Friday, February 27, 2009

212



Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is the last post for several days as I am off to Sydney/Melbourne for a few days


On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...
Jack was already seated on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit; there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser delivery truck
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Funny Bacon Ad
Thanks Chris and Jo
Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wait for it, any second now!

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day,he brought a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch,
he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said,
"Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!"
Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
CARTOONS.....Men















Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Instrumental Hits
This was an enormous hit in Australia in 1965
Also in Europe, not too sure about the US
Nino Rossi.........IL Silenzio


Nino Rossi 1926-1994
Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bonus
Bert Kaempfert........That Happy Feeling
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.

How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood. (Huh? Is that a gay joke?)
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.










Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me ..
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
'Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





How to tell if a catholic is speeding

Post a Comment


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


............


The Angry King
Once, long ago, a king summoned all his provincial rulers to his castle.
He was in a rather beligerent mood,
and wanted to scare them into giving him extra taxes.
Unknown to him, they met in secret on the way,
and decided that they should agree to pay the extra,
but they would at first pretend to refuse,
so they could try to bargain down the actual amount extra they would have to pay.
They arrived at the king’s castle, and gathered in the audence chamber.
The king made his demands, and as agreed, they started to refuse.
Unfortunately, they hadn’t realised just how beligerent the king’s mood was:
as soon as they started to refuse, he got angry,
and ordered his guards to kill them on the spot.
More than half of them were slain before they even realised what was happening,
and the others had to do some very quick grovelling to survive.
After everything had settled down, those who remained explained to the king their plan,
and the king was filled with remorse for his hasty actions.
The moral of the story?
Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.


stolen from Archies Archive
Post a Comment


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++






+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



You know you're a Floridian if...
..Socks are only for bowling.
..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
..Your winter coat is made of denim.
..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
..Anything under 70 is chilly.
..You pass on the right and honk at the elderly, but pull over for a funeral.
..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
..You could swim before you could read.
..You have to drive north to get to The South.
..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
..You dread lovebug season.
..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances... but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.
..You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.
..You know why flamingos are pink.
..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
…You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
.."Down South" means Key West
.."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola
..You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
..Shoes are for business meetings and church.
..No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.
..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
..You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida
..You measure distance in minutes.
..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
..All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
.You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
..You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.
..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda coke you want?"
..Anything under 95 is just warm.
..You've hosted a hurricane party.
..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar and Go Gators.
..You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.
..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
..You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."
..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
..You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!
..You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba ".
.. It's a perfect 72 degrees outside, but you run the A/C just to keep mildew from growing on your shoes.

Post a Comment


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Its time to post a few more Bear Pictures









pictures stolen from Dilidoo.com - in fun we trust!

Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Seniors - don't mess with them!
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other,
'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes
."Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You're doing well. Only two left."
Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A new way to catch the train to the airport


Post a Comment












Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






Wednesday, February 25, 2009

211






Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,
his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank
and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant.
"So?""Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?""Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?""Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes.
"Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years
. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

stolen from Miss Cellania
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This very funny
Louis CK on the Conan O'Brien show
Everything is amazing.Nobody is happy

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Where is "Worksafe" when you need them














Post a Comment


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street
."Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past twoweeks?
Nobody seen you around!"
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach,
and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and a-kickin and a-yellin".
Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How Penguins Travel


stolen from nonamedufus
Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The latest trend in shoelaces
Post a Comment


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop . .
. maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop . . .
given luck and God's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely.
But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion.
So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope . . .
but I'm hardly likely to become . . . hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible.
If a Pole can, why not an Englishman again?
Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope.
And after Pope what?"
The priest looks at him in surprise,
"After Pope? There's nothing after Pope!
I mean, there's just God above the Pope . . . I can't become God."
"So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."
Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Rubens Tube

Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CARTOONS.....Cellphones











Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have a question
A father and son went fishing one day.
While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked,
"How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father,
"Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father,
"Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied,
"Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some more funny signs











Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Instrumental Hits
This one is a bit obscure, but nonethe less was very popular down under
Joe Loss and his Orchestra...March of the Mods

Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A man was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly
found himself surrounded by fierce-looking natives!
As they moved closer, he remembered an old trick he saw in a movie.
Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked the flame towards the leader of the
natives.
Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped,
"Wow! That's incredible!"
"You'd better believe it's incredible," said the man,
all the while waving the flame at him.
"It certainly is," says the leader.
I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Cool Vibrator


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Thanks David J
Post a Comment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





Post a Comment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




A foursome of guys are waiting to tee off,
while another forsome of women is hitting off from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit off, she hacks the ball about ten feet.
She goes over to it, lines it up, takes an almighty swing and misses it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet,
quietly cursing under her breath.
She glances up at the patiently waiting men and snarls,
"I guess all those f******g lessons I took over the winter didn't help one little bit."
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it; you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
Poor bastard, he never even had a chance to duck!

Post a Comment


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=





Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.