Wednesday, April 29, 2009



Another great Beer ad from Heineken

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Your Honor," she told the judge,
"I want a divorce. Myhusband has been cheating on me.
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said.
"Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway
when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before."
"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was.
It may have been just a harmless coincidence.
You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained,
"but the fellow I waswith had already seen the picture."

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Two rednecks go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits,
the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation,
one of the rednecks finally catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says,
"Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Our gangs bigger than yours!!!

Love your underwear

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now where was I .....????

so I sat down on one of the orderly placed chairs...
all in row ..amongst the fifty or sixty other lost souls....
the smell of spicy food mixed with unclean bodies ...
stale sweat and cheap after shave.
After what seemd to be an eternity,
the voices all toned down into a blurred jumble of languages ....
once or twice I recognised English ..
badly enunciated but recognisable ...
it gave me a kind of re assuring feeling.
Seven foot tall Africans with scarred faces ...
wearing the latest street wise fashions ...
Indians with their mop of black oily hair ....
folks from the Balkan states ....
oozing garlic sweat and chanting loudly about the challenges in front of them.
The greeting on entry from a Chinese young thing was pleasant enough ..
though painfully slow and disinterested in manner.
An hour went by and the angst built ..
the smell almost unbearable ..
the yabber from disgruntled mixed raced punters louder and louder ...
the crying children ...
the look of horror in the faces those who failed ......
finally ..
my number was called ..
and I paid my licence renewal

thanks Joan

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Toe-tally awesome

stolen from nonamedufus


A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf
with a few Japanese business associates.
Having nothing to do the night before his game,
he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.
Later, when they were in the throes of passion,
she suddenly screamed out
Not knowing the translation,
he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.
Again she screamed,
“Kawasaki! Kawasaki!”
And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.
Finally, she shrieked
a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room.
“Must have been too good for her!”
he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.
The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf,
one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee
right into the cup for a hole-in-one!
Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates
with his linguistic proficiency,
the man yelled out
" Kawasaki!”
Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked,
“What do you mean, wrong hole?”
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I love you New Zealand

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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him,
and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays.
You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem?
Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs.
But my father-in-law drinks every weekend,
and then beats on my mother-in-law.
So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright.
She puts her head on my shoulder and cries,
one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know,
I'm boinking her."
The boss says,
"You boink your mother-in-law?"
The guy says,
"Hey, I told you I was sick."

stolen from Miss Cellania
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A group of one hundred freshmen from McGill University
each contributed 10 bucks to the kitty.
When the money was collected,
they drew lots to see which one would have the night's pleasure of visiting
Montreal's most famous call girl who charges one thousand dollars for a super sex fling.
That night the winner, a love-starved, panting youth named Spencer,
went to her luxurious boudoir and handed her the money.
"That's a huge sum of money for a college boy to have," she told him.
He explained the entire situation to her,
telling her how all the boys had drawn lots to see
who would have the joy of her shapely favors.
She was touched by the story
and remembered her early days when a buck looked plenty big in her purse.
With softening heart she said,
"I'm going to do something that I've never done before.
I'm going to give you back your money."
Then she gave him back his ten dollars.
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1 comment:

Sandee said...

I stole the Kawasaki one. Bwahahahahaha. I gave you credit as always.

Have a terrific day. :)