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Comedian Dom Deluise has passed on aged 75
I'll miss that laugh
This was taken from one of the 1981 Cannonball movies
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Rich v Poor
There are men who struggle for a day and they are good.
There are men who struggle for a year and they are better.
There are men who struggle many years, and they are better still.
But there are those who struggle all their lives:
These are the indispensable ones. .”
(Bertolt Brecht, Die Mutter - 1930)
(Bertolt Brecht, Die Mutter - 1930)
Moose hunting
A guy went hunting for moose and bagged a big one.
Hetook it to a butcher who specialized in dealing with the(usually very large)
carcasses brought in by moose hunters.
He starts by cutting up the moose into smaller pieces.
As he cuts up the moose,
he puts the parts into bags and marks them according to contents:
chops, rump steak, ribs,sirloin, etc.
When he finishes, he is usually left with a pile of unid-entifiable parts.
These he puts all into one bag and labels them...
"Moos-ellanious."
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A bike with a mind of its own
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The world is full of dreamers
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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether
men or women were more trustworthy.
'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' huffily answered a woman guest.
'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the lady.
'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'"
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More Dreamers
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What happens next????
I was at the bus stop yesterday going into where I go to
and there was a queue of about twenty people.
A mate of mine came up and said
''that's nice tan you have got there Mick where were you''?
''Mexico''.........I turned round and we were at the front of the queue
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Drop the Bomb
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· Moments before the Battle of Trafalgar.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir.."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability."
"What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now.
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. “Give me a report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There’s no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men be bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity equality re-training course"
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."
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Cartoons.........Gay Toons
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. “Give me a report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There’s no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men be bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity equality re-training course"
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."
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Cartoons.........Gay Toons
So , How much Sugar is stacked here????
Against his better judgment,
the auto garage hired three blondes when he was in
need of a couple of mechanic's helpers.
Taking great pains to be specific,
he explained to the three that he wanted them
to clean a car that was parked outside.
He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner
, a bucket, rags and the car keys.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car,
feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo.
"Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked
."Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply
.Exasperated, he said,
"That's why I gave you two."
"Well, Duh, we tried the other one!" one blonde said.
"It wouldn't reach neither."
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Where's my dinner????
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Where's my dinner????
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What Happens next??????
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Phil's Philosophy
A lot of the images on Phils Phun come from
Izismile.com. Daily news and sun stuff
Check them out, they have some great stuff
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
4 comments:
More Roy Orbison style music, please.
Buddy Holly, etc...
The pets were awesome.
I loved the Admiral one too. It's so painfully true.
Have a terrific day Phil. :_
G'day Sandee
Thanks for dropping by
Always good to hear from you
Cheers
G'day jdg
Will post some music in blogs to come
Good to hear from someone with similar tastes in music
Cheers
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