Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Had several emails about Israel
So for those, here is some more


My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup,
and again during the year if any medical needs arise
. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house
that is much larger than he needs,
but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others
who go out and earn a living every day
. I was just thinking about all this,
and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
Holy Cow, my cat is a Democrat!


Sorry, but this cracked me up


· Hotel Related Incident
A man checks into a hotel in Auckland

while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised

in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street

near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique,
a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs.....
. well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage

and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one..
No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic,

but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.


strange but funny young collector


Computers and the Internet


GPS advert


Signs a Amish Youngster Is In Trouble

* Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM

.* In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets

.* Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup

.* When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou Sucketh!"

* His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

* Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

* You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks

.* Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

* Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

* He's wearing his big black hat backwards!



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,

where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand,
extend your arms straight out from your sides
and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax
.Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try
to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level,
put a potato in each bag.

thanks Liz Z

Observations on getting old
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them..
.but your grandchildren are perfect!~

Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...movies, hotels, flights,
but you're too tired to use them.~

You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15
and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.~

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ...
. especially golf or tennis.~

Your husband (or wife ) is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.~

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that youdon't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the
TV blaring than he does in bed.It's called his "pre-sleep".~

Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!~

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"~

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

.~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .... were unheard of,
and a mouse was somethingthat made you climb on a table.~

You used to use more 4 letter words .... "what?"..."when?" ???~

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.~

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ..
.next week it will be 8:30 P.M.~

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.~

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!~

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.~

Everybody whispers.~

Now that your husband has retired .... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!~

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.~~~~

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies,
And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

This is what we have to look forward to

A biker and his babe
This is what happens when your kids take away your drivers license

thanks Ron H


Blast from the Past


Whince upun a thyme, there was a man who married in his youth
the most perfect woman for him.
She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent, sexy
and she loved her husband dearly.
It caused him the utmost grief when she died not long after their marriage,
and he mourned her for many years.
In time he overcame his grief and married again,

but this woman was pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore,
was witty only in a painfully sarcastic way,
was independent only because she could find no one to be dependent on,
was never sexy, and if she loved her husband,
it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable.
He soon regretted his decision to marry again,
and booted the nagging witch as quickly as possible.
After more time, the man eventually found another woman

who was at least the equal to his first wife,
if not better.
He was in luck, she did not die,
nor did she prove a harpy after the vows were made,
and they lived many happy years and had several children.
It did not take him long, in fact
, to get over what had proven to be a very brief mid-wife crisis.


Time Flies



Men and Women

thanks Peter H



Young doctor
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains
, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach
.'The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating
and see if that does the trick?
'As they left, the younger man said,
'You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably was making her sick.''
Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever,
I think I'll try that at the next house.
'Arriving at the next house,
they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,
'I'm feeling terribly run down lately
.''You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,'
the younger doctor told her
.'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps
.'As they left, the elder doctor said,
'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct,
but how did you arrive at it?''
I did what you did at the last house,
I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the preacher under the bed



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1 comment:

Sandee said...

Loved the democrat stuff. Right on the money. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)