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You could have heard a pin drop
When in England , at a fairly large conference,
Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq
were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years
the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enoug
to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying
'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims
Whatdoes he intended to do, bomb them?
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities;
they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day
and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims
and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officer
that included personnel from most of those countries
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks
but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conference
rather than speaking French?
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replie
'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previousl
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France
'The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,
I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.
He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse,
and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present
She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house,
demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
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Say what you like about this bloke .......But Ithink he's a legend
Tom Waits...The piano has been drinking
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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient inEnglish,
but did manage to communicate with her husband. The realproblem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs
Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't knowhow to say it,
and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned herblouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to finda way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
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Cartoons............Marriage
Doggie Marriage
Marriage ain't no monkey business
WHAT DO DEER THINK?
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan ,
was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked,
"What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'
"Nugent replied,
"Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is,
'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away.
They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
Mates for life
Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards.
So, to liven him up a bit,
Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.
They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”
Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”
“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.
So Jim replied
“Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”
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Sign of the times
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Music
Intsrumental hits
Australian Group from the 60's with their big surfing hit
The Atlantics....Bombora
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Grapes and Doughnuts
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life,
but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help.
The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.
Finally, he concluded,
"Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store
and buy some grapes and doughnuts.
Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,
roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.
Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard
and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "
Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,
toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless
he felt that he could help them;
so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money.
I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said,
"You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said.
"On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store
and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. "
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
4 comments:
Bwahahahaha. I'll have the soup. That's a good one.
Love all the French jokes too.
Have a terrific day Phil. :)
Love the cartoons.
I think you would appreciate my sense of humor. If I link to your blog on my blog is there any way you could return the favor? I think we could both get more exposure!
Check it out: Http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com
Thanks so much
Sandee; It always terrific to hear from you and Iappreciate all of your support.
Keep Smiling
Have a top weekend
Cheers
Scott; Consider it done
Look forward to reading further issues of your blog
Cheers
"I'm busier than a set of jumper cables at a Puerto Rican wedding." --Tom Waits
Check him out in "Ironweed" with Jack Nicholson & Meryl Streep. He sings "Big Rock Candy Mountain."
P.S. Scott's hitting up on all of us...
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