A cell [mobile] phone with many functions
I think I'll buy one of these
When in England remember to travel on
A lot of my readers are Golf fanatics
If you click on this link you will see Tiger Woods
give away 4 Buicks to unsuspecting Golfers
Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
Cartoon of the Week
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
'You 'have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Zen, you should know enough to 'have your passport ready for inspection.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible.. You... You Americans always 'have to show your passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained,
'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44
I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'
No wonder I am an Atheist
No wonder I am an Atheist
Parishioner's death doesn't stop Mass
Not even the death of a worshipper was enough to stop Mass in a small church
in the northern Italian town of Trento.
Pio Lieta, 86, suffered a fatal heart attack during an early-morning service
at the Church of the White Madonna last Sunday.
An ambulance was called, and Mr Lieta, whose name means "pious" in Italian,
was pronounced dead at the scene.
However, instead of halting the Mass,
Father Mario Peron asked for the body to be covered with a white cloth
and left Mr Lieta in the nave of the church while he finished the service.
It is against Italian law to move a body without the authorisation of a local magistrate.
"What could I have done?" said Fr Peron afterwards.
"The Holy Mass has to be celebrated.
It is not right to make an exception for one individual.
Only people who do not understand the point of Mass
would not understand the logic of my decision.
We could not stop.
We were united together in church and we prayed for him."
Go back to the good old days of Black and White TV
See how many you can remember
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)
Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse
ODD PUNNY SIGNS
ODD PUNNY SIGNS
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be
Click on pointer in left bottom corner
World wide,almost 6 million die prematuely each year as a result of smoking
Clem asks Abner, "Ain't statistics wonderful?"
"How so?" says Abner.
"Well, according to statistics, there's 42 million alligator eggs laid every year.
Of those only about half get hatched.
Of those that hatch, three-fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days.
And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year old because of one thing or another.
Ain't statistics wonderful?"
Abner asks, "What's so wonderful about statistics?"
"Why, if it wasn't for statistics,
we'd be up to our asses in baby alligators!"
Maybe Jim Fleming can tell us how tasty this must be??
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off
and that night she went into the maid's room,
switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness,
slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight,
there were footsteps and a figure opened the door
and slipped into the maid's bed beside her.
After an hour of wild, passionate sex, the wife, still in ecstatic reverie,
switched on the lights and blurted,
"WELL - Are you surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur
And I think to myself
What a Wonderful World
If you are from WI....Smile
You Know You Are From Wisconsin When ...
Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Packers as "we."
You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify an Illinois accent..
You know what cow-tipping is.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
Down South to you means Chicago.
Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.
A brat is something you eat.
You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You know how to polka.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."
Formal wear is blue jeans & a baseball cap.
You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
Men with Banjo's
Steve Martin and the Legendary Earl Scruggs