Wednesday, January 14, 2009

198

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
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GOOD!
That's enough for the first day.
Great job! Have a glass of wine.
Thanks Denis

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New Alphabet?
A is for apple, and?B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now
The New Alphabet
A'is for arthritis;
B'is the bad back,
C'is the chest pains,?Perhaps car-d-iac??
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which We'd rather not mention.?
H.. High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I.. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.?
Li s for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, We forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!?
P for prescriptions, We have quite a few,Just give us a pill and We'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.?
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.?
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year We are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have-- in OUR minds.?
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed,
and We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Thanks Joan

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Romance and Seduction

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One of the certainties
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands.
The first woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his office,
but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house
but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says,
''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say,
''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
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Deep and meaningful cartoons











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Change Business Owners Can Believe In
As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people,
I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President,
and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have
to see a price increase of about 8%,
but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now,
so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead.
This problem has really been eating at me,
as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose
who will have to go.
Everyone has families and our employees are good people.
So this is what I did.
I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama `08 bumper stickers
on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
These folks wanted change
, so I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely, a small business owner.
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Cool names for your business shop fronts






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Seek and ye shall find
A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring.
The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed
"I can see! I can see!"
The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed
"I can hear! I can hear!"
The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other side yelling
"I got new tires! I got new tires!"
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Two pictures badly in need of a caption
Any suggestions????




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Two guys strike up a converation at the local tavern...
One guy says to the other,
"Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."
"Did you see a lawyer yet?" asks the second guy.
"No," replies the first,
"I got married."

Cartoons...........Women















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Dubious logic*
Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed *
All polar bears are left-handed *
If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear *
39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles *
80 percent of employed men wear spectacles *
Work stuffs up your eyesight *
All dogs are animals *
All cats are animals *
Therefore, all dogs are cats *
A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second *
Ten babies are conceived around the world every second *
Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant
More dubious logic
Clem asks Abner, "Ain't statistics wonderful?"
"How so?" says Abner.
"Well, according to statistics, there's 42 million alligator eggs laid every year.
Of those only about half get hatched.
Of those that hatch, three-fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days.
And of the rest,
only 5 percent get to be a year old because of one thing or another.
Ain't statistics wonderful?"
Abner asks, "What's so wonderful about statistics?"
"Why, if it wasn't for statistics,
we'd be up to our asses in baby alligators!"
Statisticians' logic
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine,
but don't worry, there are three left.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed,
and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom
and announced that a third engine had died.
Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said,
"Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
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Ain't this the truth

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FAMOUS SAYINGS
Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.--
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.--
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.--
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--
Socrates
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.--
Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.--
Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.--
Alex Levine
Money can 't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.--
Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.--
Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.--
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.--
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.--
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you.--
Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . .
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.--
Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.--
Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

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The first bear pictures for 2009








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Music
Roy Orbison.....The Only One
Lyrics...
Everyone you know's been through it
You bite the bullet then you chew it
Tie the knot at the end of your rope
Buy a book to help you cope but
No consolation gonna come
You're the only one
Take a look through history
Recant some bits of poetry
You'll find the words still ring true
Somethings don't change
Somethings do
And you're the only one with a broken heart
The only one who's afraid of the dark
The only one in a crowded room
The only one who sees a blue moon
What you wouldn't give right now
To be another face in the crowd
And you're the only one who is all alone
The only one who's love is gone
The only one who has given in
The only one who will give again
And you're the only one with a broken heart
The only one who is afraid of the dark
The only one in a crowded room
The only one who sees the blue moon
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are understood to be in the public domain.
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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






6 comments:

Jack K. said...

Phil, you are a saint. I needed that encouragement. My wrist and fingers seem much stronger for the exercise. Now I will be able to hold on to the wine glass, even when it is full. Drinking wine through a straw is so gauche. tehee.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Oh isn't this the truth. Well, some days are better than others.

Your UN joke is running on my blog today. Thanks.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)

Anonymous said...

Excuse me Miss, when I said "speak into the microphone", that's not quite what I meant!!

Cheers Big Fella, Stevie Boy

Phils Phun said...

G'day Sandee
The truth hurts sometimes
Ireally love your blog and Ilove hearing from you Cheers

Phils Phun said...

G'day Jack
Keep it up my friend
Don't forget that glass of wine to help you celebrate.
Great to hear from you
Take care

Phils Phun said...

V1
Listen mate
You can bloody well do better than that.
Get your act together, or I'll come up to Kal and rip your bloody arms off
Big fella