Sunday, December 6, 2009



Aussie Jingle Bells
Dashing through the bush
In a rusty Holden Ute
Kicking up the dust
Esky in the boot
Kelpie by my side
Singing Christmas songs
It's summer time and I am in My singlet, shorts & thongs
Engine's getting hot
Dodge the kangaroos
Swaggy climbs aboard
He is welcome too
All the family is there
Sitting by the pool
Christmas day, the Aussie way
By the barbecue!
Come the afternoon Grandpa has a doze
The kids and uncle Bruce Are swimming in their clothes
The time comes round to go
We take a family snap
Then pack the car and all shoot through
Before the washing up
Health Insurance


On a bitterly cold winter's morning , a husband and wife in Dublin
were listening to the radio during breakfast...
They heard the announcer say,
"We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street
so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
" We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street
so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says,
" We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset
and with a worried look on her face she said,
" I dont know what to do.
What side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice
that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
" Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

thanks Wayne W
Tiger Woods
Thanks to all those who sent me the following two pictures



True Handicap....................
This is why you shouldn't lie about your handicap!

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa.
He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf
and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit.
"Well, its 16," said the businessman,
"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap.
The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle;
again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees.
He found his ball and was about to punch it out
when he heard the loud crack of the rifle
and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa.
You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5
."Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes.
As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more,
and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green.
The businessman's ball came up just short of the green
and rolled back to the edge of the water.
To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake.
As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water
and bit off much of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain,
he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously
."I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy,
"this is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."
That's why you never lie about your handicap

thanks Don H

Watch out for bunkers


Book Report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books -
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :...... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist
.Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :....... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :....... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Thanks Don H

This week we celebrate a special birthday

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?


Way out West


Lateral thinking


Thanks Wayne W

Traffic lights needed!!!!

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat
and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically
and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror,
a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear
and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.
'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers
and Democratic environmental activists,
but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, who was that guy?
'It was the Pope,' another replied.
'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom,
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive,
or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

thanks Liz Z



Aussie 1970's Group


thanks Liz Z


The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.
Today we’re going to change our underwear.”
The troops start cheering wildly.
“Now the bad news,” continues the Sarge.
“Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”



Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A husband with little English struggled to explain
that his wife could not have children,
saying 'she is unbearable'.
Getting a blank stare he tried:
'she is impregnable'.
Then finally he figured he had it:
'she is inconceivable!'

A policeman accidentally arrested a judge
who had dressed as a convict for a costume party -
that cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals
was trying to solve a problem
when he fell in and became part of the solution.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary.
After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey.
When I was Finnished I told the waiter
'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man'
was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.


An Indian Mystery revealed
Finally someone has cleared this up for me...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married,
she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night,
the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won:-
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney
If there is nothing there,
he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice
to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.


These are entries to a Washington Post competition
asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line,
and the least romantic second line:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who said poetry is boring !!!


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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at


Bunk Strutts said...

Phil-- I knew you were in country last summer, but I didn't realize you stopped by my house after all. Sorry you were put off by the doormat.

Phils Phun said...

G'day Mate
Yes, I did come by.
I rang the doorbell with my elbows, but alas no answer, so I had to drink the whole slab by myself