Funny Man Jim Carrey with some of his zany humour for New Year
HAPPY NEW YEAR .......in English!
koll sana w enta taeb....in Arabic!
FELIÇ ANY NOU......in Catalan!
Xin Nian Kuai Le....in Chinese !
Felican Novan Jaron....in Esparanto!
Bonne Annee....in French!
Bo Nadal e Feliz Aninovo....in Galician!
Prosit Neujahr....in German!
Kenourios Chronos...in Greek!
Boldog Ooy Ayvet...in Hungarian!
Selamat Tahun Baru....in Indonesian!
Felice anno nuovo....in Italian!
Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu....in Japanese!
Saleh now ra tabrik migouyam...in Persian !
Szczesliwego Nowego Roku...in Polish !
Feliz Ano Novo.....in Portugese!
AN NOU FERICIT.....in Romanian !
S Novim Godom....in Russian! Feliz Ano ~Nuevo.....in Spanish!
GOTT NYTT ÅR! /Gott nytt år!.....in Swedish !
Naya Saal Mubbarak Ho....in Urdu!Any others??
SOME GOLDEN OLDIES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. 'Phone answering machine message - " . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. A man goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Now don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet.
I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married.
What do you think of this news?
You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.
I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum,
but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
There is a pause, then his mother asks,
"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Roy Orbison...I can't stop loving you
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the
"Honorable" in front of your name.
Not a damn thing.
A man is waiting in the doctor's office.
A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks,
"W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"
"I pee like you talk."
Cartoon of the Week
For all those Docker supporters out there
Gaze into this purple illusion and strange things might enter your mind!!!
[the Dockers are local Football team whose colours are predominatly purple]
Its a wonderful World
Eye Test For Senior Men
Please read the bottom line
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included
admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that
included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.
He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences
rather than you have to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Clever business signs
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
Am going to end the year with three songs from my No 1 Female singer
As Aussie's we should be very proud our Judith [and the Seekers]
A very talented singer with the voice of an angel
Speak to the Sky
Keep a dream in your Pocket
Time and Again