375

-

**********

Blast from the Past

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Couples Alternate Golf Shot Tournament

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club,

but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four,

and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer)

, "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods

.Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it."

He spent five full minutes looking for the ball.

He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball

just two feet from the hole on the green.

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole."

She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.

The husband, still retaining his composure,

marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill,

and amazingly holed the shot from there

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said,

"Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok.

She snapped back at him,

"Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!"

****************

******

Those Funny Animals

-

-------------

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.

(I thought it was Forty!)

but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.

The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun (hmm....) and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.

(Don't get too excited guys, read on....).

Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends

and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down

by his doctor instead of by the policeman.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution

is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,

and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:

the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor,

you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway,

and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.


*****************



-

Yep! It's those people at Walmart again

note.. probation ankle bracelet

thanks Duke

-

-
*************

SOMETHING AUSSIE

Australian Rock and Roll pioneer

This version was recorded in the States

Aussies listening to this will hear an extra 30 seconds at the end

which was not released on the Australian version

*****************

------

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease

and his doctor told him he could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed

. Ruby was a dark eyed, big breasted lady,

who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him

,"Tell me Mr.Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed

."Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow,

"is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly

.Mendel licked his lips.

"Maybe a little cookie?"


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thanks David T

************

*******************

Waitress

A waitress became violently ill while at work

and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table

and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,

"Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."


**************


OOPS!!!

thanks Gordon H

**************

----

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC,

`Your Concept Car.'

Among its cutting-edge femifeatures: --

Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command,

all retail outlets within 500 miles

-- Permanent press fenders.

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

*****************

Warning bit rude..


thanks Geoff C


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Doctors

**************

A couple of young children are at day care one day

when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says,

"Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks

.The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy.

"I have no ideawhat that means..."

The little girl smirks and says,

"Perfect. You can be the husband."




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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

***********************

but i leave you with my favorite Ventures hit







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