Wednesday, March 30, 2011


406






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Libya



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Meanwhile in Canada




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Elizabeth Taylor by Paul Newman




stolen from Skips House of Chaos




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How Well Do You Know the World’s Landmarks? This is fun!

These pictures were taken from an airplane and you have to guess the location.

There are 16 photos and you probably won't get a perfect score.

You will also probably miss at least one you'll say you should have gotten!







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A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

“This book has no story and way too many characters.”

The librarian says,

“So that’s where the phone book went.”

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A blonde, studying to be a counselor,

always went into her counseling sessions with an earmuff over one ear.

After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it.

She replied, "It's for confidentiality."

"Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor.

"Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained,

"I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other,

and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."




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Those funny animals














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thanks Gordon H





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thanks Kitty L


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While in the checkout line at Home Depot,

I overheard one man say to another,

"My wife has been after me to paint our shed.

But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded.

"I like women who get mad like that."


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Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and all.

"Great!" he thought. "Now I can get that horse I have always wanted!"

He goes down the road to Farmer Ben's house, and tells him he wants to buy a horse.

"Well, I only have one mare right now, and she's kind of flighty."

"I don't care!" Jake says. "I think she's beautiful!"

Jake buys the horse, brings her home and sets her up in a newly-cleaned stall.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that she has broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her and leads her home.

Thinking maybe she didn't like her stall,

he cleans out a different one (the barn had four), and leads her in -

- this time making sure to bolt the door.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare has broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her, and brings her home,

again trying a different stall.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare had again broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her and brings her home,

this time tying her to the last stall.

When he woke the next morning, the mare had chewed the rope, broken out and run off.

He called farmer Ben, furious at the horses behavior.

"I don't understand it! I keep her stall clean, locked, full of food,

nothing I do keeps her from running off!"

"I tried to tell you," farmer Ben said.

"She just can't seem to form a stable relationship!"










thanks Toni


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The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals

was trying to train an otter to walk backwards.

He was not having any success.

He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.

Lo and behold, the otter was soon walking backwards.

He asked her, "How did you do that?"

"Simple," she said,

"You put one foot in front of the otter."

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Seniors












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GHOST SEX

A professor at the Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks

'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands

.Well, that's a good start.

Out of those who believe in ghosts,

do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good.

I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

'Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

'Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says

'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

'The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin,

and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied,

"Shit, from way back there

I thought you said Goats."


thanks Kitty L





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Cats don't like Baths













A mute was walking down the street one day

and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.

The friend replied (vocally!) “Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.

Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage,

had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage.

The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,

and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes” signed the mute.

“Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replied the specialist.

“Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table.

I’ll be right in.”

The mute does as instructed

and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline.

Greasing the broom handle, he ‘sent it home’ with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

“AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

“VERY good,” smiled the doctor.

“Next Tuesday, we work on ‘B’.”

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY







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For the Facebooks fans





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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.







Saturday, March 26, 2011


405
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Boating Fails

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TSA





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Meanwhile in Australia

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A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles;
we put them into another man,
and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person;
we put it into another person's head,
and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either.
In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person;
we put it into another person's chest,
and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in OZ, ..
.We grabbed a female spinster atheist,
size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician,
bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist,
spends money like its going out of fashion.....and....
we made her Prime Minster of Australia and very soon
.....the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!"
sent to me by my brother Danny
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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry,
but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

thanks Gordon H


thanks Gordon H
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Those Funny Animals














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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,
since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


thanks Pommie Jayne



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thanks Toni



A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning
when in walked a beautiful blonde woman.
Without any preliminaries, she declared that she wanted a divorce
."On what grounds?" asked the lawyer
."I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied."
And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer
."Well,for one thing," replied the young lady,
"I don't think he's the father of my child."

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The best lawyer story of all time.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying
after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills
that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair
and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
."Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled
and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says,
"So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?"



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For Kitty L

thanks Toni
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Canadian Fail
thanks Toni


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KIDS













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For my good friend Hugh in Oregon USA





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It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV,
there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him...his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup,"
in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President
to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."
... ya gotta love it!


thanks Kitty L



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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours
and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

thanks Kitty L






Never marry an Italian Woman




thanks Kitty L
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Cowboys and Indians


















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thanks Kitty L







thanks Toni



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thanks Hank and Marg



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only in Australia




thanks Kitty L



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thanks Liz Z


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PHILS PHIOSOPHY





Enjoy this
Shot at Kirkenes National Park near Russia
70 degrees north
30 degrees east
Temperature -25 celsius

The Aurora from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.









Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.




thanks to Liz Z and Wayne W for these video's

video



video