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I ain't doing nothing today

A Texan, a Californian and a Nevadan were riding their horses.

 The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey,

took a long drink, then another.

He suddenly threw the bottle into the air, drew his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

 The Californian looked at the Texan and asked,

 "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!"

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone,

 the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips,

 threw the half-full champagne bottle into the air,

pulled out his gun and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe it! He said

 "What the hell did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!!"

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

Awhile later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

 He opened it, took a sip, then another sip, then chugged the rest.

He put the bottle back in his saddlebag,

drew his gun, turned and shot the Californian.

 The shocked Texan inquired, "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied,

 "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians -- too many, even.

 But bottles are worth a nickel deposit!"

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 Facebook problems

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Someone got up early to get some of this footage

Very funny

Funnier still if you live in Dullsville  [Perth]

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 Why didn't I think of these??

thanks Diane McV

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Those Funny Animals

thanks Jayne M

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I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

I went on a starvation diet the day before,

 knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours

, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The last forty years of careful cellulite collection

 would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday,

 that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag,

 carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric,

and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought,

 "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..."

 Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely I took the gown off the hanger,

 unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it.

 I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees .

.. before the zipper gave out.

 I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again

 and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair.

No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner,

I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks:

 the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner;

 the split-end killer and shine enhancer.

 Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup --

 the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream,

 the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle;

 the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick,

 the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover.

 I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

Okay, time to get ready!

I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed,

 scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting

"your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream.

 I set my hair on hot rollers.

I felt wonderful.

 Ready to take on the world.

 Or in this instance, my underwear.

 With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body,

I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle,

 and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.

 I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied,

 hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked.

 Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done.

 And it didn't look bad.

So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind?

It was tighter than a trampoline.

 Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?"

 Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways,

 and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees.

 But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom.

 And there wasn't a snap crotch.

From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch.

I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro,

 but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

 I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

An hour later,

 I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

 I was ready for the bra.

I remembered what the saleslady said to do.

 I could see her glossed lips mouthing,

 "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around.

 Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders.

 Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands.

But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters,

 bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating.

I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out.

 I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times,

tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work.

 So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back

 and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging.

 Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.

 Quickly fastening the back of the bra,

I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways.

I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!

 I was happy until I tried to look down.

I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes.

 Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again.

So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza,

 and skipped the high school reunion.

If this did not give you a good laugh -- you're too young

thanks Kitty L
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Diving in Bali

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thanks Diane McV

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WIN

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As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves,

 some rotted wood gave way underneath him.

He fell right through the hole in the roof,

but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

 Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof

 to tear completely loose from the rest of the house,

resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground

 and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man.

 He was alive, but badly hurt.

The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.

The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.

On his last day in the hospital,

the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

 "What!?" exclaimed the man.

"You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"

"Oh no," replied the policeman.

 "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit...

 That's clearly a case of illegal eavesdropping."



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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by

 the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

 "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence

 of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause,

such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate.

"During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.

 All I did was divorce him.

 I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

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thanks Duke

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Are you the Manager??

thanks Kitty L

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thanks Ray S

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Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the Gutter.

 I lifted her to her feet and promised her

That if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life

and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

This fella was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.

 There were two sheriffs' deputies there.

 He asked them if there was a problem.

 One of the deputies asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife

. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

 The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality,

 and is a good cook, too."

thanks Diane McV

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thanks Wayne W

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 thanks Kitty L

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger

 after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.

 She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy,

 takes his finger and sucks it.

 The guy is so pleased he asks,

 "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

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thanks Gordon H

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 thanks Gordon H

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thanks David J

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A Muslim, an illegal alien and a communist walk into a bar….

The bartender says…

"Hello, Mr. President. What'll it be?

thanks Liz Z

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A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.

The bus stopped, and an elderly lady got on board carrying a large picnic basket.

 She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail

so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.

She quickly declined, explaining she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak,

 and the man felt something drop on top of his head.

 As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

 It was quite salty as he tasted it,

and he looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

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Some of my avid readers

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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

 Disclaimer

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If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.