+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. Myhusband has been cheating on me. "That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?" "Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman." "Who was this other woman?" the judge asked. "I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them." "I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I waswith had already seen the picture."
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the rednecks finally catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Bad Day Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans. A car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens, and slams shut. Suddenly more crashing, clattering and cussing. Finally John comes into the house with his golf clubs, almost continuously scowling and cussing. "What's the matter, dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary. "A rotten day! A ROTTEN DAY! I'll say I did. What a miserable round of golf! It was the worst ever! In fact, I only hit two good balls all day! And the worst of that is, I wouldn't have hit them either... if I hadn't stepped on that rake in the garage!" stolen from Hale @It occurred to me Post a Comment
"I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast.
After I'd been there a few hours (and several, several drinks),
I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.
She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist.
She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built!
The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck.
Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I went over and stuck up a conversation with her
(don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting).
Well, one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place
and being the gentleman I am, I said "OK."
I'm not going to go into all the details of the night (mainly because I don't remember),
but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.
I thought now this is great! I think I might have a keeper here.
I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered, "Where's your daughter?" She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said,
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points His wife rolls over and says, what in the world was that. The old man replied, It's Fart Football. A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, Tie Score. After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, Touchdown, Tie Score Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, Field goal, I lead 17 to 14, now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidently craps in bed The wife says, What the hell was that.? The old man says, Half time, switch sides. Thanks Gordon H
Disclaimer All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Friday, April 24, 2009
227
ANZAC DAY APRIL 25th 2009
Using letters, diaries and photographs,The Sunday Agerecounts events through the eyes of the diggers who battled on amid despair and death. Jonathan King reports. APRIL.... THE LANDING The great challenge for the Anzacs on April 25 was to land at Anzac Cove
against formidable opposition from the Turks and then dig in. We are now within a mile of the shore and the din has increased . . .
the whole side of the mountains seems to be sending forth tongues of flame
and the bullets fairly rain upon us . . .
the water is churned up from rifle fire, machine-guns,
Maxims, shrapnel and common shells . .
seven of the boys in our boat are killed and God knows how many in the others
.Anonymous soldier, the 3rd Brigade Our boat's bottom scratches the rocky shore . .
we wade ashore with the feeling that we are at least one of the first to put foot on Turkish soil . . . silent forms lay scattered on the beach everywhere:
some gone to their last resting place, some writhing in their last agonies,
others with their life-blood fast oozing out . .
Anonymous soldier It was a remarkable day and a day in which it was easy to pick out the wasters
also the brave men.
I am delighted with our Australian troops, the way they take the gruel is splendid.
At times there was a shortage of ammunition and reinforcements were badly wanted.
But seeing they had landed everything under shell fire,
I should say they did very well
Private T. J. Richards MAY..... BURYING THE DEAD The Anzacs organised a truce with the Turks so they could bury their comrades
who had been killed since the landing. Had a darn good sleep and got up at about 6am and issued rations to the chaps.
Then the shrapnel began and it hailed around about us
and hit everything around me but myself
We deepened our sleeping place about three feet
but it was not deep enough.
Captain D. B. A. King Our troops made a successful advance and,
according to the number of injured coming in,
they paid dearly for it. What a pitiful sight they presented.
They had been 20 hours lying all over the place with great gaping wounds.
Some had both legs broken
and the pain they endured coming down the steep sides was almost unendurable.
Lieutenant F. T. Small The armistice began for the purpose of burying the dead.
The smell is something awful.
Some of the bodies have been lying in the heat of the sun for four weeks
and of course all are unrecognisable.
It is only by identification discs that the corpses are known.
The ground was simply covered with dead between the trenches
and estimates of 12,000 Turks killed have been made. Amongst this awful mass of dead Turks were some of our boys
who had been killed on the first and second days' fight
and had lain there since.
The bodies were horrible to look at being black and swelled up
stretching out the clothing and, in many cases,
when they were touched, falling to pieces.
William Dexter JUNE ....ALL QUIET ON THE FRONT LINE After the difficult landing in April and fighting in May, both sides ceased fighting. I have established a little prayer meeting in my dug-out on Pope's Hill.
Sometimes we sing a well-known hymn,
Nearer, my God to Thee, and the sound is wonderfully inspiring.
Chaplain E. N. Merrington We have not had our clothes off for five weeks
and it was most pleasant to strip off and have a dip in the sea.
The weather here is glorious just at present and I am in the best of health.
Private F. W. Muir The trenches are ridiculously quiet considering war is on
and often perfect quiet prevails to be broken by the pot of a single snipe
or the dismal squeal of a shell.
Lieutenant R. W. McHenry JULY ......TALK OF MUTINY The debilitating heat stalled fighting
and there was talk of mutiny among the Australians. I would not care a rap if 75 per cent of our officers had a wooden cross over their heads.
Half of our duty men are taken up digging most secure dug-outs for officers
or washing shirts for them in half a bucket of water
while other men are almost famished for a drink
By God, if ever I am asked to dig a dug-out for one or wash their shirts
I will be shot at daybreak for refusing to obey an order on active service.
Private J. K. Gammage The captured Turks who surrendered reckon that we are great shots.
They are full of admiration for our shooting and fighting generally
and admit being terrified
Sergeant C. Bosward AUGUST ....BATTLE FOR LONE PINE AND THE NEK Having consolidated their positions and obtained reinforcements,
the British ordered the Australians over the clifftops on a mission impossible
with dire consequences. One hundred and fifty men of the 8th Light Horsemen jumped out of the trench
but were all mown down within 30 seconds,
sinking to the ground as though their limbs suddenly became string.
They were waiting, ready for us and simply gave us a solid wall of lead.
Sergeant Cliff Pinnock It was a truly awful sight.
Once more the long procession of wounded, dirty, ragged, torn and bloody men
came down from the Nek to the dressing station
while others lay just 25 yards (23 metres) in front of the trench in the hot sun
not daring to move till night when some of them might be able to crawl slowly back.
Corporal Alec Riley As we captured Lone Pine we felt like wild beasts
and as fast as our men went down another would take his place
but soon the wounded were piled up three or four deep
and the moans of our poor fellows and also the Turks we tramped on was awful.
Private Tom Billings SEPTEMBER.... DISEASE STRIKES With so many soldiers now stationed at Gallipoli,
the poor food supplies and sanitation triggered an outbreak of disease. In the morning we get a piece of bacon, a pint of tea and hard biscuits,
perhaps a loaf of bread.
For dinner, we have water, tea and sugar, and for tea we have bully beef stew.
Sapper V. Willey The general health is bad with as many as 50 per cent of the men unfit for duty
and unless relieved there will be, to a certainty, a severe epidemic
of pneumonia, dysentery and enteric fever as the resisting power
to disease is practically nil.
War Diary of the 12th Infantry Brigade You ought to see the Anzac fleas, millions of them,
and other things that crawl and stick closer than a brother.
My blanket nearly walks by itself.
Captain Bill Knox OCTOBER ......TRADING TUCKER WITH THE TURKS The frontline soldiers had been at Gallipoli and inactive for so long
they began chatting to the Turks in the trenches,
often less than 10 metres away. The more one sees of it, the more one realises the
rottenness and horror of the whole business.
God knows I do want to do my bit and am far from having cold feet,
but any reasonable-minded man must wonder what the outcome will be -
war is not a very pleasant thing, old girl.
Captain Bill Knox Extraordinary friendly exchanges between the Turks
and our fellows this morning early.
Some of our chaps ran right over to the enemy trenches and
exchanged bully, jam, cigarettes etc.
The whole business was wonderful and proves how madly unnecessary
this part of the war is.
Lieutenant T. E. Cozens Some graves are very artistically finished,
done in some cases by the brothers of the dead,
others have simply a bottle with a piece of paper with the name inside.
It is very touching.
Anonymous, 20th Battalion NOVEMBER .....LORD KITCHENER VISITS As the soldiers had made so little headway,
the British military command had decided to send Minister for War Lord Kitchener
to determine if Gallipoli should be evacuated. Today (November 13) Lord Kitchener landed here.
All the chaps on the beach gave him a cheer when he stepped ashore.
He addressed a small party of colonials
and told them he had a special message from the King.
He was to thank them all on the King's behalf
and to say he was more than proud of our doings.
F. A. Weeks We are now down to half-issue water.
Private A. West Had another storm last night. It was such as I have never seen before,
and hope never to see again.
The wind was something terrible - it was quite impossible to stand up in it.
The trenches are terrible.
Captain Ivor Williams The first fall of snow fell tonight. We spent a cold, wet and miserable night.
The ground was frozen.
In our supports trenches we have no overhead cover.
Our clothes and blanket wet through.
The snow is a beautiful sight, no doubt.
We are past admiring scenery just now.
We are on half rations, biscuits and cheese.
How we hate the sight of those biscuits.
Private John Henry Turnbull DECEMBER..... EVACUATION Although the Anzacs were holding out well,
the British military command evacuated Gallipoli before the bitter winter set in. We have had a foresight of what it would be to put the winter in here
as we had a torrential downpour of rain recently.
It came down the hills as if a huge dam had been dug away
and simply swamped the trenches.
P. O. Bert Webster What makes the men growl is seeing immaculately dressed British staff officers
walking about washed and shaved asking silly damned questions.
I am fairly convinced I am becoming a bit of a Socialist.
Captain Bill Knox Everything points to the early evacuation of the Peninsula.
It will be a thunderbolt to Australia.
There is no doubt this peninsula part of the war has been the greatest failure.
Lieutenant J. G. Cosson We left in small parties, I had 28 men and left the trenches at 5.15pm.
Each ranks carried two match-head grenades as well as ammunition
and as we marched on to the pier we threw them into the water.
It was a great success and I don't know yet whether the Turks know we have gone.
Lieutenant N. E. McShane The evacuation from Anzac was not by any means a defeat,
but it became obvious we could do no good there and were getting hell
from the new, bigger Turkish guns,
but we had attempted the impossible at the Dardanelles
and the Turks can make a very good story of their victory.
Captain Bill Knox
Acknowledgments
Gallipoli Diaries: The Anzacs Own Story Day by Day by Jonathan King (Simon & Schuster)
Australian War Memorial, Canberra
Mrs Diana Baillieu, Mrs Mary Burke, Mrs Kate Campbell
This was printed in the Sunday Age a couple of years ago
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Quite a few of my readers rang me and commented on this video
For those , here it is again
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ANZAC DAY IS FAST APPROACHING..... This is a poignant reminder that we do have Australians serving in different parts of the world.....
Mowing the grass I hope the picture will go through for you - of this Australian Digger in Afghanistan with his tiny "plot" of grass in front of his tent. It's heartwarming! Here is a soldier stationed in Afghanistan; posted to a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt (Australian soil), fertilizer, and some grass seed so that he can smell the grass, and feel it grow beneath his feet. When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on, they take turns walking through the grass in Australian soil - to bring them good luck. If you notice, he is even cutting the grass with a pair of a scissors. Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we don't stop and think about the little things that we take for granted.
thanks Jane +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
226
Haven't posted for a few days , as have been in and out of the city .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republican. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat. "Democrat!" I shouted.. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
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Cartoons.......Doctor's
Doctor Joke Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,
"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." Nigel is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,
a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Nigel asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
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Lawyers
My Daddy Is A Lawyer While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,
their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration
.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
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There was big explosion at a pie factory
,3.14759265 dead
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Funny Signs
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SOME CLASSIC ONE-LINERS
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"
.8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
“Is it common?”
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start!"
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
'18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin,
or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your round.” The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So, that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies
so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Disclaimer All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
225
April 25th [next Saturday]' is ANZAC Day in Australia and New Zealand Andre Rieu and Melissa Venema----------Il Silenzio The 'last post' is universal among almost all the armed forces of the world. In this video the trumpet is played in its entirety, and it is a sad and beautiful thing to hear.. Enjoy
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Is this your dog??
Maybe you should hang this in his kennel
Instructions for cleaning the toilet: 1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo. 2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet. 3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid .4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself. 5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle. 6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door. 7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door .8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean .With best wishes,The Dog
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Mc Dive
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Explaining the Flag A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American."Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!" -------------------------------------- Taxes Remitted There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3,407USD. [Somewhat less than £2,000] He packaged up his payment and included this letter :Dear IRS,Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). Screws $22 This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw' . (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'. Sincerely, Disgruntled of Oklahoma.
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New Golf Lingo..... Some new lingo to use when you're out on the course... A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed An 'OJ.'- got away with one A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
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Bee sting A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’ ‘I was stung by a bee’, she said. ‘Where’, he asked. ‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
"What`s the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:
"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can`t get out of here with an 8-iron."
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.
A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.
An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you.
The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War
against the other two.
See, you need to do something world-famous."
A German added, "Yes, he's right.
Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.
They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it.
They then went back to report it to the group.
The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw:
it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation.
There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert.
Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.
One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to
dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"
To which a Polish man replied,
"Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it
because there were all these Italians fishing off it."
Post a Comment ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are
understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Monday, April 13, 2009
224
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Just wanted to let you know that the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'non intrusive method.' TheFBI says you will hardly notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below: http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions. "The guy bought the bird and took it home. Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word. The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird. Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath. And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell. Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company. You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead."What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner. "Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any bloody birdseed at that pet store?'"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked,'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head? ''Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'. Post a Comment
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A Star is Born This morning I was reading Jonco's blogBits and Piecesand he had posted a video fromBritain's Got Talent. It was an inceredible video of 47 year old Susan Boyle on the show Not much more than 12 hours later embedding this video from You Tube was denied However, here is the link for it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbitsandpieces%2Eus%2F&feature=player_embedded Do your self a favour and watch it. Its brillant
His first jump
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·I called the Italian Embassy today to offer my wife's assistance after the earthquake. She's great at finding faults. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To avoid it Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.. Walk for at least an hour a day, Go for a swim, Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc. Wash your hands often.If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it..
.When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS
.So....... I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs Can't get you! As Grandmother always said,'
A shot in the glass is better than one in the arse!' Post a Comment
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.
You Know your from Kentucky You know your from kentucky when your dad gets jealous cause you have a boyfriend.
You know your from kentucky when your stereo in your pickup is valued at more than the pickup.
You know your from kentucky when, you can slurp your soup up through your missin tooth.
You know your from kentucky when, you call your grandmother mom and your mom Kathy. You know your from kentucky when, Your dream home sits on the back of your pickup.
You know your from kentucky when, you take a beer to your job interview.
You know your from kentucky when, your neighbors think dsl means "damn stupid lizard."
You know your from kentucky when, every story you tell begins with "Yall aint gonna believe this shit."
You know your from kentucky when, You use the words them and there in the same sentence. example..
Did you see them there damn stupid lizards.
You know your from kentucky when, you wont date a chick cause her brother hasnt screwed her yet, your reason for not dating her being.
If she aint good enough for her own family, she aint good enough for ours..
Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other,
and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says,
"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.
'Did anybody else here see my face?' The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter
and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner. 'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed
how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew
and how they gave back as much as they got.
He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks
and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals
to the sailors coming down the line.
A smile and a cheerful comment,
a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain
stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw
so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section.
He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake. The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked. The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing." The Mess Specialist smiled and said,
"Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?" The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good." The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it." With that the cook grinned, leaned over,
and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half. Post a Comment
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Are you one of the lucky one's for having a wife of yesteryear?
The following Cartoons and jokes are for my good friend Sandee over at Comedy Plus
Smile Sandee!!!!!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?.
.the United States Marines ...
You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs"
.In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years)
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
He was a yacht captain!"
The Safest way to sail
Here are 10 critical steps toward becoming a true, blue blood boating snob.
If you can qualify under at least 7 of these,
I think you can lay claim to the title. 1. Never be seen on your boat. Let your presumed ownership be a rumor, a speculation,
an enigma whispered back and forth across quiet tables in the best restaurants.
Take the old adage, “A gentleman never sails to weather” to the extreme
and NEVER take the boat out.
The ultimate boat snob makes his boat payment and slip payment and pays his yacht club dues. 2) If you must take your boat out, the only acceptable time is the Annual Parade of Boats.
Sorry, the Pirate Parade is for the hoi polloi, not you.
If you participate in the Parade of Boats, your guest list should include
a large cadre of political and social cronies.
If you don’t have such connections of your own, I think they can possibly be rented.
Try your local D or R headquarters.
Another possibility is to get somebody else to take your boat out--a captain or . . .
well, see the caption below. 3) Place free-standing teak furniture around your aft deck.
You know, the teak rockers and teak settees and little teak coffee and end tables.
Nothing says “Big Boat” like patio furniture on your poop deck.
Naturally, your poop deck should be sized to accommodate the furniture
without crowding the string quartet. 4) Yes, the yachty cap. Crisp and new. With the scrambled eggs insignia.
And the matching blue blazer. 5) Yes, the little dog. Well groomed and yappy.
Know his pedigree and be able to recite earnestly who his forebears were.
By contrast, you do not need to know your boat’s pedigree. 6) Have live orchids on display and in such a place that if you ever took the boat out,
they would cast orchid mix all over your oriental carpeting.
Nothing says “we never take the boat out” like houseplants. 7) It doesn’t matter what technology you have on your boat,
or even how old it is (because you never take it out anyway),
but you absolutely must have 2 of everything.
Even if it can’t be seen by the casual observer.
It will be whispered about, speculated on, etc. 8) Fly the ensign from a varnished pole on your aft deck.
That’s for the Boat Parade, of course. Replace it the next year. 9) Name your yacht after your wife,
but only if such name coincides with British royalty (Dianne, Elizabeth, Katherine).
Consider adding a title before the name: Lady ______, Queen _____, Duchess _____.
But not Ms. _______. Not Ms. Connie, not Ms. Maggie, not Ms B. Havin’.
In fact, stay away from puns altogether.
Stay away from fishing jokes like “Happy Hooker.”
Stay away from fishing entirely. Too loud, too fun, too gauche, not jaded enough.
You may use boat names that sound Italian, but not like pizza.
Unfortunately, “Paparazzi,” truly a gem of a name, is already taken. 10) Finally, always refer to your boat as a “yacht,” as in
“I should have you over to my yacht sometime for cocktails.”
Practice saying this in a mirror.
Saying "yacht" instead of "boat," moves the decimal point on the perceived value of your boat one place to the right.
If you will add the word "private," that decimal point moves another place to the right:
"I'll be spending the weekend on my private yacht."
Similarly, refer to your spouse as "Lovey" (works best if your name is Thurston),
Public Service Message WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the place is packed tothe rafters. In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st. Row and shouts at the top of hisvoice, "play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in stevies career, theblind impresario starts to play an e minor scale and then goes into adifficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes, the wholeplace goes wild. The chap jumps out his seat again and shouts, "no. No. Play a jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!" Stevie is a bit cheesed off with this, but being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the b minor chord and really tears the place apart with this impromptu show of his expertise. The crowd goes ballistic, but still the little chinese man jumps up againand shouts, "no. No. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his ability, and shouts from the stage, "ok, smart arse. You get up here and do it!" The little bloke climbs up on the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing, "a jazz chord, to say, i ruv you Post a Comment
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The scientific method A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. Fascinated by the waves, the physicist wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, so he walked into the ocean ... and never returned. The biologist wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean, and so he too walked into the ocean ... and never returned. The chemist waited for a long time. Afterwards, he wrote into his lab book the observation: "This sample of physicists and biologists was soluble in ocean water." Post a Comment
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN INTERNAL MEMORANDUM To all Jihadists, Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization) Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really
come together as a group and I love that!
However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year,
we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,
we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue),
so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning -Rota .. have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster). Second, it's not often I make a video address.
But when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background
or keep doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks. Third -food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently.
I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf.
Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration -that's all I'm saying. Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that,
but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games.
Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey.
Thanks. Fifth -graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F_CKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall it's a lie.
The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain. Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food.
Assam -the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me,
whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future
(with donkeys, there is a grey area). Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks.
I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Steve. Love you lots,
Group Hug. Os. PS -I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing,
so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I'm going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing, returns the following day and asks, 'So Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 'Bravo Murphy lad and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon.' says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes,
taking off everyting including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts,
“HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!
For five years I have not seen any man!”.' 'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.' Post a Comment
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National books about the Elephant The French book.............The Sex Life of the Elephant The English book................Elephants I have Shot on Safari The Welsh book............The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture The American book.............How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants The Japanese book................How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants The Finnish book.................What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People The German book.................A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6 The Icelandic book.................Defrosting an Elephant The Canadian book................Elephants: A Federal or State Issue? The Swedish book.................How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant The Swiss book............The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants The Israeli book...............The Elephant and the Jewish Problem The Danish book....................Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them Post a Comment
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