Wednesday, February 25, 2009

211






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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,
his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank
and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant.
"So?""Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?""Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?""Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes.
"Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years
. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

stolen from Miss Cellania
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This very funny
Louis CK on the Conan O'Brien show
Everything is amazing.Nobody is happy

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Where is "Worksafe" when you need them














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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street
."Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past twoweeks?
Nobody seen you around!"
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach,
and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and a-kickin and a-yellin".
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How Penguins Travel


stolen from nonamedufus
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The latest trend in shoelaces
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A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop . .
. maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop . . .
given luck and God's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely.
But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion.
So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope . . .
but I'm hardly likely to become . . . hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible.
If a Pole can, why not an Englishman again?
Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope.
And after Pope what?"
The priest looks at him in surprise,
"After Pope? There's nothing after Pope!
I mean, there's just God above the Pope . . . I can't become God."
"So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."
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Rubens Tube

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CARTOONS.....Cellphones











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I have a question
A father and son went fishing one day.
While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked,
"How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father,
"Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father,
"Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied,
"Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
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Some more funny signs











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Instrumental Hits
This one is a bit obscure, but nonethe less was very popular down under
Joe Loss and his Orchestra...March of the Mods

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A man was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly
found himself surrounded by fierce-looking natives!
As they moved closer, he remembered an old trick he saw in a movie.
Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked the flame towards the leader of the
natives.
Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped,
"Wow! That's incredible!"
"You'd better believe it's incredible," said the man,
all the while waving the flame at him.
"It certainly is," says the leader.
I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!"

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Cool Vibrator


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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Thanks David J
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A foursome of guys are waiting to tee off,
while another forsome of women is hitting off from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit off, she hacks the ball about ten feet.
She goes over to it, lines it up, takes an almighty swing and misses it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet,
quietly cursing under her breath.
She glances up at the patiently waiting men and snarls,
"I guess all those f******g lessons I took over the winter didn't help one little bit."
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it; you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
Poor bastard, he never even had a chance to duck!

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1 comment:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Holy shit Phil. Those all scared me half to death. :)