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What a Wonderful World....Satchmo



saw Satchmo over @Tacky Raccoons
I have posted this before, but is such a great song ,it deserves a re-run
Thanks Bunk

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The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she or he looks good...
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
My FAVORITE... I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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This was on Bits and Pieces a couple of days back
No offence to my many Kiwi friends, but it is just too funny to ignore
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Sheep fries

There was once a Sheep Farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the Sheep Farmer yelled,

"No -- Don't throw those away -- "My Wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 Sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...

and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

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Amazing facts


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How A Marriage Works!!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,Japan , India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted himby sayin g,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... Iwon't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and tookout 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs inblankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words,
Dickhead? Drink your bloodybeer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your Godamn snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't bloody well going anywhere!
Got it, Asshole?"........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
---
Thanks Gordon [sorry mate, Ihad to clean it up a little]
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Time lapse cool video of Tamarrama Beach, Sydney by Keith Loutit

Beached from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

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Cartoons..............Animals

Cool Chimp

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Winking
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.

You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,

and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.

I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms:

red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally,

at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,

and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.

"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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The most remote place on Earth

Tristan da Cunha-270 people can't be wrong
The Most Remote Place on Earth
Click on the link to go there
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An old woman is going up in a lift in a very lavish department store

when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

“Guess what I’ve on… Romance by Ralph Lauren, 100 dollars a bottle.”
Then another woman gets in the lift, she also turns to the old woman and says snootily,

“You know, it’s Chanel No. 5, 200 dollars a bottle.”
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination,

As she get out, she looks both women in the eye,

then turns round, bends over and farts, and says,

“Broccoli, 50 cents a pound.”

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Picture of Earth from 31 million miles

Thats our moon you can see

Photo from NASA archives


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Music

Instrumental hits

The Shadows had so many hits

its hard to know which one to play

This one is from 1960

The Shadows.....Apache


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A man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water,

there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he
couldn't even get an erection.

Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach,
he thinks he sees a ship in the distance.

He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until

smoke is billowing high in the air.
The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks,

"Finally! I'm going to be saved!The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower.

Then they're going to give me some clothes

and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner.

I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin

and we can kiss andI can fondle her body.

She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts,

grabs his pecker, and yells,

"Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

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More Countdown widgets here

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

201

January 26th is Australia Day

This post is a little early as I maybe missing in action for the next couple of days

Careful how you drive down under!!

Fair Dinkum Mate!


If you’re a True Blue Aussie, then talk the way we do.

Like “Stone the Crows” and “Ridgy Didge” and “Ow ya goin' Blue”.

Waltz along Matildas and sing of Gundagai,

Talk about the swagmen and eat the big meat pie.

If you’ve never humped a Bluey, or thrown a boomerang,

And never eaten damper, with Vegemite or jam;

If you’ve never seen the "Outback", from Bourke to Timbuktu,

Then sorry mate, but you can’t be, a “Dinkum Real True Blue”.

Aussie blokes and sheilas, are “Bonza” through and through,

They’ve camped down by a “Billabong”, and played a Didgeridoo;

They drive around in Holdens, and go to “Two-Up Schools”,

They play the game of Rugby League, and a lot of "Aussie Rules".

Aussies live “Down Under”, and are very proud of that.

They’ve fought in many battles, and wear the old "Slouch Hat";

They’ve fished the Murrumbidgee, and burnt the “Gidgee Tree”.

They’ve hunted “Crocs” at “Walkabout” with Crocodile Dundee.

Have you heard the Kookaburras laugh, and the Curlews when they cry,

The Goannas scamper up a tree, and the “Roos” go bounding by;

Have you seen the signs of nature, in Australia’s Great Outback,

From Darwin to “The Alice”, and down The Birdsville Track?

Have you ever sailed in Moreton Bay, or surfed at Bondi Beach,

Have you ever caught a Melbourne Tram, or walked down Flinders Street;

Have you journeyed to The Darling Downs, or crossed “The Great Divide”,

And travelled on “The Nullarbor” to reach the other side?

Have you been to Tumbarumba, shooting “Kanga Bloody Roos”,

Have you been down to “The Local” for a night out on “The Booze”;

Have you travelled The Pacific, The Bruce, The Sturt and Hume,

Have you ever seen “The Min-Min Light”, and been across to Broome?

If you’re a "Dinkum Aussie", and done what Aussies do,

You must be feeling very proud, to be a real "True Blue";

No matter what part of Australia, The north, south, east or west,

By being a "Fair Dinkum Aussie", you’re one of the world's very best.

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Kangaroo's learning to hop!!!

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A woman from eThekwini, Kwazulu-Natal, is sitting in the bar with two guys beside her.

The first guy says to the barman, "Johnnie Walker. Single."

And the second blurts, "Jack Daniels. single."

At that, the bartender approaches the lady and asks,

"And you ma'am?"

"Ntombizodwa Kubheka, married."

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Do you know who is sitting in
The Highest Position of the World ?!




U.S President?

NO

Osama Bin Laden ?

NO

UN General Secretary ?

NO

Pope Benedict ?

NO

Don't know

Then I Will Tell You

It is Babu from India

He is the Crane Operator

on the top floor of Burj Dubai

The tallest building in the world

thanks Geoff

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere

with her Stammerers Action group.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said

"If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering,

I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

"So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"whose next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

"Brilliant, Paddy" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath

and Paddy said .................... "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

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Somebody's being fooling around

Funny Commercial

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Cartoons..............Dogs

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Irish Obama....The Corrigans

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Food at the Races
The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting,

and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner,

when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead,

only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies

as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,

on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain

that he had been seriously hampered.

stolen from Archies Archive

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Music

Instrumental hits

Duane Eddy......Peter Gunn


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Welcome to----------

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Oldie, but Goldie


An elderly couple, who were both widowed,

had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner

and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to

broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it 'infrequently ' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,

adjusted his glasses,

leaned over towards her and whispered

'Is that one word or two?'

thanks Paul

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

200

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You could have heard a pin drop
When in England , at a fairly large conference,
Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq
were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years
the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enoug
to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying
'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims
Whatdoes he intended to do, bomb them?
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities;
they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day
and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims
and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officer
that included personnel from most of those countries
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks
but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conference
rather than speaking French?
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replie
'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previousl
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France
'The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,
I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

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It Don't Look So Good
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift

when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.

He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse,

and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present

She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house,

demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

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Say what you like about this bloke .......But Ithink he's a legend

Tom Waits...The piano has been drinking

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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient inEnglish,

but did manage to communicate with her husband. The realproblem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation

clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't knowhow to say it,

and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned herblouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to finda way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

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Cartoons............Marriage

Doggie Marriage

Marriage ain't no monkey business

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WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan ,

was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked,

"What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?

Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

"Nugent replied,

"Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.

All they care about is,

'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,

and can I run fast enough to get away.

They are very much like the French."

The interview ended at that point.

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Mates for life

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Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards.

So, to liven him up a bit,

Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.

They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.

When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied

“Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

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Sign of the times

stolen from Florida 5708

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Music

Intsrumental hits

Australian Group from the 60's with their big surfing hit

The Atlantics....Bombora

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Grapes and Doughnuts

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life,

but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help.

The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.

Finally, he concluded,

"Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store

and buy some grapes and doughnuts.

Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,

roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.

Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard

and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "

Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,

toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.

Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless

he felt that he could help them;

so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news.

"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money.

I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said,

"You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said.

"On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store

and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. "

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

199


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Last year I entered the City to Surf Marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners.
It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey Mate, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
So I dropped out of the race.



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Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!
Between being married a long time, and also being a man,
I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon.
Its not difficult
Try this

Wet Hands
Yes, it is the wet hands technique.
Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article.
So simple.
So exciting.
You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid.
Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh.
There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit.
It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water
and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean,
works like a treat

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I just love this
Revenge is sweet

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A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
***
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say --
talk in your sleep.
***
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks,
'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


A penguin walks into a bar
Penguin "Have you seen my brother?
Barman "No, What does he look like!"


Cartoons......Penguins

Check out the penguin dance.

Some penguin jokes:

Q: What do little penguins sing when their father brings fish home for dinner?

A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Q: Why are penguins good race drivers?

A: Because they're always in the pole position.

Q: How does a penguin make pancakes?

A: With its flippers.

Q: Why did the penguin cross the road ?

A: To go with the floe

Q. Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

A: Because they don't have pockets.



Some penguin facts:

• There are 17 different kinds of penguins, and they all live in the southern hemisphere

.• Penguins are birds that do not fly. Their wings serve as flippers, which they use to swim through the water. The only time penguins are airborne is when they leap out of the water.

• Most penguins can swim about 15 miles per hour.

• Rockhopper penguins build their nests onsteep rocky areas. To get there, they holdboth feet together and bounce from ledge to ledge. These birds can bounce up to 5 feet.

• They are warm blooded, just like people with a normal body temperature of about 100 degrees F

.• Penguins don't live near freshwater -- at least none that isn't frozen.

Instead they drink salt water.

They have a special gland in their bodies that takes the salt out of the water they drink and pushes it out of grooves in their bill.

• Penguins are found in Antarctica, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand.

Elsewhere, they are only found in zoos.

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The first violin in the local philharmonic had a friend who played the cello.

The friend, who was quite good, wanted to audition for the philharmonic.

There was an opening,

but auditions were hard to arrange.

So he went to the violinist and asked for help.

Said his friend, "Don't worry about it.
I'll pull some strings."
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There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi.

The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep,

and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it.

As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir.

Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy.

Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep’s milk too,

but he let him on a secret:

a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep’s milk

taste as sweet as the richest cream.

Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough,

Yorgi’s sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted.

Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the litre.

He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain.

Yorgi realized that he couldn’t make his sheep suffer like that,

so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep’s milk.
Now, there’s no ewes crying over spelled milk.



stolen from Archies Archive

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See if you can find the nude dude on the beach

click on the link below
http://www.whereisnudedude.com.au/

Thanks Brett

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Merry Christmas

Thanks Geoff

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Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable sex doll.

Guy behind the counter says,

‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female’

Counter guy asks,

‘Black or white?’

Customer says, ‘White’

Counter guy asks,

‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’

Counter guy says,

‘The Muslim one blows itself up’.

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Concentrate

Is it moving????

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High Density living in Hong Kong

Music

Ithink we've had enough of Roy Orbison for awhile.

Is it just me or are there no great instrumental hits these days.

The 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's saw many great instrumental hits.

Over the next few blogs Iwill post a few I like .
Stranger on the Shore......Acker Bilk

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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

198

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
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GOOD!
That's enough for the first day.
Great job! Have a glass of wine.
Thanks Denis

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New Alphabet?
A is for apple, and?B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now
The New Alphabet
A'is for arthritis;
B'is the bad back,
C'is the chest pains,?Perhaps car-d-iac??
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which We'd rather not mention.?
H.. High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I.. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.?
Li s for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, We forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!?
P for prescriptions, We have quite a few,Just give us a pill and We'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.?
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.?
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year We are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have-- in OUR minds.?
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed,
and We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Thanks Joan

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Romance and Seduction

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One of the certainties
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands.
The first woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his office,
but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house
but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says,
''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say,
''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
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Deep and meaningful cartoons

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Change Business Owners Can Believe In
As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people,
I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President,
and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have
to see a price increase of about 8%,
but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now,
so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead.
This problem has really been eating at me,
as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose
who will have to go.
Everyone has families and our employees are good people.
So this is what I did.
I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama `08 bumper stickers
on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
These folks wanted change
, so I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely, a small business owner.
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Cool names for your business shop fronts

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Seek and ye shall find

A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring.

The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed

"I can see! I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed

"I can hear! I can hear!"

The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other side yelling

"I got new tires! I got new tires!"
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Two pictures badly in need of a caption

Any suggestions????

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Two guys strike up a converation at the local tavern...

One guy says to the other,

"Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."

"Did you see a lawyer yet?" asks the second guy.

"No," replies the first,

"I got married."

Cartoons...........Women

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Dubious logic*

Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed *

All polar bears are left-handed *

If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear *

39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles *

80 percent of employed men wear spectacles *

Work stuffs up your eyesight *

All dogs are animals *

All cats are animals *

Therefore, all dogs are cats *

A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second *

Ten babies are conceived around the world every second *

Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant

More dubious logic

Clem asks Abner, "Ain't statistics wonderful?"

"How so?" says Abner.

"Well, according to statistics, there's 42 million alligator eggs laid every year.

Of those only about half get hatched.

Of those that hatch, three-fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days.

And of the rest,

only 5 percent get to be a year old because of one thing or another.

Ain't statistics wonderful?"

Abner asks, "What's so wonderful about statistics?"

"Why, if it wasn't for statistics,

we'd be up to our asses in baby alligators!"

Statisticians' logic

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine,

but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed,

and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom

and announced that a third engine had died.

Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said,

"Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

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Ain't this the truth

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FAMOUS SAYINGS

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.--

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.--

Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.--

Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--

Socrates

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.--

Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.--

Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.--

Alex Levine

Money can 't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.--

Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.--

Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.--

Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.--

Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.--

Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you.--

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . .

but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.--

Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.--

Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

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The first bear pictures for 2009

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Music

Roy Orbison.....The Only One

Lyrics...

Everyone you know's been through it

You bite the bullet then you chew it

Tie the knot at the end of your rope

Buy a book to help you cope but

No consolation gonna come

You're the only one

Take a look through history

Recant some bits of poetry

You'll find the words still ring true

Somethings don't change

Somethings do

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who's afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees a blue moon

What you wouldn't give right now

To be another face in the crowd

And you're the only one who is all alone

The only one who's love is gone

The only one who has given in

The only one who will give again

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who is afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees the blue moon

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

197

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Headlines From 2050
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines

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Golfers with no sense of humour

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It is a known fact that all daughters-in- law have problems with their
mother-in-law.

Anyway... One day the daughters-in- law all got together
and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they
had supposedly done wrong.

A week later the daughters-in- law decided
to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died.

The daughters-in- law were devastated but one in particular was more
heart broken than the rest.

Everyone tried to console her by telling her
that at least her mother-in-law had died without

any tension between them.

But still she cried.

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak
the other women asked her:

"Why are you crying so much?

Was your mother-in-law that special?"

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied...

"No, she missed the bus!"
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Cool travel ads

Where does your world end?

This ad speaks for itself

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Here is a link to a game that all you beer drinkers will like

Match the beer caps

Took me 5 minutes 28 [pretty slow]
http://caps.lachoff.com/

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Seeing that 2009 is the International year of Astronomy,

will try and post some good pictures that Imay come accross

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As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,

I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you,

because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,

and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,

without any reservations,

you laid on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference,

so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation,

and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Since you were satisfied and calm....

finally I fell asleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone,

I searched for you but to no avail,

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks,

making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

as soon you appear

I will quickly grab you

and you will never go,

I will catch and hold you with all my strength

so you won't disappear.

Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out and destroy you......
Bloody mosquito!

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Cartoons

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Here’s two funny animated video's featuring two dinosaurs and a pig

to see who can let go the best fart.

Don’t let the fact that it’s animated and about farting throw you.

Sure it might be a little childish,

but hey, every once in a while we need to entertain that child in all of us, don’t we?

And since it’s less than a minute long, what do you have to lose?

Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

The Pig wins easily




Part two

stolen from Steven Humour

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Pointing The Way
Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition.

They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days,

their supplies were running low

and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes.

Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.
Happily, one of the natives offered a solution.

He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.
“The insect always points North,” he said.

“I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect,

you can find your way out without me.”
The explorers were happy to follow the insect.

Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress.

Then a day passed.

Then another one passed.

The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.
They knew that they were lost.
“Forget it!” one of them shouted in frustration.

“This insect is mad! It’s insane I tell you! It points every which way and we’re lost.

This is hopeless!”
“How can you tell that?” the others asked.

“How can the insect be mad?”
“Can’t you all see?” he cried……

“It’s non-compass-mantis.”

stolen from Archies Archive

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Some poor friars decided they needed to make some repairs to their monastery,

so they opened a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds.

Since everyone felt good about buying flowers from the men of God,

the rival florist across town was fast losing business,

and believed the competition to be unfair.

The rival florist asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close their shop...they ignored him.

Finally, he asked his mother to plead with the friars to close their very popular florist shop.

The good friars ignored her as well

.At his wit's end, the rival florist finally hired Hugh MacTaggard,

the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...

Are you ready for this?

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

stolen from Miss Cellania


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Phunny Punny Toons

Raw Deal

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Gold Medal Lovemaking
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."
"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.
"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."
"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.
"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,

"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."
"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.
"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."
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Music

Roy Orbison..... A Mansion on the Hill



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

196

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It's the birthday of Elvis Presley, born in Tupelo, Mississippi (1935).
When he was 18, working as a truck driver, he wanted to give his mom a gift,

so he stopped by the Memphis Recording Service,

where you could record your own songs for a small fee.
He had four dollars, and with that money he was able to record two songs:

"My Happiness" and "That's When Your Heartaches Begin."

Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper...Elvis is everywhere

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stolen from Bits and Pieces

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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre,

where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside,

while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches,

lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.

He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely,

she grows impatient and says:

"All these examinations are fine and appreciated,

but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

"I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

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A couple of Phunny Punny's

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The Handbag

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stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus

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Observant kid

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter

and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said,

"Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windshield.
It said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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Cartoons........Teenagers

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Men like big closets as well

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Copy cat

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A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian.

Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 -

If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,

"Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "Yes."The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots

and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down

and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money.

He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off,

puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian.

He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.

The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out

how the Indian could know that, so he asks,

"How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies, "By the wool in your zipper."
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One morning a man comes into the church on crutches.

He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs,

then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory

to tell the priest what he'd just seen

.Without batting an eye, the priest says,

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

The time is when Fridays were fish days.

A Protestant minister moved into a Roman Catholics community.

Every Friday he could be seen cooking steaks etc .

Finally the people approached him and asked him to change to the Catholic Faith.

He agreed to do this and after a while the Bishop anointed him with Holy water,

sprinkling him three times and saying

" In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy Ghost you are now a Catholic."

The next Friday the man was outside Barbecuing a roast of beef .

the people protested to him, so he got some water,

blessed it, and sprinkled it on the meat saying

" In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost you are now fish"

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Balloons

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Music

Roy Orbison...Here comes the rain Baby

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

195

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There once was a rich man who was dying.

While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God

allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.
"God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches.

Can't I bring them along?"
"This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward,

I will allow you to bring one suitcase."

The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks.
Shortly thereafter, he died.

When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

"I'm sorry sir, but you know the rule -- 'you can't take it with you.'

You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside."
"But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested.
"Well, if God says it's okay -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter."
St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it,

and, looking very puzzled, said to the man,

"You brought pavement?"

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Commercial Fail

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Cool and Colourful

Oh!...What a feeling

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What's My Age ?
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time.

She decided to get his attention.

"Johnny," she said,

"If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?"

Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age.

Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said.

"My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

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Double click on the Earth's image to view an amazing slide show

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Cartoons...............Men

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10.Both are suspicious of the postman.
11.Neither understands what you see in cats.

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The local fire department got a call that a flock of geese were stuck in a frozen lake.

So a rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boar and ice-breaking tools.

They got within three yards- and the flock flew off.

The men were left staring at open water.
“So how’d it go?” someone back at the station asked.
“Wild goose chase” was the reply.
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Viagra Advertisement

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Arriving in Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.St. Peter asks,

"Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says,

"Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says,

"I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions,

but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies,

"and they think they're the only ones here."
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Signs

ODD SIGNS

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill.

However, if you don't, you will be.

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Music

Roy Orbison......Unchained Melody

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Coffee differences

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

Well, the outcome is dependent on your cultural proclivities:

The Italian throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli sells the coffee to the Frenchman,

sells the fly to the Chinese,

sells the cup to the Italian,

drinks a cup of tea,

and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

Ah, but what does the Palestinian do with his fly infested coffee?

I thought you'd never ask

.The Palestinian blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee,

protests the act of aggression to the UN,

takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee,

uses the money to purchase explosives

and then blows up the coffee house

where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German

and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli

that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.

Note: the war weary Israeli was wearing full body armor,

so he lived to tell us this tale.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

194
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The Worlds most obedient dog


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stolen from Bits and Pieces
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Boudreaux and Clarence
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like no way at all.
Dey all de time yell & cuss across de bayou at eachudder.
Boudreaux's a yellin to Clarence, 'You ol' mudbug! If I had me a way to cross dis bayou,
I'd come over dere an beat up on you good, yeah!'
Dis went on for years.
Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses
and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say,
'Now is you chance, Beaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat ol Clarence like you say?' Boudreaux say, 'OK, 'Mon Cher ... and he start across da bridge,
but he see a sign on da bridge an he stop to read it,
den he go back to da houseboat.
Marie say, 'Why you back so soon, Beau?'
Boudreaux say, 'Mon Cher, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
You know dis, Marie, dey got dem a sign on dat dere bridge dat say,
'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'
Seem like he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou.'

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Cartoons...........The Wonderful World of Animals

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive,

so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around,

my zip code keeps changing."

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Beached Whale in New Zealand

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A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist.

One day, one of his experiments paid off.

He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog.

The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.
For many years, the dog was happy.

But over time, he became lethargic and morose.

The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.

Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.

The dog was just ...
... a little melon collie.
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.

There was an island in the middle of the lake,

over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle,

and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp

and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires,

all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires.

Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire.

This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree.

He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came,

the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight

(this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared,

the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom,

having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,

thus proving ...
... that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires

of the other two sides.

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In the early days

living in their squalid apartment,

all three dream of success

In the end however,

Both Bob the spoon

and Eddie the fork

wound up in an old silverware drawer

and only Mack went onto fame and fortune

thanks Duke

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Politics

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says:

"I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer

"I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued:

"and if you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first,

"you know I've got two pigs!"

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more Politics

Circle Flies
A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social function where

Hillary Clinton is trying to gather more support for her nomination.

Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican,

she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called.

But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.

They're called circle flies because they're almost always found

circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks,

"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies,

"I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Se nator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, . .

"Hard to fool them flies though !"

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Religion

At a fundamentalist church revival, Leroy gets in line,

and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,

and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head,

lifts his eyes and head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands,

stands back and asks Leroy:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says,

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."

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Music

Roy Orbison......Windsurfer



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

193

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Happy new Year...Michael Buble

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An American, a Canadian and a Scotsman go to Heaven
On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Scot were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American,
he awoke and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.
"Well," said the American,
"I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light,
and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die,
and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150,
and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors,
"But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scotsman was haggling over the price
and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

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Stole these three links from A Welsh View
Boston.com has accumulated many of the great photos from 2008
Take a look

part one of the best 'Big Pictures' from 2008.
The Best 'Big Pictures' Of 2008 Part 2
The Best 'Big Pictures' Of 2008 Part 3

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Welcome 2009



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A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay.
At first they remained closeted,
but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous,
they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better
if they were forthcoming about their sexuality.
The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans
to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian.
And the son'll come out tomorrow.

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Games Seniors play


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They have to useful for something



You light up my Life




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Cartoons

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Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.

"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite.That's why they don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused.

"They don't like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes to write."

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Love Defined

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Had a couple of phone calls from Elvis Fans after my Motivator Picture

of Fat Elvis in the last blog

So this is for you Peter [and all the other Elvis fans]

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Get with it

An old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the

neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise,

he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise

and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home

and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape

with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by

carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat"

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Give me a call

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Auld Lang Syne

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are

understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.