play at my funeral, if and when I fall off the perch
CCR ..Have you seen the light
Just love the saxophone in this

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Pink





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A PROPOSAL FOR SOME NEW IMMIGRATION LAWS
1. If you migrate to this county, you must speak the native language.
2. You have to be a professional or an investor. No unskilled workers allowed.
3. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language.
4. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office
.6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.
7. Foreigners can invest in t his country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage
.8. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country
.9. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.
Harsh, you say?
The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of Mexico!
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Church Bloopers
video
Thanks Geoff Collins
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MOURNING SEX
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked,
'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--
she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked:
'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
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You have come to the end of Blog 182
so......





Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.