Sunday, November 29, 2009

282

From now until Xmas some festive songs will open the blog
Here are the first offerings
Run Run Rudolph


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Snoopy's Xmas
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.
Every Friday Old Charlie went to his doctor with lots of things wrong with him.
The doctor thought that he was a hypochondriac.
However Old Charlie died and the doctor fretted about it thinking that
there must have been something he missed.
The worry killed the doctor.
A little later there was a knock on his coffin.
'Yes' he responded.
'It's Old Charlie. Can you give me something for worms?'
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BEER

























thanks Liz Z

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Brand New Key



Brand New Combine Harvester
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came
upon a group of about a dozen boys,
all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked,
"What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied,
"This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.
So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell
the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
The reverend was taken aback.
"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,
"Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with,
"Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,
"All right, give him the dog."
stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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Mans Best Friend









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Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
----
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink.
The bartender asks him if he would like another.
'I think not,' he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
-----
Jean-Paul sartre is sitting at a French cafe,
revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.'
The waitress replies,
'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'

-----------
ELO


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A professor was teaching an introductory anatomy class.
One day, he announced,
"Today I will be lecturing on the contents of the abdomen.
We will take a close look at the liver, pancreas, spleen, duodenum,
jejunum, kidneys, ileum, adrenal glands and other structures."
Just then, a student shouted, "If there's one thing I can't stand, ...
...it's an organ recital!"

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal





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Danny Boy


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its those weirdo's in Pink again














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TOP 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN

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Don't know who wrote this but I gotta pass it on..its good...
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos,
pictures and communicated with Face book and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book,
so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids
could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for
Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitter on, Twee tie and Twittererific Tweet deck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone
and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board,
but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating"
You would think that she could be nicer.
It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.
Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets
and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady,
at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank,
I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years,
but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once
and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms
and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves
but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused
but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,
"Paper or Plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

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Naughty joke
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny,
she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out
dressed in a bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley,
and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.

-----------------------------
How I miss these blokes
Back in the 70's they were a cult band down under
Captain Matchbox and his Whoopee Band



-----------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY






Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
























Wednesday, November 25, 2009

281


LOL

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Happy Thanksgiving America

















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A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested.
Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.
The pizza lets it pass in front of him.
A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through.
Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.
A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach.
The pizza asks they whiskey,
“What’s going on up there?”
”They’re having a really great party”, says the whiskey.
”Really? responds the pizza.
“I think I’ll go up there and take a look”.

stolen from......Miss Cellania
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Puttin on the Ritz
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Think Green


stolen from.....amyoops

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Back to Nam


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Font size

Hot Tub Party [some nice racks]

Thanks Liz Z

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said
"Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said,
"I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees
when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt
and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg"
."Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant,
"You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied.
"I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

thanks Gordon H

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Drunk Tests Fail x 3


thanks David J
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ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course,
and I was beginning my pre-shot routine,
visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine,
seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement:
"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,
when once more the man yelled,
"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back....
"Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet
and let me play my second shot?!"

thanks Don H

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Sex Frogs

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,
'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,
she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower
.2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,
and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .
. NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.
The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says,
'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . Looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
' LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE .... TIME!!!'
thanks Ron H

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Watch your fingers



thanks Liz Z

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Grand dad












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This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.
A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop.
The guy got out, shaking like a leaf.
The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend.
When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.
The cop said there was no reason to be scared.
The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me,
it's just that I've never had sex with a cop before!"

---------------------------------------------



PHILS PHILOSOPHY






Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.