Saturday, May 5, 2012

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Visit the twelve Apostles

thanks Liz Z


Betty White and Morgan Freeman


A traffic cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.  The doctors operated  and advised him that all was well; however, the cop kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. 

 Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon . From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'        


Those Funny Animals


Instant Date







Mothers Day

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
 For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet.
 Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

 "Nothing," said the woman.

 Not buying it, he asked again.

 "Seriously, what's wrong?"

 "Do you really want to know?
 Well, I'll tell you. 
I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for fifteen years
 and on Mother's Day,

 you don't even tell me so much as "thank you."

 "Why should I?" he said.

 "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

 "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."


"Mother's Dictionary"

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.





Let Grandma RIP




Little Fosworth was an unusual lad, in that he absolutely LOVED poetry.
He even tried as much as possible to speak in verse.
When people made fun of him, he took the opposite viewpoint, rhyming as he went, making sure others knew that for him, answering in rhyme was simply the con-verse.
Anyway, just the other day a pair of hooligans attempted to rob the local coin collectors shop, making off with armloads of bags full of precious and rare dimes.
They never noticed little Fosworth as they jumped into their car and made their getaway.
Ever the astute one, Fosworth simply jotted down their license plate number, which he then recited to the police officers who arrived at the crime scene.
He said, “They made their getaway in a late model Chevrolet. Their license, you see, was HG413.”
The police quickly captured the robbers and recovered all the stolen coins.
The next morning’s newspapers carried the headline:
Snitch in Rhyme Saves Dimes.

  • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
  • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  • We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • Velcro — what a rip off!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
  • Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

thanks Duke



Chinese Lady Ga Ga


Misc Toons




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1 comment:

Sandee said...

Good ones Phil. I stole the two mother's day ones. They will post on Mother's day weekend.

Have a terrific day. :)