552
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Smiles are Contagious
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Phun Phacts
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James Gandolfini Tribute Video
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Topical
How do you tell the
difference between an Australian Police Officer,
a Canadian Police Officer and
an American Police Officer?
QUESTION:You're on duty by yourself
(don't ask why, you just are and
your Sergeant hates you)
walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock
and you are an expert shot,
however
you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does this
send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on,
would he still want to stab and
kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away,
do I get blamed if he falls
over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case,
does he have
the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job,
my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
#############
Those Funny Animals
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More Animal cuteness
thanks Kitty L
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Aerial view of some World Landmarks
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Remember to breathe
Travel Alberta
---------------------
As close as many of us will ever get
Time lapse Mount Everest
###############
BOTTOMS UP!
The patient was face down on the bed while four doctors
with a
combined total of 81 years medical experience,
examined his upraised buttocks.
In spite of all their training, the best they could come up with were comments
like
"I've never seen anything like it, ” and ”Beat's me,"
and
"It must make life very uncomfortable for you, Mr. Higgenbottom."
Higgenbottom managed a muffled hiss into a big, fluffy pillow.
Four other equally fluffy pillows were responsible
for his buttocks jutting
heavenward at such an embarrassing angle.
Out of the corner of one eye,
Higgenbottom glimpsed a flash of latex.
One of the doctors had hauled on a rubber glove and
unceremoniously grabbed a handful of Higgenbottom's swollen behind. This
produced a muffled howl from the pillow.
''What do you make of it, Bumstead?" asked Dr. Cheeks, who
had an irritating habit of addressing his colleagues by only their last names.
Dr. Bumstead, the oldest of the four,
looked thoughtful as he took
a closer look at the tiny scratch
which had apparently been responsible for
Higgenbottom's bottom
now being roughly twice its normal siz
and more closely
resembling an overripe purple pumpkin.
''That must be the mother of all rear
end infections.
Yes, sir, it's hard to believe such a little scratch could have
caused this.''
He poked at the cut with the tip of a pen.
Higgenbottom shifted uncomfortably,
not at all pleased with his
new status as medical marvel.
''Have all the tests been run?'' Bumstead asked.
''Yes, and they didn't turn up anything unusual.''
''Nothing in the bloodstream?''
"Just blood."
''Most unusual. ”
''What, that there is blood in his bloodstream?"
Bumstead ignored the remark.
It was the kind of thing you'd expect
from the cheeky Cheeks.
“I guess it's back to the medical books for this one.
We're going to have to call in a specialist
or Higgenbottom might never sit
again.''
They all nodded in agreement.
"It's hard to treat something unless you know what you're up
against,"
Burnstead continued.
"This is obviously more than an
ordinary infection.
It looks like a severe case of arse nick poisoning to
me."
(Terry Morrison)
The
cowboys gathered in their bunk¬house after a hard day on the range.
One of them
popped open a cold beer
and
sat on the edge of his bunk.
"Where's Tex?" he asked.
"Oh,
he's out looking over his new car," another responded.
"It's that new
foreign car he just bought.
He just can't get enough of it.
Spend hours just
looking and touching it."
The
cowboy standing in the corner said:
"Ole Tex is a smart aleck.
As soon as
he gets back here hell start bragging about that car."
The
one with the beer then said: "Not Tex.
He's just a good old boy arid
that's all hell ever be
When he comes in, all he's going to do is say
hello."
"I
know Tex better than any of you,"
said another cowboy who was standing in
the darkness of the far corner.
"He may be a good old boy but he's also a
smart old boy.
He'll figure out some way to brag about his car even when he's
just saying hello."
Just
then the bunkhouse door swung open
and Tex sauntered in.
He looked at all the
others who seemed startled at his arrival and shouted:
"Audi,
partners!"
######################
--
Chicken or the Egg is an offbeat romantic
comedy
about a pig who has an EGGdiction to eating eggs.
But when he falls in
love with the hottest chicken in town,
he must choose what comes first... the
Chicken or the Egg.
stolen from
Daily
Snacks - Humourous Joys, Jolly and Jokes
---------------
Frozen the new Disney Movie
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-
POSTERS
###############
The Stick [1964]
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THE CHURCH AND THE MODERN WORLD
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION:
"Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their Tablet, PC, iPad,
smart
phone,and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to
download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, Let us pray
committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and
Facebook,
and chat with God."
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings,
please have your credit and
debit cards ready.
You can log on to the church wi-fi
using the password
'Lord909887. ' "
The ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines
among the worshipers:
- "Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers
- are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
- Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
- Those who prefer telephone banking,
- take out your cellphones to transfer
- your contributions to the church account."
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified
as ALL
the smart phones, iPads, PCs
and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
- This week's ministry cell meetings will be held
- on the various Facebook group pages
- where the usual group chatting takes place.
- Please log in and don't miss out.
- Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype
- at 1900hrs GMT.
- Please don't miss out.
- You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend
- for
counseling and prayers.
- God bless you and have nice day.
##################
--
Some different Wedding pictures
#####################
#########################
Men and Women
There was a group of
women at a seminar
on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked,
“When was the last time you
told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
“I
love you, sweetheart.”
Then the women were told to exchange phones
Then the women were told to exchange phones
and read the responding text
messages.
Here are some of the replies:
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car
again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me
how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is
actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink
during the day.
12. Your mother is
coming to stay, isn’t she??
And Kids
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Today's Music trip down Memory Lane
Lucille Starr
"The French Song"
#################
Another Punny Story
Not
many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig.
You'd never know if
you weren't told. It’s a perfect fit.
Anyway,
down in the world of fire and brimstone,
one guy did find out and he decided to
have a little practical joke.
So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons
and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber,
whereupon he steals
the hair-piece and makes good his escape.
Well,
of course, the Devil was most displeased by this
and he rounds up his demons
and demands
to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past
them.
Naturally, none of them owns up,
which makes him even madder:
So he calls
a general meeting of everyone the under-world:
everyone has to attend.
The
meeting is held in a huge cavern
and it's absolutely packed
(except for the odd
gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit
or bottomless fissure in the floor).
As Satan steps up to speak,
everyone sees that he's got no hair,
and peals of
laughter start echoing out around the hall.
The devil bel-lows at them to be
quiet,
and a deadly hush falls.
“Whoever
stole it,” he shouts,
“had better return it immediately!
” And here he paused
for effect,
”Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!
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The "Mona Lisa" around the world
#################
Miscellaneous
#####################
Jump Fails
its easy to hurt idiots
------
Not too sure if this blokes an idiot
or just got nerves of steel ??
###############
This weeks signs
PHILS PHILOSOPHY
Wildflowers
lyrics
The hills were alive with wildflowers
And I was as wild, even wilder than they
For at least I could run, they just died in the sun
And I refused to just wither in place
Just a wild mountain rose, needing freedom to grow
So I ran fearing not where I'd go
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow
And the flowers I knew in the fields where I grew
Were content to be lost in the crowd
They were common and close, I had no room for growth
I wanted so much to branch out
I uprooted myself from home ground and left
Took my dreams and I took to the road
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow
I grew up fast and wild and I never felt right
In a garden so different from me
I just never belonged, I just longed to be gone
So the garden, one day, set me free
Hitched a ride with the wind and since he was my friend
I just let him decide where we'd go
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and
videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would
like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at
philco@iinet.net.au.
1 comment:
Some great stuff this week, Phil. I drop by every week but fail to leave a comment. Look forward to next week.
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