380

thanks Liz Z
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great way to start your day by watching this

stolen from The Word Mechanic

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Texan

A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party

.Madonna spied him and started flirting with him.

"Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like."

"Welllll," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom.

She removed her clothes and his clothes,

then engaged in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him.

After they were done, she again asked suggestively,

"Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?"

"Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl,

"I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."

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Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears.

"Oh Marie," she said to her maid

, "I have reason to suspect that my husband ishaving an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped.

"You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

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Those Funny Animals

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8 Days of Christmas [Canadian Style]

8 comic books
7 packs of smokes
6 packs of two-fours
5 GOLDEN TOUQUES![hats]
4 pounds of back-bacon
3 french toasts
2 turtlenecks
and a beer... in a tree


thanks Hank and Marj K

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A woman goes into Fishing Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one

and goes over to the counter.

A Shop assistant is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway

.He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod

with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line.

It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by

the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor

.“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed,

but then realizes there is no way the blind assistant

could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says,

“That will be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

“Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am.

The rod and reel is $20.00,

but the Duck Call is $11.00

and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”

stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus

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----

Try this

A few of these are pretty easy for us oldsters

but with all the imports on the road today some are very tough.
Think you know cars?

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Can Penguins Fly?

stolen from Miss Cellania

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A Few Funny Signs

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Blast from the Past

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The Proper King's English
You English majors and wordsmiths will appreciate this old and fading art of writing:

In this world of hi-tech,

I have noticed that many who text messages

and email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this category,

please take note of the following statement below:
'Capitalization is the difference between helping

your Uncle Jack off a horse

and helping your uncle jack off a horse.'
I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important!
thanks Gordon H

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What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere!

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azhim!


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There were once two brothers called William and Wayne.

Will was 12-years-old and his little brother was three.
The neighbors noticed they always went around together.

If William went down to the ballpark,

his little brother would toddle along behind him.

And when Wayne went to playgroup,

his older brother would come and sit there with all the toddlers.
One neighbor thought this was really strange

, so one day he leaned over the fence

and asked the boys' mother why they were so inseparable,

even though they had nothing in common.
"Well," the mother replied, "Didn't you know?
Where there's a Will there's a Wayne."


-----

I recall hearing about a baseball game where a superstar pitcher

was on his way to a strikeout record.

Strangely, he would disappear into the dugout whenever his team

was at bat and return with a newly laundered uniform.

One of his teammates following him into the dugout

and found that he was washing and pressing his uniforms.

When asked what that was all about, the pitcher replied,

"Well, you have to iron when the strike is hot!"

-- Bob Levi

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LOL



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SOMETHING AUSSIE


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Religious matters

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Vegetative state

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her,

"Just so you know,

I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

******

BONUS



For Ray S


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.