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Stinking hot 42 C today and 40C forecast for tomorrow

Australian singer / song writer Graeme Connors 1988 hit A Little Further North

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Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over

being posted to a dry, desert parish.

He wrote letters to his bishop constantly,

requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable

. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped

.Some time later,

when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches,

he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing

. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church.

There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away.

The archbishop admitted to some confusion,

since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters.

He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert

."At first I was unhappy.

But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archbishop inquired

."The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here.

"And the second?"At this the priest looked askance
"Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon.
They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day."

He looked sheepish at this admission,

but the archbishop just smiled

."Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad.

In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted

"Let me get one for you right away."
Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted,
"Oh, Rosary..."

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Tiger and the Pope

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day

and because of anadministrative mix up the Pope went to hell

and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell,

and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains,

"it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified"

.Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven

and they stop to have a chat

."Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late"

Thanks Liz Z

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Those Funny Animals

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A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around WalMart in a buggy.

Each time she put something in the basket,she would say,

"And here's something for you, Diploma,"

or

"This will make a cute little outfit for you,Diploma,"

and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked,

"Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied,

"I sent my daughter to colleg eand this is what she came home with!"

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Sex Bomb at the Olympics

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Minister

A minister in a little church announced from the pulpit,

"Now, before we pass the collection plate,

I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens

from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.
The Lord doesn't want money from a thief."
That week for the first time in months, everyone gave.

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KIDS

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Tom Waits



for Claire

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Little Johnny went to his first school dance.

He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny

He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny

spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table.

He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance

. She looked him up and down and said

"I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied,

"You can damn well see that I am not."

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Amazing Gentleman

People from Broken Hill will remember from their younger days this Icon of the city.
He used to go to all the public functions...

especially the picture theaters.
And always carried a sugar bag to collect empty Bottles and Cans.
His name was... Albert (Tapper) Torney
Everyone thought he was a bit eccentric and kids would Tease and Hassle him.
But it was discovered he was Very Talented

and only sold the Empty Bottles.
After he died in (1998 aged 86)
His large collection of Model Cars he made from the Aluminum Cans was discovered.
This goes to prove... “You Shouldn’t Judge A Book by its Cover”

here is some of his collection

thanks Josie J


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The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother:

"Mama, I've won the elections,

you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president,

I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between

the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members,

she nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"..

."Her brother's a doctor!"

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Viagra

Boudreaux was out in DA field talkin' wit his friend Thibodeaux.

Thibodeaux said,

"Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere?

Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats.

I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say,

"Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats.

You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, "What's a bull constriptor?"

Boudreaux explains,

"Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes

and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, DA nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm

and bought him DA biggest bull constripter dat dey got

. He brought dat snake to DA barn an let him loose right

in DA middle and just sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time,

I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening.

Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in DA middle of dat barn and slept all day.

He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around

.So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on DA phone,

"Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.

.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says,

"Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do.

Give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to DA radio and de man say

dat Viagra is DA best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!!!!!!!!!!"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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