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Doing her bit for Xmas




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TIGER WOODS

Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,
first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself
"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth,
Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
"Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,
"John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around:
"NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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Once a Diamond always a Diamond

Thanks Stevie Boy from Kalgoorlie

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A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom,

decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."

He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible. "

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women. eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish.

"I wish I'd never have to work again."

Instantly, he was back in his government office.

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For the Golfers


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Chutzpah
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery,
sheer guts plus arrogance;
its Yiddish
and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, and no other language,
can do it justice.
This example is better than 1,000 words...
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each..
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time,
and as he passed the pretzel stand,
he would leave her a quarter,
but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more then 3 years.
The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand
and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said:
"They're 35 cents now."

thanks Liz Z

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Today's Youth

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Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train

to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket

and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train.

The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet

and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed,

the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket inhand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip

and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy aticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says oneperplexed Kiwi

."Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet

and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet

and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket please."

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When I see pictures like this,

I feel for my many North American and Canadian friends

Wonder what they will be doing Xmas Day???

Here in Aussie after lunch, its either down to beach

or just sit in the shade under a big gum tree enjoying a few coldies

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I'm Good, I'm a Man


Thanks Liz Z

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Well, what can I say!!!!

Its a big truck???

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse.

The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing

the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table,

the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,

"This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,

who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said.

"Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au

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