BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits
end and dunks the drunk in the water again---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his
arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches
his breath and says to the preacher,.................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"
A bloke's ex wife went missing when holidaying
on the Barrier Reef while she was scuba diving.
He reported it to the police and spent the night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door
and standing there is a couple of policemen
- an old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you,
unfortunately some really bad news
but some good news
and maybe some really good news."
"Well," said the ex-husband,
"I guess I'd better have the bad news first"
The Sarge said,
"I'm really sorry mate but your ex wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about
five metres in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled
her up but she was long dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed
to hear of this and has a bit of a sob..
After a few minutes he pulled himself
together and asked what the good news is.
The Sarge said, "Well when we got your
ex wife up there were quite a few really
good sized crays and a swag of nice muddies
attached to her wetsuit,
so we've brought you your share."
and he handed the bloke a sugar bag
with a couple of nice crays
and half a dozen mudcrabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties.
I guess it's an ill wind and all that ....
Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well," the sarge said,
"me and young Bill here get off duty
at around eleven tonight and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....
you fancy grabbin'
some stubbies and comin' out with us?"
A man was sitting in a bar gulping down
shot after shot of whiskey.
His friend comes into the bar and sees him.
“Lou”, says the shocked friend ,
“what are you doing ?
I’ve known you for 15 years
and I’ve never seen you takea drink before.
What’s going on ?”
Lou replies without even lifting his bleary
eyes from hisnewly filled shot glass,
“My wife just ran off with my bestfriend,”
and he throws back another shot in one gulp.
“But Lou,” says the other man,
“I’m your best friend.”
The man turns to his friend,
looks at him through blood shot eyes,
smiles and then slurs,
“Not any more.... He is."
A couple of cartoons