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You know you're in the middle of the outback when.....

a billboard announces "Last McDonalds 500 km" (or more)

......You ask for directions to a particular landmark

or place and are told it's 'just around the corner'. 50 km later down the road,

you finally find it

....You ask where you are and discover it has no name.

.....the landscape looks all the same and hasn't changed in 500 km (ie in N.T, SA, WA.)

....when in getting from town A to town B in a day you manage

to easily listen to all the music in your 10 CD stacker

....there's only one road and you're on it...for hundreds of kms.

....if you don't fill up with petrol NOW,

you won't find another stop for 500 km, by which time it will be too late...

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An old swaggie was walking along a dusty bush road in the blazing midday heat.

He hears a horse-drawn vehicle coming up the road behind him …

then a nice tidy gig, driven by a local squatter,

stops beside him and the squatter calls out;

"G'day old bloke, hop up here and I'll give you a lift!".

The swaggie looks the squatter and his flash clothes up and down

… looks down the road, with its miles of dust and endless cattle gates

… and turns back to the squatter and says;

"No thanks. You can open your own bloody gates!"

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A bloke walks into a house of ill repute and says:
“I’m a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?”
The madam replies $60.
“Wow, what do I get for that?” he asks.
She says:
“A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.”


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A policeman in New South Wales pulled over a driver

who had been weaving in and out of the traffic

He approached the car window and said

"Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor's note.

On it was written:

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.

Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said

"Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.

Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said:

"Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produced a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia;

please don't take the piss out of him"

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An English tourist got himself a job working with

a fence building contractor in the outback

After a few weeks of working with just one other man, he asked the boss "

What is a bloke supposed to do about sex out in this god-forsaken place?"

The boss replied

"Well, the kangaroos aren't bad, mate".

"How in the hell does one do it with a kangaroo?' asked the Pommie.

"Right, we'll catch one and I'll show you" said the boss.

So they caught a kangaroo,

and as they struggled to hold it down the boss looked carefully all around the horizon.

"What are you looking for?" asked tha Pommie.

"I gotta be careful" said the boss,

"I'm going steady with an emu."

Camel riding at dusk on Cable Beach Broome

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An Aussie, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,

throws his glass in theair, pulls out a gun,

shoots the glass to pieces and says,

"In Seth Efricka(South Africa), our glasses are so cheap that

we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Kiwi obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,

throws his glass intothe air, pulls out his gun,

shoots his glass to pieces and says,

"Well mate,in UnZud (EnZed - New Zealand)

we have so much sand to make the glasses

that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Australian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,

throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun

and shoots both the South Africanand the New Zealander and says,

"In Australia we have so many bloody SouthAfricans and New Zealanders

that we don't need to drink with the same onestwice."

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Dump Truck heading for a mining site in WA
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The True Australian

What makes a true Australian?

Have they set some stringent test?

Should he ride a stallion stockhorse

Round some station in the west?

Does he camp at night with ringers

When the dust has turned to mud?

Could you smell the eucalyptus

That is running through his blood?

Does he drift with sunburnt drovers

On the overlanders track?

Should he gallop through the timbers

With a stirring stockwhip crack?

Does he rush down mountain gullies

Chasing brumbies in the scrub?

Would you find him Saturday evening

In some lonely outback pub?

Am I any less Australian

On my green suburban block

Where I’ve never heard the gunfire

As they slaughter starving stock?

Where I can little but imagine

Tragic tales in times of drought.

As I’ve never wandered westward

To the stations further out.

I have never known the horror

When the water holes go dry.

I can only grasp at glimpses

Why a drovers wife would cry.

Am I any less Australian

‘Cause my crops just do not fail?

Or I’ve never humped Matilda

On a dusty trackless trail?

I live in easy splendour

On a manicured city street,

Is it guilt I should be feeling

For the bounty that I eat?

When my taps are never empty

And my grass is always green,

Should I feel regret and sorrow

For the things that might have been?

Now there’s not a single stockman

In the circle of my friends,

But they stick like mates together

And they’ll be there till it ends,

They are plumbers and they’re painters

And I like ‘em just the same;

They’re true Australian Aussies

Who are proud to bear that name.

Written by Bob Miller (The Larrikin)

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Aussie signs

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Bungle Bungles near Halls Creek...NW Australia


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How to wash a road train

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I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout

the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will,

it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup

and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2 If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,

using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Di rt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Di m your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,

it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



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a little bit of tongue in cheek

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

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Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

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Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

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Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

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Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians,

ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!

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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,

to Britain, where everybody loves them.

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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,

and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms

in every sport they played them in.
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Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing,

and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language,

when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

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Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens

were once Outlaw Pommies,

but none of that matters after several beers.


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If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.