393

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I posted this some time back but manyof you have sent it to me again.

It is very funny, no matter how many times you watch it

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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley

when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive,

he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does, with a deep tongue kiss.

After she's finished the biker says,

"Wow! That wasthe best kiss I have ever had!

That's a real talent you are wasting!

You could be famous!

Why are youcommitting suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

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Optical Illusion

What do you see?

see picture at the end of this post

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--#######

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.

He loses his balance, falls in and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim,

and runs down to the bank.

Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked

"To draw out all his savings!"

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Only in Canada

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-

Those Funny Animals

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--

Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said,

"Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you!

An elephant!

A whole, living elephant for just one hundred dollars."

Finklestein said, "Are you crazy?

What do I want with an elephant?"

"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz,

"all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."

"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein.

"Ilive in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it."

But Moskowitz went on:

"Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long.

It is a magnificent beast!

They don't make them like that anymore."

"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming,

"I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor.

Where will I keep an elephant?"

"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz.

"I will tell you what,

I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."

Finkelstein smiled and said,

"Now you are talking!"


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Some Graphs

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Blast from the Past



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Religious Cartoons

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The Queen and President Obama
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport,

\President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London,

where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses,

and continue on towards Buckingham Palace,

waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous

earth shattering f--t ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage

must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The f--t shakes the coach,

but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama,

" Mr. President, please accept my regrets...

I am sure you understand there are some things

that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied:

"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought..

. Until you mentioned it,

I thought it was one of the horses.


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----

A woman calls the police on the 911 line.

When the dispatcher asks her what the problem is, she says,

"Will you send someone out here to get this naked fighter pilot off my lawn?"

The dispatcher sends a unit to the woman's address immediately.

When the police officer arrives, he sees the naked man lying,

unconscious, on the woman's lawn.

He asks the woman what the man's name is, and she replies

"I have no idea -- just get rid of him."

The officer asks the woman, "Don't you know him?"

The woman replies, "I've never seen him before in my life."

"Well then, if you don't know him,

how do you know he's a fighter pilot?" asks the officer.

The woman replies,

"Well, look at him --

he's got a big watch, a little dick, and he was trying to cash a check!"


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Dunking at the basketball



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Always put the paint in the boot or trunk
Pictures of accident on St Johns Bridge on Thursday.

The ambulance driver wouldn’t let the female paramedic

out of the ambulance because she couldn’t stop laughing,

he said it wasn’t professional.

The people in the blue car had the 25lt bucket of paint on the back seat.

thanks David J


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SOMETHING AUSSIE

Fair Dinkum Mate!
If you’re a True Blue Aussie,

then talk the way we do.

Like “Stone the Crows” and “Ridgy Didge”

and “Ow ya goin' Blue”.

Waltz along Matildas and sing of Gundagai,

Talk about the swagmen and eat the big meat pie.
If you’ve never humped a Bluey,

or thrown a boomerang,

And never eaten damper,

with Vegemite or jam;

If you’ve never seen the "Outback",

from Bourke to Timbuktu,

Then sorry mate, but you can’t be,

a “Dinkum Real True Blue”.
Aussie blokes and sheilas,

are “Bonza” through and through,

They’ve camped down by a “Billabong”,

and played a Didgeridoo;

They drive around in Holdens,

and go to “Two-Up Schools”,

They play the game of Rugby League,

and a lot of "Aussie Rules".
Aussies live “Down Under”,

and are very proud of that.

They’ve fought in many battles,

and wear the old "Slouch Hat";

They’ve fished the Murrumbidgee,

and burnt the “Gidgee Tree”.

They’ve hunted “Crocs” at “Walkabout”

with Crocodile Dundee.
Have you heard the Kookaburras laugh,

and the Curlews when they cry,

The Goannas scamper up a tree,

and the “Roos” go bounding by;

Have you seen the signs of nature,

in Australia’s Great Outback,

From Darwin to “The Alice”,

and down The Birdsville Track?
Have you ever sailed in Moreton Bay,

or surfed at Bondi Beach,

Have you ever caught a Melbourne Tram,

or walked down Flinders Street;

Have you journeyed to The Darling Downs,

or crossed “The Great Divide”,

And travelled on “The Nullarbor”

to reach the other side?
Have you been to Tumbarumba,

shooting “Kanga Bloody Roos”,

Have you been down to “The Local”

for a night out on “The Booze”;

Have you travelled The Pacific,

The Bruce, The Sturt and Hume,

Have you ever seen “The Min-Min Light”,

and been across to Broome?
If you’re a "Dinkum Aussie",

and done what Aussies do,

You must be feeling very proud,

to be a real "True Blue";

No matter what part of Australia,

The north, south, east or west,

By being a "Fair Dinkum Aussie",

you’re one of the world's very best.

reposted from Miss Cellania
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Oodna-bloody-datta

The bloody town’s a bloody cuss,

No bloody trams, no bloody bus.

And no-one cares for bloody us

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

Just bloody heat and bloody flies,

The bloody sweat runs in your eyes

And if it rains, what a surprise

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

No bloody fun, no bloody games,

No bloody sport, no bloody dames.

Won’t even give their bloody names

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

No bloody clouds or bloody rain

No bloody curbs no bloody drains.

The bloody council’s got no brains

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

The bloody goods are bloody dear’

A bloody buck for a bloody beer.

But is it good, no bloody fear

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

The bloody dances make you smile,

The bloody band is bloody vile,

They only cramp your bloody style

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

The best place is in bloody bed

With bloody ice upon your head,

You might as well be bloody dead

In Oodna-bloody-datta.

Author unknown

stolen from Holties House

---

An old Aussie bloke was sitting on his verandah,

when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling young man," he asked.

"I'm not selling anything," the young man said.

I'm a census taker."

"A what?" the old bloke asked

."A census taker.

We are trying to find out how many people are in Australia."

"Well," the old man answered.

"You're wasting your time with me,

I have no idea."

------------------


Parallel Lines

The film must be no more than three minutes long-

It must be as cinematic as possible-

It must feature the following dialogue and no other lines

'What is that?',

'It's a unicorn',

'Never seen one up close before',

'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away'

'I'm Sorry.'




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--------------

Bonus Video

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A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream

and asks his wife if she wants some

.“How hard is it?” she asks.

“About as hard as my dick,” he replies.

“OK,” she says, “then pour me some!”

stolen from Miss Cellania



###########################

The long arm of the law

--------------

A man was on trial for selling drugs,

and a neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked,

“Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?”

“No sir,” answered the man

.“Did you ever get any from his wife?”

“No sir.”

“Did you ever get any from his daughters?”

“Uh–excuse me sir,” the witness said,

“but we’re still talking about drugs here, right?”

stolen from Miss Cellania


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What did you see

############

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave?” asked the Landlord…

It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? –

my lad’s just the same –

forget about it; it happens to boys that age,”

said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer,

“ but it’s far worse than that.

The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old

next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not,” said the man.

"The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

thanks Gordon H


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"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

but I leave you with




seen at Tacky Raccoons


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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.