Friday, January 22, 2010

297

The Lost Bagpiper....
a true story.As a bagpiper,
I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man
who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside near Kincardine
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there
.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area,
I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions
.I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch
but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness
and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place
.I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long
but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep.
I played and I played like I'd never played before
, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest .
I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car
.I was opening the door and taking off my coat
when I overheard one of the workers saying,
"I've never seen nothin' like that before..."
Wiping his eyes he added, "
...and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years !!


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Men!!!!!!




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Very funny...watch to the end


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My Football team is better than yours!!!!


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A guy is walking through a fairground one day,
when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious..
. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response.
Then he rubs her wrists.
Nothing.
He even tries mouth-to-mouth.
The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack
. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body.
Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure,
and finally her eyes flutter open
."Oh thank you," she sighs.
Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her, she goes on,
"Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says.
"It was that guy over there.
He kept shouting,
'Rubber balloons! Rubber balloons!"
stolen from Miss Cellania
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The more times I watch this the better it gets.

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Those funny animals










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A guy meets a hunter at the local pub.
"So, what do you hunt?" he asks
."Unicorns," the hunter answers.
The guy was startled, but regains his composure and says,
"Really? How do you do that?"
"I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her.
When it does, I set off a snare."
"Boy, they must be hard to find.
I've heard of them, but I've never seen one," says the guy.
"Yeah," replies the hunter
. "And there ain't many unicorns around, either!"

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Hillbilly Jokes
* How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
* Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: Hey, you sure don't sweat much for a fat woman."
* Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
* What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
* What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!
* How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
* How can you tell if a hillbilly is married? There are tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup truck

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Don Williams



I recall a gypsy woman
Silver coins that jingle jangle,
Fancy shoes that dance in time
.Oh, the secrets of her dark eyes
,They did sing a gypsy rhyme.
Yellow clover in tangled blossoms,
In a meadow, silky green.
Where she held me to her bosom,
Just a boy of seventeen
.I recall a gypsy woman,
Silver spangles in her eyes.
Ivory skin against the moonlight
,And the taste of lifes sweet wine
.Soft breezes blow from fragrant meadows
,And stir the darkness in my mind
.Oh, gentle woman, you sleep beside me
;Little know who haunts my mind
.Gypsy lady, I hear your laughter
,And it dances in my head
.While my tender wife and babies,
Slumber softly in their beds
.I recall a gypsy woman
,Silver spangles in her eyes
.Ivory skin against the moonlight
,And the taste of lifes sweet wine
.I recall a gypsy woman
,Silver spangles in her eyes
.Ivory skin against the moonlight
,And the taste of lifes sweet wine

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A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out,
"Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting
, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"
Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting,
"Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said,
"Can I be of any assistance, my friend?
I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said,
"No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!

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7 comments:

Sandee said...

I loved the cheddar cheese video. I didn't expect that ending.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)

David said...

Hey mate, those aren't football babies they're HOCKEY babies! (Q: How do you know when it's springtime in Toronto? A: The Leafs are out.)

Anonymous said...

Not football, Hockey! Love your Blog.

Rob said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. Humor is a great stress relief.

Phils Phun said...

Hi Sandee, yes it was very funny and well done video
Cheers

Phils Phun said...

Dear David and Anon
Thanks for the correction.
Will see what I can do to correct it
Cheers

Phils Phun said...

G'day Rob
Thanks for that
Smile and the whole world smiles with you.
Cheers