Wednesday, April 21, 2010

thanks Liz Z
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,” she asks,
“Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says
, “No, I don’t think God would get mad.
Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.
“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad,
and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama,
he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them,
and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
”Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”
“I know,” Melissa says,
“and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could shoot the crap out of him.”

stolen from Roy @ Not2Stiff




Those funny animals


A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination,
a remote camp, at midnight.
The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle,
and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said
, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like,
I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer.
After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant
sleeping there on the cold hard floor,
and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.
Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said,
"Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said,
"It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then,"
he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.

Song for "Vin Vin"

Lucille Starr is from Mallairdville, near Vancouver BC.
She still lives there.
A local theatre produced a musical based on her story last year.
There is a street named after her in Mallairdville



A guy's sitting in a bar having a drink.
All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,
licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear.
He's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.
The next thing he knows, the alien does it again.
This time the guy tells him to quit.
Five minutes later, it happens again.
This time he yells at him to stop.
Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear
.Finally, he jumps up and screams,
" If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
.The alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again.
The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there!
In frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.

stolen from Miss Cellania


Peeing in the bush
Iraqi style
Blast from the Past


Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical
going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor.
The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, you know Walter,
you need to watch your diet and lose a little weight."
"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."
"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor
."Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00.
Just today I had breakfast at 7:30, waited 2 hours,
had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00,
then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here."
"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the doctor
."Yeah," Walter said excitedly.
"More meals and less wait!"





Peter went on vacation to Jamaica.
He thought it would be funny to have his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his John.
The tattoo artist suggested to tattoo the name when having a erection,
the sudden appearance of her name would be a surprise
when she’d give him a treat.
Peter agreed.
An hour later, a bit sore, he walked out of the shop
anticipating Wendy’s reaction later that day.
Flaccid, it read “WY”, but fully erect,
it displayed her name in all its glory.
That afternoon, when standing next to a
tall and muscular Jamaican in the men’s room,
Peter couldn’t help but sneak a peak at his neighbor’s member.
What he saw surprised him: the Jamaican had “WY”
tattooed on his John.
“So, your girlfriend’s name is Wendy too, huh?
I noticed your tattoo.”
“No man,” retorted the neighbor.
“When it’s erect, it reads:
‘Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a nice day’!”
stolen from Roy @ Not2Stiff



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1 comment:

Sandee said...

Loved the democrat video. That's a good one.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)