Phils Phun

511

Back after a couple of weeks break

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A place in the Choir

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Three men were sitting on a bench in a park one sunny day. One man was reading his newspaper quietly, but the other two were pretending to fish. A police officer passed by and began to watch the strange scene; they'd hook, cast and reel in their imaginary lines.
Thinking they might be crazy and potentialy dangerous, he approached the man with the newspaper and asked him if he knew them. "Yes! They're my friends!" the man replied.
"Well then, get them out of here before they cause any trouble," said the officer.
"Yes, sir," the third man said. And with that, he began rowing furiously.

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Word as an Image

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Those Funny Animals

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Japanese Comedians

"Gamorjobat"

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Having A bad Day!!

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Classrooms around the world

Spain

Egypt

Brasil

USA

thanks Steve McV

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Lunch with the Girls

thanks Shelagh N

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One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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Steve Frayne

Thanks Karl Z

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POSTERS

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The following video was sent to me by several readers

Thank You

Enjoy

from the Olympics!!

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The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

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from your neighbour

what is that??

thanks Pushpa

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Your miracrously mature when...

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

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Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But no sign of Carlos.
A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?"
He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos, lying very still, covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts -- hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station.
"Sarge get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos, the ice-cream man. He's topped himself!"
The sergeant answers, "It's to be expected. Today's a Sundae."

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Ice Fishing

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Women

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I tried to give my hubby bridge lessons last week, but he just wouldn't jump!

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Seniors

Roger, eighty-five, married Jenny, a lovely twenty-five-year-old woman. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that, after their wedding, she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the (expected) knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger! Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it - - Roger is back! Again, rapping on the door, and as fresh as a twenty-five-year-old stud, ready for more 'action.' And, once more they enjoy each other.
As Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that, at your age, you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimers has its advantages.

Everything is relative.
A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal*Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal*martians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.

It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.'

"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

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Gotta like this!!

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Anklebiters

when you have to go...you have to go!!

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door."

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Golf lob shot