338

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World Cup jokes
What's the difference between the England Team and a tea bag ?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer

-

I'm shocked at Rooney's outburst after the Algeria game

Who knew he could even string a sentence together

-

Capello noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping bags

so stopped to ask her,

"Can you manage dear" ?

The old lady replied,

"No way, you got yourself into this messso don't ask me to sort it out"

-

.What do you call an English man in the knockout stages of the World Cup ?

A referee

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What's the difference between Rooney and Shrek ?

Shrek can save the day

-

OXO have brought out a new cube

- it's wrapped in white with a red cross on it,

it's called the laughing stock

-

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Rooney ?

The jet engine eventually stops whining

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Two starving cannibals, a father and son,

were out trying to get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came a little old man.

The son said,
“Oh Dad, there’s one.”
“No”, said the father.

“There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs

We’ll just wait.”
A little while later, along came a really fat man.

The son said,
“Hey dad, he’s big enough.”
“No”, the father said.

“We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one

. We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said,
“Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad,

let’s eat her.”
“No”, said the father

. “Were not going to eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because, we’re going to take her back alive,

and eat your mother”.

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thanks Gordon H

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Those Funny Animals

thanks Toni
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Lahore Pakistan

Dewsbury England

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McGregor, Texas
This weekend I was driving along near Waco (Texas),

just passing through the small town of McGregor

when I noticed this poster.

I immediately made a legal U turn and went back to take a picture

so I could share this with you.
The building is designated as a storm shelter area

I wonder if it's a city building, but I don't know.

I am surprised that it hasn't been circulated online

or taken down by the city.

thanks Liz Z

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Blast from the Past

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Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting

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For Robert
[who misses the AFL]


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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye

while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor

in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through,

and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye

and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor,

"there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde,

"But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

--

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired

of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid

. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart

While her husband is off at work,

she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,

she gets down to the task at hand

.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife

lying on the floor in a pool of sweat

He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka

and a leather jacket at the same time

.He goes over and asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies

that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,

and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions

on the paint can and it said.

."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

thanks Josie

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Once upon a time in England,

a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population,

who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her.

The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food.

When she found out about this, she turned green with rage,

but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade,

and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen

in a position that made her a perfect sundial,

and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today,

people often refer to

Mean Green Witch Time.

--

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How to get low fat milk





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Doctors and Nurses

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

But I'll leave you with this


-

Some say love, it is a river

that drowns the tender reed

.Some say love, it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

an endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken

,who cannot seem to give

,and the soul afraid of dyin

'that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been to long,

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

,just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snow

lies the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose.

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

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