336

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Breaking news:

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring

around the leaking pipe & it quit putting out

thanks Liz Z

----------------------------

Football (soccer to Americans)

It's just before England v France at the Millennium Stadium,

an important European Championship qualifier game.

David Beckham goes into the English changing room

to find all his team mates looking a bit glum

."What's up?" he asks

."Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.

We know it's important but it's only France.

They're sh*t and we can't be bothered"

Beckham looks at them and says

"Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself,

you lads go down the pub."

So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself

and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going,

so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

"England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)"

He is beating France all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later

and the game is forgotten until someone remembers

"It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Millennium Stadium :

England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against France!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit

, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them

."I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself

And they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down.

I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!!!!"


------------------------------

---

------------------------

Those Funny Animals

thanks to Toni and Slavenka from whom I stole most of the above cartoons

-----------------------

The ad in the local newspaper read:

"Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, a woman called,

and bought the dog, sight unseen and asked if the dog could be delivered.

The next day a van pulled up

and left her the scruffiest, mangiest, looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.

"What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Oh, don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied.

"He's undercover."


thanks Toni

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------

Greek Nun
Outside a small Macedonian village,

close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia,

a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.

She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments.

The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros,

the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

The Huns are believed to have first collected

and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.

It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system

and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century

and the convent was built,

church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed,

so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends:

No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

----

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

-

------------------------

This is brilliant but a bit addictive.

HOW FAST ARE YOU


The driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds........

or 1 car length for every 10 mph......

Test your average reaction time.

Be very careful this can be addictive.

Click on the blue link below and good luck

.Reaction Test


thanks Gordon H

--------------------

------------------

Mr. Johnson has been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years

suggests they take a cruise

"We could go somewhere for a week and make wild love

like we did when we were young!" she says.
The old fella thinks it over and agrees.

He puts on his hat and goes to the pharmacy,

where he buys a bottle of seasickness pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home, his wife says:

"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."
So, Mr. Johnson walks back to the pharmacy

and asks for 12 bottles of seasickness pills and a box of condoms.

When he returns, his wife says:

"You know, since the children are on their own,

what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he goes again,

where he takes 297 bottles of seasickness pills

and three boxes of condoms up to the counter.

The pharmacist finally has to ask:

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over 30 years.

I certainly don't mean to pry,

but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you keep doing it?"


-----------------

Blast from the Past

[1992]





----------------------------


Chess

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-------------------




OOPS!!!

Fiat Uno caught doing 204kmh

----------------------------

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him,

"Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay.

He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour.

A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem

and passed a hat around.

Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."

"Incredible, " said the client.

"Who were these kind people?"

"The passengers on the bus."

----------------------

Cops

------------------

This was sent to me by my good friend Duke

THANKS AUSTRALIA

Written by an Australian Dentist
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news,

but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan

had published in a newspaper,

an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American,

any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day

to let everyone know what an American is .

So they would know when they found one.

(Good one, mate!!!!)
'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish ,

Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese

, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho,

Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan

The only difference is that in America

they are free to worship as each of them chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion....

For that he will answer only to God,

not to the government, or to armed thugs

claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land inthe history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence ,

which recognizes the God given right of each person

to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous.

Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world

in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.........
When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago,

Americans came with arms and supplies

to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11,

Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan ......
The national symbol of America ,

The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor,

the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.

These in fact are the people who built America
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers

the morning of September 11 , 2001 earning a better life for their families.

It's been told that the World Trade Center victims

were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages,

including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must.

Hitler did. So did General Tojo , and Stalin , and Mao Tse-tung,

and other bloodthirsty tyrants in the world.

But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself .

Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place.

They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.

Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.


---------------------------

-------------------

The guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde lady's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.

Each time he calls for a beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hits her boobs,

the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts..

.AND SHE DECKSHIM!!!

.He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning,

"Jeez...then why do you let the bartender do it?"

Get ready...here it comes......... .

."Because," says the blonde,

"he has a licker license !"

-------------------------



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

-------------------

But I'll leave you with this