Saturday, August 13, 2011



Image by FlamingText.com




442


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3 Euro's



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Two Bubbas are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day.
 Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn’t salty,
there are a ton of hungry fish.”
They thank him and go on their way.
Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other,
“Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.”
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.
 “Nope. Still salty.”
Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again.
 “Nope, still salty.”
One hour later, they check again.
“Nope. Still salty.”
“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says.
 “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!”
“I know,” says the other.
“And the bucket is almost empty!”


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E-Bay Problems

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?
I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit",
 and now it seems I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Obama's entire Cabinet.


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thanks Kitty L
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Do you know what happened 161 years ago this fall.... back in 1850?

California became a state!
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits
 and the men weren’t kissing each other.


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Patsy Cline

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Winning















thanks Brett McG

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CAN YOU FIND THEM???

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Paddy announced that he was going to start a diet
to lose some pounds he had put on recently.

“That’s great,” Mick exclaimed.
 ”I’m ready to start a diet too.
 We can be dieting buddies and help each other out.
 Whenever I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries,
 I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Paddy replied. “I’ll go with you.”


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Paddy has a big gash on his head,
 so he goes to the doctor to have it checked out.
“That’s a big slash cut on your head.
 How did that happen?” Asked the doctor.
“Well you see, it’s like this”, says Paddy.
 “Me wife hit me on the head with some tomatoes.”
“Be God, that’s incredible,” says the doctor,
 “I can’t imagine how any tomatoes would make a cut like that.”
“Sure they were still in the can,” replied Paddy.


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A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.
A true Irishman gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland.
A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.
A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.
A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies
A true Irishman cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.
A true Irishman considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever.
A true Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time.

thanks Toni
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Ultimate Batting


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Those Funny Animals








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Bear Attack





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Observations






thanks Joe B

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thanks Kitty L

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Anne Murray




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A woman had a magic well.
 She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands
 and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail.
 The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.
This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest.
She showed the priest the problem and the priest decided the well
was infected with some sort of malicious spirit.
 The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water.
 He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge of the well and to clap her hands.
 This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full.
The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little
to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands.
This time the pail was filled 1/2 full.
The priest then told the woman to move the pail just
a bit further to the left and to clap her hands.
This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy.
Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water,
 as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot.
 She thanked the priest every time she saw him.
One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman's home
 to demonstrate the procedure.
After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail,
 the bishop remarked,
 "I see you have trained her well."

thanks Toni








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Aliens














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The family was gathered at dinner.
 The oldest boy announced he was going to marry the girl across the street.
 "But her family didn't leave her a penny," objected his father.
"And she hasn't saved one cent," added his mother.
"She doesn't know a thing about football," said junior.
 "How can she keep up with you when the games are on television?"
"I've never seen a girl with such funny hair," said his sister.
"All she does is read novels," said Uncle Elmer.
"And she has such poor taste in the choice of her clothes," said Aunt Mary.
"But she isn't sparing of the powder and the paint," said his grandma.
"That may be true," said the boy.
 "But she has one supreme advantage over all of us
. And over all the other girls I know."
"What's that?" everyone wanted to know.
"She has no family to criticise her for saying yes," replied the boy.


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Stars of Yesterday
How many do you know???

thanks Toni
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Andy Capp



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The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £4,000 per month.
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My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.
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I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
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The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

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I joined a health club last year,
Spent about £250
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
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Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
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I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

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We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


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You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk

 
 
thanks Joe B

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thanks Kitty L




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thanks Gordon H

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thanks Jayne M




thanks Jayne M

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






I just got off the phone with friend in southern New Jersey.

He said that since early this morning the snow
 has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high.
The temperature is dropping below zero
 and the north wind is increasing as well.
His wife has done nothing all morning,
 but look through the kitchen window.
He says that if it gets much worse,
he may have to let her in.

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

1 comment:

8cb5b242-8bec-11e0-9293-000bcdcb8a73 said...

I may never eat Chinese again! Of course, I've appropriated it for my 'warped' mailing.
Hugs,
toni