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What a Wonderful World....Satchmo



saw Satchmo over @Tacky Raccoons
I have posted this before, but is such a great song ,it deserves a re-run
Thanks Bunk

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The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she or he looks good...
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
My FAVORITE... I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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This was on Bits and Pieces a couple of days back
No offence to my many Kiwi friends, but it is just too funny to ignore
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Sheep fries

There was once a Sheep Farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the Sheep Farmer yelled,

"No -- Don't throw those away -- "My Wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 Sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...

and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

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Amazing facts


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How A Marriage Works!!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,Japan , India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted himby sayin g,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... Iwon't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and tookout 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs inblankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words,
Dickhead? Drink your bloodybeer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your Godamn snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't bloody well going anywhere!
Got it, Asshole?"........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
---
Thanks Gordon [sorry mate, Ihad to clean it up a little]
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Time lapse cool video of Tamarrama Beach, Sydney by Keith Loutit

Beached from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

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Cartoons..............Animals

Cool Chimp

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Winking
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.

You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,

and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.

I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms:

red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally,

at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,

and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.

"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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The most remote place on Earth

Tristan da Cunha-270 people can't be wrong
The Most Remote Place on Earth
Click on the link to go there
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An old woman is going up in a lift in a very lavish department store

when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

“Guess what I’ve on… Romance by Ralph Lauren, 100 dollars a bottle.”
Then another woman gets in the lift, she also turns to the old woman and says snootily,

“You know, it’s Chanel No. 5, 200 dollars a bottle.”
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination,

As she get out, she looks both women in the eye,

then turns round, bends over and farts, and says,

“Broccoli, 50 cents a pound.”

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Picture of Earth from 31 million miles

Thats our moon you can see

Photo from NASA archives


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Music

Instrumental hits

The Shadows had so many hits

its hard to know which one to play

This one is from 1960

The Shadows.....Apache


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A man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water,

there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he
couldn't even get an erection.

Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach,
he thinks he sees a ship in the distance.

He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until

smoke is billowing high in the air.
The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks,

"Finally! I'm going to be saved!The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower.

Then they're going to give me some clothes

and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner.

I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin

and we can kiss andI can fondle her body.

She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts,

grabs his pecker, and yells,

"Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

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