Phils Phun

93
G'day, Welcome to this edition of the blog
Only 20 days to Australia Day [another Holiday]

The Ideal Woman....Lynx effect
[too good to be true]

From the Shaun Mcallef Show [Australian]
The Wheel

A Soviet journalist walked into the hospital and told the desk nurse,
"I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him.
"Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies.
"We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:
"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one,
why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
[pinched from Miss Cellania]

NUN FUN

Cartoons

One year, a travelling ballet troupe decided to perform Swan Lake.

It spent months rehearsing.

Two days before hitting the road, it held a dress rehearsal.

Unfortunately, moths had gotten into the tutus.

They were destroyed.

And there was no place in town to buy new ones.

So the producer called around to neighboring cities.

Eventually, a shop promised to deliver tutus by train the next day.

The producer went to the train station to await delivery.

The stationmaster noticed him and asked if he needed help.

“No,” he replied.
“I’m just waiting for the tutu train.”

-----

Today in the Stock Market

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Say no more

Subject: Wild!!!

(Nothing scandalous, just good clean fun!)
You won't believe this!!!

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE : http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE.

3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE.

(Skip your email address.)

4. Click on vizualizar and watch what happens....
[thanks to Geoff Collins for this]

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets,

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man.

"Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."

Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said,

"You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father.

I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

-------------

Ideal Woman..version 2

"A guy walks into a bar . . ."
No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words "A guy walks into a bar

. . ." was told, or how it went.

Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here's a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up,

many now involving animals or inanimate objects:

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."

The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?"

The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.

He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?"

The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts.

The barman says, why the big pause?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10.

You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here."

The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon.

He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here.

We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks,

"What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!"

The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand.

The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks.

The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says,

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:

"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"

"Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman.

"Driving," says a man.

"That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says,

"Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work."

And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?"

The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns."

The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh?

The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments.

And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."

And the bartender pours him a drink.

He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?"

The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?"

And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart.

Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.

And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots.

His spurs are also made of paper.

Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other.

The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry."

The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What have you got?

"Fifty cents," is the reply.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender.

A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man calls the bartender over.

"Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him.

"I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar.

"The peanuts?"

"That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe."

And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor.

The man pays the tab and gets up to leave.

The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"

The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog.

The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!

Get that mutt out of here!"

The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog."

The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.

Later that day, the man tells his friend about it:

"I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!"

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down.

The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"

The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?"

The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?"

And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him,

"What's the matter?"

The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going

to speak to me for a month.

The month is up today."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He looks in his pocket and orders another drink,

looks in his pocket and orders still another drink.

His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks,