289

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Finally managed to get my Xmas lights up yesterday

JEWISH CHRISTMAS
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her

students celebrated Christmas.

She called on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas Time?", she asked.

Patrick addressed the class,

"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass

and we Sing hymns, then we come home very late

and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.

Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our Toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum And Dad

and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.

We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.

We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class

and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,

"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.

Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce,

then we drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing

'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'.

Then we all go to the Bahamas."


thanks Duke

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Get your tree early

HOLIDAY GREETINGS

Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza

Sorry for the delay...

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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit

my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,

low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions

of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,

or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,

and medically uncomplicated recognitionof the onset

of the generally accepted calendar year 2010,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great,

(not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country

or is the only "Australia" in the southern hemisphere),

and without regard to the race, creed, color, age,physical ability,

religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexualorientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

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and is void where prohibited by law,

and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year,

or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,

which ever comes first,

and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish

or issuance of a new wish at the solediscretion of the wisher.


thanks Duke

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The Perfect Gift


stolen from..... Miss Cellania

Click on this link to see who is waiting for Santa
Waiting for Santa


thanks Liz Z
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MERRY CHRISTMAS !
Click on Christmas Card >>>>>> Christmas Card
My Christmas Card to Everyone!

thanks Wayne W

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Christmas Pun
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop

looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a Parrot, named Chet,

which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This Seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his Feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

Chet Began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then Held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper

and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,

as the Shop-keeper had shown him,

and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,

and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,

"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat,

and the little Parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire

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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

thanks Don H
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Christmas Can-Can



and here is a animated version



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Christmas in the Sun

Do you hear what I hear



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

“Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.”

Oren Arnold (1900 - 1980)


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.